"I Woke Up Postpartum and Thought I Was a Pop Star": Surviving Postpartum Psychosis - Sarah’s Story

What happens when bringing a new life into the world triggers a complete break from reality, leaving you isolated in a system that wasn't built to give you the care you need?

In this episode of Quiet Connection, Chelsea sits down with registered nurse, mother, and advocate Sarah Savage. Sarah shares her story of an emergency premature birth, a sudden cord prolapse, and the chaotic descent into mania and postpartum psychosis that followed.

Together, Chelsea and Sarah unpack the reality of delusional thinking, the deep shame attached to general psychiatric hospitalizations for birthing individuals, and the systemic failure of healthcare systems that separate new parents from their newborns. 

Sarah talks openly about hitting rock bottom, stopping her medications, facing severe suicidal ideation, and the slow, brave process of rebuilding her relationship with her son, Mickey.

If you've ever felt completely lost in the dark after birth, or if you're navigating the heavy weight of birth trauma and PMHDS, this conversation will remind you that your story isn't over and joy is still waiting for you on the other side.

Key Takeaways

• Recognizing the Onset of Postpartum Psychosis: How postpartum psychosis can present as hyper-energy, rapid speech, decreased need for sleep, and delusional or "magical" thinking rather than just harm-based thoughts.
• The Systemic Gap in Maternal Mental Health: Why the US medical system fails birthing individuals by placing them in general psychiatric units that separate parents from their infants and lack basic postpartum physical care.
• Overcoming Postpartum Shame: How the shame of being away from your baby or needing psychiatric intervention can linger long after physical recovery, and why self-compassion is crucial.
• Rebuilding the Parent-Child Bond: Understanding that bonding with your baby doesn't always happen instantly after trauma, but can be built step-by-step through grace and time.

This episode discusses topics that may be triggering for some individuals. Please check the show notes for more information and be mindful of your own mental health and comfort levels.

Visit our Patreon to help support our mission to normalize the conversation and end the stigma surrounding PMADs!

Transcript

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Chelsea Myers (01:01)
And today I am here with Sarah. Sarah, how are you?

Sarah Savage (01:06)
I'm doing great. How are you doing?

Chelsea Myers (01:08)
I'm really jazzed. I'm really- and that is not something that I say very often. I'm so excited to finally meet you!

Sarah Savage (01:18)
No, I'm so excited. So excited to see you

Chelsea Myers (01:21)
my god.

Sarah Savage (01:23)
face to face, not just through Instagram.

Chelsea Myers (01:26)
I know that's so I always say like, like meet you in the flesh by meeting you in pixels. like

Sarah Savage (01:32)
Yes.

Chelsea Myers (01:33)
it's it's we're all Sarah is a pocket friend, one of my pocket friends that we've

Sarah Savage (01:38)
You

Chelsea Myers (01:38)
made through Quiet Connection and through Instagram. And get we'll touch on this again at the end of the episode. But for anyone who is not following Sarah on Instagram, is it is it Sarah is Savage? Is that what it is?

Sarah Savage (01:52)
Yeah,

it's Sarah.is.savage.

Chelsea Myers (01:56)
Yeah, you need to be following Sarah because

Sarah Savage (01:58)
You

Chelsea Myers (02:00)
my god, your energy gets me. I tell so many of my guests, I'm like, yeah, it's morning and I'm doing the best I can. But when I get up at 6 a.m. and you've already been up for an

Sarah Savage (02:12)
You

Chelsea Myers (02:13)
hour and a half and your stories are like, hey, good morning, here's my coffee, I'm getting ready for work and I'm dancing in the kitchen. I'm like, okay, wow, all right, this is the energy that I need for my day.

So thank you for sharing that with the world.

Sarah Savage (02:26)
Yeah, I love it.

It makes me happy.

Chelsea Myers (02:30)
That's what I love. That's, I think, I love about it. People like you and other connections that we've made and like we have similar connections too on

Sarah Savage (02:38)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (02:38)
Instagram. I think that is what I appreciate the most about you guys is that you are on there living your life, like living your life, doing what you would do normally and not caring about like, you're just like, this is me. Take it or leave it. And I love it.

Sarah Savage (02:53)
Yeah. Mm-hmm. I just want to

be raw and real. And it's like, yep, I haven't showered or I'm not looking my best. I might be feeling exhausted, but here I'll do a little happy dance and power through.

Chelsea Myers (03:08)
Yeah, and I love it. And it's

Sarah Savage (03:09)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (03:10)
the energy that I need while I'm in my recliner. That's

Sarah Savage (03:14)
Hahaha.

Chelsea Myers (03:14)
like my that's my place. But anyway, far and away from all of that. let's dig in to Sarah and who Sarah is. So you've listened to my episodes, you're probably anticipating this question. Can

Sarah Savage (03:28)
Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (03:29)
you tell us who you are today a little bit about who you are today, and who you were before becoming a parent?

Sarah Savage (03:37)
Yes, today I am Sarah Savage. I have an almost two-year-old. His name is Mickey and I'm married to an awesome guy named Dylan. I'm a nurse and I've experienced postpartum psychosis, postpartum depression, PTSD, birth trauma, possible bipolar disorder. I've been told I'm bipolar and I'm told that I'm not bipolar. So that's me now.

Before this, I was just a happy-go-lucky gal working as a nurse, married, kind of going back and forth. Do I even want a child? Loving animals, loving my friends, living in Michigan. Never had been diagnosed with a mental health disorder. And

Chelsea Myers (04:23)
Yeah.

Sarah Savage (04:24)
a big part of my story as well is that my mom has cognitive changes. This has been happening for probably two years now.

and she is not the same mom that I grew up with. She has a very poor short-term memory. Her affect is very low at times and she's not able to cook anymore. She doesn't drive. She doesn't do a whole lot anymore. So that has been a big part of my story as well.

Chelsea Myers (04:53)
Yeah, you've been, that is something that you talk about a lot. You've been mothering sort of without a mother, even though she's physically here, she's

Sarah Savage (05:01)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (05:03)
not the same person that she was. Yeah.

Sarah Savage (05:05)
Yeah, that's really difficult.

Chelsea Myers (05:09)
Yeah, I can imagine.

And I also appreciate so much that you are so open and honest

Sarah Savage (05:18)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (05:18)
on social media about this whole journey. Because so while it while I don't do a lot of research on my guests, because I want to get to know you authentically,

Sarah Savage (05:29)
Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (05:30)
I feel like I kind of already know you because you are so real with everything that's

Sarah Savage (05:37)
Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (05:37)
going on every day. So I feel like it's cheating a little bit. I know a little bit.

of your story already. But I'm really, you already answered one of my questions about like being on the fence about wanting kids and if that was something that you saw for your future. It's interesting to me too to hear that you didn't really have a history with mental health prior to this. Were you aware of perinatal mental health disorders before having them?

Sarah Savage (06:08)
I knew about postpartum

depression, but that was the only thing I really thought of. Like, oh, maybe I would have that. I was very convinced, like, oh, that's not going to happen to me. But I would say prior to having a child, I always had a little bit of a baseline anxiety now reflecting back. But I just thought that was my everyday. I didn't really know any different. And then

Also with depression, I'd have like seasonal depression, but never on any medication. And now that I'm medicated, I'm like, wow, I have no anxiety. Like, I mean, I

Chelsea Myers (06:45)
Yeah!

Sarah Savage (06:46)
have normal life anxiety, but I don't have that like pit in my stomach. like little, like doing this would have sent me over the edge. Like I would have been so nervous to talk. Yeah, like

Chelsea Myers (06:56)
really?

Sarah Savage (06:57)
I was nervous to talk in front of people.

And now I have no problems with that. So now it's definitely a reflection of like, I never was diagnosed with anything prior to this, but reflecting back, I'm like, wow, I definitely had some baseline anxiety, struggled with depression, but never was formally diagnosed or medicated.

Chelsea Myers (07:18)
Yeah, that's interesting and I think we'll get into that a little bit more too. But sort of like taking us on the timeline of your journey,

Sarah Savage (07:27)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (07:29)
when did the shift occur for you where you did decide like, okay, I guess I'm not on the fence anymore. Let's try to have a baby.

Sarah Savage (07:39)
Yeah. So it kind of, our son came to us as a surprise. mean, I was not on birth control. I've been with my partner for 15 years. We've been married for, I think it'll be eight years now this year. And I just thought like, maybe I'm like, would never get pregnant. I mean, like we weren't trying, but we weren't not trying. And then he really just came as a surprise, but I was talking to my husband about this the other day.

I remember struggling in that moment before I found out I was pregnant. was like, I feel like I want something more in my life. And I don't know what that is. My husband decided to get me a puppy. So, and then literally like two days before we picked up our puppy, I found out I was pregnant. So I feel

Chelsea Myers (08:28)
my god.

Sarah Savage (08:29)
like it's just was like the universe sending us this amazing child that we, I think at the end of the day, he and I truly did want to be parents.

and it's like the best gift in the world, but it just kind of surprised us. We weren't like taking out the strips and trying every, like it just like randomly happened. And like, I don't take that for granted because I know that infertility is such a struggle for so many people. So I don't take that lightly. I know how blessed I am that he just kind of surprised us and came into our life. And all of a sudden I was pregnant I definitely had like,

a very, very easy pregnancy. I was that obnoxious girl that was glowing. I never vomited. I had all

Chelsea Myers (09:13)
You

Sarah Savage (09:15)
this energy. I was like, I'm totally going to have a bunch of kids. And man, did my postpartum journey challenge me and prove me wrong that I wasn't just living this easy life. Life hit me hard.

Chelsea Myers (09:29)
Yeah, yeah,

Sarah Savage (09:30)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (09:30)
you, you definitely the experience shifted toward the end for sure. mean, I

Sarah Savage (09:35)
Yes.

Chelsea Myers (09:36)
already I know, I know part of the ending. But no spoilers.

so that actually that that makes a lot of sense. It was something that you were on the fence about and then

Sarah Savage (09:46)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (09:47)
it just kind of happened. It kind of happened. It happened in time with getting a puppy, which I give you that prop for pregnant with a puppy because

Sarah Savage (09:54)
Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (09:57)
I've done the puppy thing not pregnant and that is very hard. you have like a menagerie. You have cats, you have a dog, you have like

Sarah Savage (10:04)
Yep, we have two cats, we have a dog.

Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (10:08)
Yeah,

But yeah, that's off topic. But anyway, so you enjoyed pregnancy. It was a

Sarah Savage (10:15)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (10:16)
good experience for you. You were really anticipating, like, starting this new chapter in your life.

Sarah Savage (10:20)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (10:21)
Take me toward the end of your pregnancy because things kind of shifted.

Sarah Savage (10:26)
Yeah, things

shifted. My coworkers at the time, threw me a baby shower that was like beautiful. My mom came in town, she lives in Florida. She came in town for the baby shower and instantly when I saw her, was like, my mom is not well, she's not okay. Where is she? Like she's glazed over, she just looks...

not like herself, she's not acting like herself. And I remember that was the first time I really got stressed in my pregnancy. And my dad was also in town and we were doing some kitchen projects, some house projects. And I went to the doctor and I had my first high blood pressure reading and I was like, my gosh, is this because my mom and my dad and like the stress of like the house being worked on and like my mom's not doing well. And I really like.

put blame towards myself. But that, looking at it now, it was beyond my control. So what was happening was I was having high blood pressure readings. And then four days after that, I had premature rupture of my membranes and my water broke. I woke up on a Saturday. I remember I was writing thank you cards for the baby shower and my water broke and

I immediately like notified that I needed help. My husband came down, we went to the hospital and that's when like things really changed rapidly. I was transferred to a hospital in Ann Arbor. live in Michigan and I was taken directly into the OR because I was 33 weeks and five days pregnant. So it would be a premature baby. So they said,

Hey, you know what, your 10 centimeters dilated, we're going to let you have a vaginal birth, but we're going to do it in the OR because we have the NICU team available for the baby. And I was all on board and everything happened so fast. Like it just was traveling so fast. It was like, I didn't even have time to like catch my breath. I was just trying to stay as calm as I could. And so my first push, and then that's when

they alarmed that there was a cord prolapse and that is a medical emergency. People came, so many people came, they were paging overhead that this was a like emergency situation. They had to push my husband out of the OR very quickly. And that was the most pain I've ever had because they had to relieve the cord.

take pressure off it and push my son back inside me. And then they were doing, while they were doing that, I had to scoop myself over to the OR table. And my husband will

Chelsea Myers (13:17)
Mm.

Sarah Savage (13:18)
never forget the scream I let out, because I had no pain medication up to this point, because everything happened so fast. I was having full on contractions and not a single pain med was given. And...

I guess like my whole body turned red. He said, were just like so bright red. I got over to the OR table and then that's when they immediately were gonna intubate me. And luckily being a nurse, I knew what was going on. So I think that was in my favor. Like that kept me calm because I knew like they're here to take care of me. This is an emergency and...

I'm in good hands, but it was very scary because when they went to intubate me, I told the anesthesiologist, I was like, please just tell my husband I love him because I was like, I don't even know if I'm going to see him again. Like what's happening? Like I just was so like, and it's also I've talked to my psych therapist about this. It was very violating to go from like being in labor and then like

all these people around you and they're all doing something to your body at the same time. Like they're putting in a Foley, they're intubating me, they're strapping my arms down, you know, like, and everything happened so fast. So I was not awake when my son was born. He, I, had an emergency C-section. My husband was not in the OR. He was just sitting on a bench by himself, like so scared being like, am I going to even see my family again?

So was a very traumatic birth. But what I will say is that my son was born healthy. The only thing that was to his disadvantage was that he was a preemie. So he had to have like an NG tube for a little bit, but he only spent 10 days in the NICU. And like, I'm so grateful for that. Like they did their job. They saved his life. I did have some hemorrhage. I ended up losing a ton of blood.

that I required an iron infusion and a blood transfusion. So I was not doing well. And even after I went,

Chelsea Myers (15:29)
Yeah.

Sarah Savage (15:30)
when I was taken to the mother baby unit, I ended up having a syncope event on the toilet where I like passed out. I remember like my vision and my hearing going and yeah, it just was the blood loss. was not stable. So.

It was a traumatic

Chelsea Myers (15:49)
Yeah.

Sarah Savage (15:50)
birth. And then the hard part about that too is like, you go back to the room and you're not with your baby. I never got to hold him or hear him cry or my husband met him without me. And that was really hard for my husband. Like we didn't meet him together. We also didn't know the sex of our baby. It was going to be a surprise. So he found, my husband found out before I did that he was a boy and that was really hard.

Chelsea Myers (16:16)
Mm-hmm.

Sarah Savage (16:18)
And then we spent those next 10 days, I was in the hospital for a couple of days because of the blood loss. And I just spent so much time in the NICU pushing through my pain and my weakness. And that's when the sleep deprivation started because I was so focused on if I can't hold my baby, I want to feed my baby. So I was like obsessed with pumping. My milk did come in, which I was grateful for. My husband even had to teach me how to

use the pump. had no idea because I hadn't prepared for that yet. So he was amazing

Chelsea Myers (16:52)
Yeah.

Sarah Savage (16:53)
and taught me how to pump. But I was spending so much energy and time on that and I never was educated that Fed is best. I just was like, I have to give him my breast milk because I can't hold him. I have to do something for him. And I was able to hold him, but not a lot because he was in the incubator.

That was hard. So that's when the sleep deprivation started happening. And this was also a hard time with my mom because she did visit me at the hospital, but again, was not motherly in any way. I remember her staring at me, like I was pumping and she's like, why are your boobs so big? And I'm like, mom, I'm like pumping. I've just had a baby. Like she wasn't the mom that

I had growing up that would be so nurturing and so helpful and so kind. She was so out of touch that I just went through an emergency C-section. My son could have not made it. Like that didn't register in her brain at all. So that was like so hard for me. I was devastated by that. So yeah, it was, it was really hard.

Chelsea Myers (18:05)
Yeah, yeah.

Sarah Savage (18:06)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (18:07)
I mean, I feel like when we say that too, that's the thing that a lot of us who have gone through similar situations or through traumatic births where I was like, it was really hard. And that's such a nutshell way to sum it up. But

like, my gosh, so so many things stuck out to me when you were talking about

it. One.

My first question was, how quickly did you go from your water breaking to being 10 centimeters and on an operating table?

Sarah Savage (18:36)
So my water broke at 6.30 in the morning and I had my son at 10, 11 a.m. So like

Chelsea Myers (18:45)
my god.

Sarah Savage (18:46)
when I got to the hospital by my house, I probably was already almost 10 centimeters and then they transferred me by ambulance to the hospital in Ann Arbor, Michigan where I was gonna give birth. I think I like was in labor during the night and had no idea.

crazy how fast the progression that I was already like 10 centimeters dilated. Like there was like no

Chelsea Myers (19:08)
Yeah.

Sarah Savage (19:09)
time. Like it happens so fast.

Chelsea Myers (19:14)
Well,

and that also speaks to like when you were talking about how sort of violating the experience was. So

Sarah Savage (19:21)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (19:22)
A, you go from, this is not a birth that you can anticipate. Nobody can anticipate this type of situation. And I'm sure it's not what you had on your bingo card.

Sarah Savage (19:33)
Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (19:33)
even as a nurse, even understanding like what's going on and if they're telling you like what your vitals are and what you need and what a cord prolapse is and all of these things,

Sarah Savage (19:43)
Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (19:44)
knowing those things doesn't change the lack of control that you feel in that moment. And I'm really glad that you did use the word violating because again, you can speak to this a little bit more. Even if you knew that the things that they were doing were necessary and

and to save your life and to save your child's life to go from being an active labor and getting ready to push to having hands on you, in you, around you, having no physical space to breathe is violating. Yeah,

I mean, and I'm sure there was so much going on in your head in that moment, but

Did you have any sense of safety or confidence in your team or was it more like this is happening?

Sarah Savage (20:34)
I had confidence in the team, but it did feel like I just had such a, I felt like the only way I could control the situation was staying calm. And

Chelsea Myers (20:47)
Mm-hmm.

Sarah Savage (20:48)
I do want to mention this, this is very sensitive, but I was sexually assaulted when I was 19 and 22. And like that's something I've talked to my therapist was like,

when and my psychiatrist is if you've been sexually assaulted, it does bring you those feelings back. I mean, at the time in the moment, I wasn't thinking about that, but reflecting back on it now, like that was so violating. But I went to this place of calm. very into like my ancestors and like believing in a higher power and just energy. And it is

beautiful. have this necklace on that my great aunt Rose, this was her necklace from Poland. And I had this necklace on the whole time during my surgery because they never had time to take it off. So I felt like

Chelsea Myers (21:41)
wow.

Sarah Savage (21:41)
I felt this connection that I was being protected in this moment, like that at the end of the day, I was meant to have this little boy in my life and that everything was going to be okay. But

It was not okay. But that was what I believed. That's what got me through it.

Chelsea Myers (22:01)
Yeah, yeah.

That totally resonates with me and I don't even have the right words. In such a chaotic environment and in such an emergent situation, to be able to be tethered by that is

Sarah Savage (22:18)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (22:19)
such a gift, I think.

And I've said this to other medical professionals who have been on the show who have gone through traumatic birth or things like this. It's like,

Sarah Savage (22:28)
No.

Chelsea Myers (22:28)
just because you have the knowledge and the background, it doesn't make it any less terrifying.

Sarah Savage (22:35)
No, no, it was so, yeah, it was

so scary. So scary.

Chelsea Myers (22:41)
So

I like, I, for you to be able to ground yourself and sort of

Sarah Savage (22:46)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (22:48)
put yourself into this place of calm and sort of like, okay, this, this is happening. Like that is, that is beyond words. Like that's incredible that you were able to do that.

And then talking about your NICU experience, again, this is a term I hear a lot is like, oh, well, was only this many days or it was only this many.

Sarah Savage (23:10)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (23:11)
And the biggest thing I've learned is like, if your child was in the NICU, you are a NICU mama. And so right.

Sarah Savage (23:17)
Yeah, I don't think I give myself

enough credit for that because those...

Chelsea Myers (23:21)
Yeah, you're you are a NICU mama. You're a NICU mama

warrior and Mickey is a NICU warrior. And it does play into your story because like you said, like, it played into you feeling like, if I can't do this for him, then I have to do this for him.

Sarah Savage (23:43)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (23:44)
Which led into the sleep deprivation compounded by the fact that your mother

was not the mother that you recognized. At this

Sarah Savage (23:51)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (23:52)
point, was anyone else aware? Like was was she being evaluated or?

Sarah Savage (23:59)
This was kind of what leads into my psychosis was really the breaking point of alerting my dad and my family that she was not the same person. So it's so compiled, like it gets so complex. Like at this point, it was more like my aunt and I had talked like my mom's acting different. Like she's not the same person. A little bit with my dad, you know, talking about her changes. but

not like getting medical professional help yet at this point.

Chelsea Myers (24:33)
Okay.

but she was there, obviously, to try to support you. She was your mom. Yeah.

Sarah Savage (24:40)
Yeah, she really wanted to

like her heart was in the right place. Like she wanted to help with the baby. She wanted to, but like it's like she only could be there, but not like really present and not supportive, unfortunately. And I know that

Chelsea Myers (24:57)
Yeah.

Sarah Savage (24:58)
she would never, she want like the inside of her wants to be supportive. It's just that her heart, but it's just that she cognitively can't do that.

Chelsea Myers (25:08)
So it was a very chaotic, fast whirlwind, like all of those, like the perfect storm while compounded by you having to confront this new version of your mother and this new version of yourself as a mother.

Sarah Savage (25:24)
Yeah. Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (25:28)
And you're recovering from major surgery.

Sarah Savage (25:31)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (25:32)
When you did finally get to go home and when Mickey finally came home, what were those first few days and weeks like for you? Did the sleep deprivation continue?

Sarah Savage (25:42)
So the sleep deprivation continued. We stayed at a hotel until there was a hotel in the hospital, which was really nice. So we stayed in the hotel

Chelsea Myers (25:51)
wow.

Sarah Savage (25:52)
until Mickey got discharged. So that was day 10. So he was 10 days old. He got discharged. My dad was like still kind of doing some housework for us and my mom was there as well. But I remember coming home and having like

Well, what I should backtrack a little in the hotel, I started noticing like when I would shower, I would start singing and being like, wow, I have the best voice in the world. Like I, I think I'm going down a path of like where I could be a singer. And then like, I would dance in the room when no one was in the room listening to music over the same song over and over and over again. And meanwhile, like I'm not getting sleep. Really high energy. I started like,

texting my brother telling him like you need to notify mom or mom and dad's siblings that something is going on with mom because like I'm gonna be busy with the baby but you notify that like there's something going on with mom and dad's gonna need help. So I'm like coordinating care and like doing all this stuff that was a little bizarre and then when I did finally get home on day 10, I remember taking my dad out on the driveway. We're like sitting outside in the sun and I was like

Just so you know, like my brother Matt has like told everybody that mom's not doing well and that you need help. And then like a neighbor was like biking by and I'd be like, I had a baby. I'm like waving my hands and I'm like, hello, I've had a baby. And then she like stops to talk to me and I'm like talking super fast. Like this is what happened and la la la la la. And then like my dad is like, what is going on? Like it was very apparent that I was like very high energy.

hyperverbal, like anyone that was passing by I would talk to and not acting appropriate. don't, I think my dad was like, I don't know what's going on, but like, is she just like happy that she like survived this traumatic birth? I think that's where he thought my head was at. And again, that night and I was like starting not to pay as much attention to my son. And I was like very into like,

making this video of my birth story, typing up this huge paragraph about what happened and coordinating the song to the birth video. I have it on my Instagram, but acting very bizarre. Why am I focusing on that? I should be focusing on my son. remember that night not getting any sleep and the next day was Mickey's first doctor's appointment.

I didn't even have a diaper bag packed. Like we didn't have like, we hadn't spent a lot of time at home and like we were in that hotel in the NICU and like didn't even have a diaper bag packed. That morning was chaotic. My mom came over and cause they were staying at a hotel. She came over, she held Mickey, she asked to hold them. was like, okay. The next thing I know I look over and she's sleeping holding Mickey. And like that was a very like

no no in the NICU, like no sleeping while holding the baby.

Chelsea Myers (29:03)
Yeah

Sarah Savage (29:04)
So I was like, mom, wake up, what are you doing? And then I remember I like look at my dad and I was like, dad, mom needs help. I was like, this is not safe. She is not acting appropriately. Like she's not herself. And my dad and I kind of started getting into it. And like he and I never fight. Like we're not like that. But I was so revved up and then so protective of my son.

And then I was like, she needs help. Like you need to take her back to Florida. She needs to get evaluated. She like, she has something wrong with her. and then I remember like we rushed to the doctor's appointment and that's when things really started changing. Like I remember feeling like I wasn't even present as his appointment. I'll like, I wanted to get through it as fast as I could. And then when we got in the car,

to go back home. That's when I lost it. I told my husband, was like, my dad can never come back in this house. All of my thoughts started changing towards my dad. was like, he cannot come back to this house. My mom and dad have to leave. I was almost screaming and fright. It almost felt like I was in a nightmare movie. And I remember feeling like I could see myself outside of myself.

And I got really frightened. And then like my husband was just like, okay, like I'll tell them to leave. And like, that was really hard for my parents. Cause like we've never had, like, we're very close with them. And my husband had to be like, unfortunately, like you can't come back in this house. And then that's when like things really got dark. I remember my husband went to like, get my mom some medication she left at my house to bring to the hotel. Cause they left so rapidly.

when he left to go take the medication, I remember sitting there and I was holding my son and I was like, my dad killed my cats. Like, cause I remember I didn't see them for a while, my cats. And I was like, I can't believe my dad killed my cats. And then I was like, he's going to kill my husband. Like my husband is going there to take the pills to my mom and my dad is killing my husband. I remember feeling convinced.

Like it was a delusion I was having, but I was convinced.

Chelsea Myers (31:20)
Yeah.

Sarah Savage (31:21)
I was convinced that he was going to kill my husband. And I remember like my husband came back and like opened our door. We have like a lock pad that makes noises and like the door opened and I just screamed. And I was like, for some reason I was like, Nate and I had no shirt on was holding Mickey naked, like rocking back and forth. I was so terrified. And then

That day, I remember I spent like the whole day like being so mad at my parents and like talking to family members and like texting people like I'm so mad at my dad. And if my dad sets foot on the property, I'm calling the police and just like very irrational illogical thoughts. And then I had my husband call 911 because I thought I was having a stroke. Like I remember at some point I didn't eat the whole day.

And still, like really not paying attention to Mickey, like kind of paying attention to him, but like hardly at all. Like my husband was like, probably like, what is going on? And his focus was very much on my son because he's a little preemie and like, he was just like doing the best he could. but I remember like, I started having numbness in my face and I felt like I couldn't even get off the couch and my blood pressure felt so high.

I think really what was happening was I was having a panic attack, but I thought I was having a stroke. So

Chelsea Myers (32:47)
Mm-hmm.

Sarah Savage (32:48)
I had my husband call 911. They picked me up. And then again, I was like having all these signs. Everything like was connected because the fireman that came to pick up me to take me to the hospital, he had actually delivered a baby in my house like 10 years ago. And I was like, oh my gosh.

Chelsea Myers (33:09)
wow.

Sarah Savage (33:09)
And that is a true story. But I remember feeling like, my gosh, he knew I needed help because like he delivered a baby in my house and like now he's here helping me and like this is all connected and like, you know, like it's very wild. So then I went to the, was taken to the hospital and they just were, I remember hearing them talk about Haldol in the background and I was like, why would they want to give me Haldol? Like that's not appropriate. Like I'm here for a stroke.

and Haldol

Chelsea Myers (33:39)
Mm-hmm.

Sarah Savage (33:39)
is like a medication you would give someone that is agitated. And it's like a psych medication. And I just remember being like, that's not appropriate. Like I'm here for a stroke, my blood pressure's high. Also, I forgot to say that I had the baby early because of preeclampsia. I forgot to say that. With all the cord prolapse and everything. Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (33:59)
Mm-hmm. Well, there was a lot, Sarah. There was a

lot going on.

Sarah Savage (34:05)
So

I had preeclampsia and that's why I was so fixated on like the blood pressure being high. And then my best friend was coming in town that day from Illinois. So she ended up picking me up from the hospital that evening because like Dylan was, my husband was with the baby. And so she's a nurse and she came into the hospital and she's like, I'm leaking breast milk. She's like,

they never got you a pump and I'm like, no, like, so she like goes and gets me a pump and then like, they ended up discharging me. They said that they thought I had like postpartum depression and that I was fine, but like they're like, here's some pamphlets about postpartum depression and like follow up with your doctor. So I went home. Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (34:51)
my god

Sarah Savage (34:52)
Yeah. So I went home that night and

was still very agitated about my dad, was not acting appropriately. They finally got me to go to bed. my best friend Amy and my husband Dylan, they finally got me to go to bed for like maybe two hours. And then I woke up and I started making shrines in my room. Like I took toys from Mickey's room. I put them in my bed. Then I like took any piece of jewelry or picture that was meaningful me.

meaningful to me and started like putting it next to my nightstand. Like just collecting things and I thought I was being like so artistic and like I was kind of trying to reclaim like I'm like this is my stuff. Like I think I was trying to like take some control back. So I was like I'm just like

Chelsea Myers (35:43)
Mm-hmm.

Sarah Savage (35:44)
taking my son's stuff because like he's my son so I'm gonna put that in my bed and like I'm taking my jewelry and putting it on my nightstand and like my husband was like what are you doing? And I was like

this, I'm just, this is my stuff. Like this is very important to me. Like, I was like, okay. and that day I just was acting a mess. I remember that, that day's food started tasting metallic. So like I stopped eating. Then I was convinced my breast milk was toxic because I even associated that with my dad. I was like, because I fought with my dad, like now my breast milk is toxic. So I poured like so many bottles of breast milk down the sink.

like all my hard work of pumping like bottles and bottles. I was like, I'm not feeding my son until like my dad and I are on better terms, like because like I don't want him to get the toxic breast milk. And I was acting so strange that day. Then I was starting to get fixated on pictures. So there's a picture of a dog, a golden retriever that I grew up next to my house named Mickey and like,

My son is named after our friend that passed away, also like it's cute that the dog I grew up next door to was named Mickey. So I like put the picture in Mickey's bassinet and like was taking pictures of Mickey with the picture of the dog. And then I was finding like more pictures of family and letters and cards from my mom. And I just remember like hoarding the pictures. And then I started having my best friend and my husband hang the pictures.

on the wall because I was like, my mom loves NBC Today show. I was like, so I'm going to like connect with my mom by getting on the Today show. So like, we're going to hang all these photos. So when they come here, they're going to see that like all these photos of my family and my mom. then I had this bin of like cards for my mom that I started going through and I'm like crying and like reading these photos and like my mom would always write on the photos like

on the back of the photos and like one of them said like go back to bed. And I remember being like my mom see my mom's telling me to go back to bed like she knows what's best for me. And then that's when I started thinking that ancestors that had passed away in some of these photos were like talking to me like go get you and your mom help like you guys need help. And I remember like texting my sister-in-law I'm like, why do only the dead people care about me? Like the weirdest thoughts and things.

So then I took it upon myself, the hospital that I, the community I live in has a hospital within walking distance to my house. So I was like, well, I'm going to go get help because like I worked in the ICU there and I was like, my ICU coworkers are going to take care of me and like, I'm going to get better. like, I'm going to reclaim my power and like, I'm going to get my mom and I help. Cause then it started becoming like very focused on my mom and I. So I took this bin.

I remember I was in pajamas, had like compression stockings on. And then like, I started kind of fighting with my husband because I was like, I'm leaving, I'm getting help. And he's like, No, you're not. And then I remember, like, as soon as he went back inside, I started running to the hospital with this bin. And like, so Dylan, my husband had to like go to the neighbor's house, be like, Can you watch Mickey for us? Like, it so chaotic and so sad.

And then he gets in the car to find me and picks me up on the side of the road. And I'm like, you need to take me to the hospital. I have to get help. And so he drove me to the hospital and I said, let me walk into the ER by myself. I have to have pride for myself. And I walk into the ER in my pajamas with a container of letters and cards from my mom. I go up to the front desk and I'm like, I'm here to get help. I'm checking myself in and they're like, okay.

And then the ER doors open and like I worked at this hospital at the time. I don't work there now, but I knew where everything was at. So I walk into the ER and I go, where's so-and-so? Where's this doctor? Like I'm going to the ICU to get help. So I put myself in a room. I put myself on a blood pressure cuff, start taking my blood pressure. And I was like, I'm going to the ICU. Like I'm going to be their patient. And I had even texted my coworkers, I'll see you in the ICU.

And like, they're like, what? Like, just like bizarre things. And so security was like, Sarah, like, you need to follow us. Like you have to go to triage, talk to the triage nurse. While I'm talking to the triage nurse, I'm blasting Lady Gaga. Like I remember I had my headphone on and I'm like listening to music while the triage nurse is interviewing me. And then

Chelsea Myers (40:31)
my gosh.

Sarah Savage (40:32)
they finally put me into a psych room in the ER. And I

They didn't take my pictures yet. So then I started taping them to the side of the stretcher and started taking pictures of like this thing my mom had wrote. like, I was very fixated on documenting everything. Like everything had to be documented. So that is when we found out that I was having postpartum psychosis.

Chelsea Myers (40:59)
Yeah Yeah

Sarah Savage (41:01)
Yeah!

Chelsea Myers (41:04)
There are so many layers to this. There are so many layers

Sarah Savage (41:06)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (41:07)
to this, especially since you were telling me when we first started talking about how like, you're not the type of person that wants attention on you and you're not gonna like speak in front of people and to go

Sarah Savage (41:19)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (41:20)
from that person to being on your front lawn and being like,

Hey everybody, I just had a baby. like,

Sarah Savage (41:25)
Yeah, yeah.

Chelsea Myers (41:27)
and yeah, and even noticing while you were still in the hospital, like I'm a superstar. I'm going to be a singer. like,

Sarah Savage (41:34)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (41:35)
these are, did you at the time, did it seem out of place or did it just seem like, nope, this is, this is what I'm supposed to be doing.

Sarah Savage (41:46)
It kind of felt like because my birth was so traumatic that I was getting this second chance at life. So I associated as I just have this gratitude and appreciation for life. And this is my new,

Chelsea Myers (41:58)
Yeah.

Sarah Savage (41:59)
like, I feel so grateful for my life and I feel so grateful for my son's life. And like, I thought that's why I was feeling so like elated. Really, it was mania. But I

Chelsea Myers (42:10)
Yeah.

Sarah Savage (42:11)
thought that that's why I was so happy.

Chelsea Myers (42:13)
Well, and it's, I'm-

I'm so glad that you were also so detailed in all of that too and explaining everything that led up to you going to the hospital because we've had several moms now who have experienced postpartum psychosis share their experiences and they're all so different.

Sarah Savage (42:32)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (42:33)
And what you are describing is, I know that you're associated with PSI as well, but like when we

Sarah Savage (42:39)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (42:39)
get our training, when we get our postpartum psychosis training,

that is one of like the classic presentations, right? Like this high

Sarah Savage (42:48)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (42:48)
energy, no sleep, magical thinking, delusions.

Sarah Savage (42:53)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (42:55)
And then we also hear the like, if you're hearing voices or seeing things that aren't there, but when you're explaining it, I'm just...

my mind immediately goes to that magical thinking, just like you were saying, like, I'm

Sarah Savage (43:07)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (43:08)
owed this and my spirit, my guardians are protecting us and I'm doing, and

Sarah Savage (43:13)
Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (43:13)
I'm going to get on the Today Show and save me and my mom.

Sarah Savage (43:16)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (43:16)
And like, all of these big ideas that

Sarah Savage (43:21)
Okay.

Chelsea Myers (43:22)
typical Sarah would be like, I don't want that. Like, I don't want, I don't want to be on the Today Show.

Sarah Savage (43:27)
Yeah, no, I don't want attention. No.

Chelsea Myers (43:33)
And so your husband and your best friend and your parents at this point are sort of witnessing this and you've

Sarah Savage (43:39)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (43:39)
said it a little bit. What was your husband's thought process? Like you even said, you're like, nope, I'm marching. I'm going to go get help. And he's like, no, you're not.

Sarah Savage (43:49)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (43:50)
But what do you know what was going through his mind at the time?

Sarah Savage (43:54)
He was very much in survival mode because he was, from the moment he was pushed out of that OR room, that completely changed him. And he was so dedicated as a father to Mickey and protecting him because he spent so much time in the NICU. And he was very protective of me. And he was just kind of like, I want to support Sarah. Like, okay, you don't want to see your parents. Okay, we'll have them leave. And like,

He was just like, you want to dance and sing? Okay, well, let's make you happy. I think he was just trying to support me, but his main focus was on Mickey, which thank goodness he was, because I wasn't really being very, I wasn't really present with my son. So, yeah.

Chelsea Myers (44:45)
Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, that makes that makes a lot of sense.

Sarah Savage (44:49)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (44:51)
The protector mode that resonates, especially with my own partner.

you took us up to the point where you're decorating your room in the ER

Sarah Savage (45:02)
Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (45:03)
Was this the point?

that you'd be, because I know that you were, you were hospitalized in a psychiatric

Sarah Savage (45:11)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (45:12)
unit. Was this the point where it was like, this is the next step?

Sarah Savage (45:17)
Yeah, that was the next step. So I was at a local hospital by my house and then they had to transfer me where I had my son. They had a psych unit. So I was transferred to that ER and held in an ER psych unit for probably 12 hours. And that was a nightmare. That was the one of the darkest days of my life because I was kind of confused of how I got there, what was going on, all the noises.

I felt just so, I felt like I was living in a nightmare. And then that's when I started, like, I couldn't even go to the bathroom. It's like my body was shutting down. I remember like I had

Chelsea Myers (46:00)
Mmm.

Sarah Savage (46:00)
trouble peeing and like I was just like in pain and like leaking breast milk and just felt like I was just put in this room and kind of just ignored for like the next 12 hours. I mean, I don't get me wrong. I had good care.

But I felt like, where am I? Like, what just happened? And then you're hearing people screaming in the hallways and you just kind of have, you lose the sense of reality of like, what's happening. And then that's when I, I was still having very delusional thoughts and like making, I was able to make a phone call and like demanded that my brother come in and help because I was like, he's going to, I was like, I need someone with my DNA to represent me.

because I had kicked my parents out and I was like, need somebody that knows me and like that's connected to me, even though my husband knows me wonderfully. just, that was my delusional thought. And then I was brought into the actual psych unit and I remember being wheeled in there and just was a shell of a human, like completely just crying and just not understanding really where I was.

And they, it's so vulnerable. Like they basically strip you down. They have to like look at your behind to make sure like you don't have anything up your rectum or like, I just remember just feeling so vulnerable in that moment and just like so confused as to where I was. And it took me a couple of days to really grasp that I was in a psych unit and it's, it was a general psych unit. So it's not made for a postpartum mom.

First of all, I didn't

Chelsea Myers (47:35)
No.

Sarah Savage (47:35)
have my child. I could only see my husband three days a week for two hours at a time or maybe it was an hour. You're with a general population, so like they all have different psychiatric disorders and that was a little bit of a saving grace as I'm being a nurse. know what a psych patient is like, but had I not known that would have been really really hard and really scary because sometimes they say things that they don't mean or

they're acting a certain way and it was really scary at first. And then they want it. They, the psych doctors also like it's you, when they interview you, you almost feel like you're in like a police office and like you're being like interviewed for like, yes,

Chelsea Myers (48:19)
Like an interrogation.

Sarah Savage (48:21)
it's feels like an interrogation. Do you want to harm your son? Like, do you have these thoughts? Like what thoughts are you having? And like at the time, like I had no ill thoughts towards my son. Like,

It was all just like, I was mad at my dad. I was fixated on like, I'm mad at him. Like I had no thoughts of harming my son, no thoughts of harming myself. That changes later, but it was very scary. And then they wanted to put me on an anti-psychotic and I had a really hard time wanting to take medication. Cause I was like, but I have to feed my son. Like, cause then started my...

feelings changed, like I wanted to still feed my son. it just took a couple days to really understand where the heck I was. And then they're having you go to all these like group classes and like, I'm literally 12, I think I was 12 days postpartum. And nurses didn't ask me about my C-section wound or like how I was doing with my pain or.

Then I had to learn how to pump on my own and I used a bedpan to kind of clean. Because the shower only works for 15 seconds, so then you're putting the bedpan in the shower and then you're putting your bottles. I had to navigate all this myself and that was so hard. I kind of, because I was manic at that point, I kind of used that energy to be like, I'm in survival mode and I'm going to get me out of here. I was like,

I'm going to get out of here and I'm going to be able to change the world. I was really still very manic. I was in the psych unit

Chelsea Myers (50:02)
Yeah.

Sarah Savage (50:02)
for about eight days. Then during this

Chelsea Myers (50:06)
Okay.

Sarah Savage (50:07)
time, it was my mom's birthday. I remember writing her a letter and I would keep a diary. Then I remember at one point too, I was like, I'm going to make sense of this. I even had a calendar and had different

coding like different colors for like different feelings because I was trying to show the therapist like or the psychiatrist like this is why I'm acting this way. had such a like it took me a while to grasp that I had postpartum psychosis that took forever when they don't really educate you.

Chelsea Myers (50:38)
Did

they bring it up? Did they tell you that you had postpartum psychosis?

Sarah Savage (50:43)
They brought it up, but very quickly and didn't spend a whole lot of time talking about it. Yeah,

Chelsea Myers (50:49)
Okay.

Sarah Savage (50:52)
not until I went to outpatient therapy. So after the eight days there, I went to outpatient partial hospitalization program. And then that's when the nurse practitioner was like, you had postpartum psychosis. But even that was hard

Chelsea Myers (51:05)
Okay.

Sarah Savage (51:06)
because for that,

partial hospitalization, I still couldn't bring my kid because it was a general partial hospitalization. So I'm leaving my child again. like not having a normal postpartum, not being able to bond with my child. I'm like focused on going to these classes and I did really embrace them and I did like them. But I'm like pumping during my lunch and like it just was not catered for a postpartum mom at all.

was so hard.

Chelsea Myers (51:38)
No,

no. And so much of what you're saying resonates with me and anyone, any postpartum person who has experienced a psych hospitalization or even a partial hospitalization will tell you in this country that it is not designed for postpartum people.

Sarah Savage (51:59)
No.

Chelsea Myers (52:00)
No, I, I.

It breaks my heart, number one. mean, as a fellow C-section mama as well too, to know that like that takes weeks of recovery and you're only

Sarah Savage (52:13)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (52:13)
like 12 days postpartum and no one's asking you about your incision and you're cleaning your own pump parts and you have to, and on a general psych ward, yours at least was in a hospital. So I'm sure someone

Sarah Savage (52:28)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (52:29)
could find a pump or I don't know if it was your pump, but like,

Sarah Savage (52:32)
Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (52:33)
that's unheard of to have like

Sarah Savage (52:35)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (52:37)
a pump available. And to hear to just the thing you're thinking of like, okay, my goal is to leave. My goal is to prove that I can leave.

Sarah Savage (52:44)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (52:47)
like, so even then you're still having this delusional thinking sort of of like, I'm here, not really supposed to be here. I'm to do all the things that I'm supposed to do so I can get out of here.

Sarah Savage (52:58)
Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (52:59)
Yeah, yeah. And partial hospitalization is no joke either. Like for anyone who's unfamiliar,

Sarah Savage (53:04)
No.

Chelsea Myers (53:05)
I also did that. That is, that's like going to school. You're there all day.

Sarah Savage (53:09)
Yeah, you're there all day.

Chelsea Myers (53:12)
You're there all day and it's classes and it's therapy. You

Sarah Savage (53:14)
You have to participate. Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (53:17)
have to participate. Even when you feel completely not present in your body or

Sarah Savage (53:24)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (53:24)
your brain. And then like you're pumping on your breaks and

Sarah Savage (53:28)
Yeah. And that was so foreign

Chelsea Myers (53:30)
my gosh, Sarah.

Sarah Savage (53:31)
to me. Like it was foreign to me to ever, I had never done therapy. I was never someone that would ever talk about how I felt in front of people. Like this experience has changed me in a positive light where I feel comfortable talking to anyone now. So that is something positive I take from this experience. But

Chelsea Myers (53:49)
Ha ha!

Sarah Savage (53:50)
I was so out of my comfort zone. I'm like, I don't tell people how I feel. Like what? You know, like

Chelsea Myers (53:56)
This isn't-

no, this is not- this is not how we do things.

Sarah Savage (53:58)
Mm-hmm.

I

was on Zyprexa antipsychotic. I did feel like it made me very tired at night. Like I kind of checked out at night. So I was very unhelpful with nighttime routine. And like, that was huge. Like my poor husband, like he...

would have to feed Mickey and burp him at night. And then I was like, well, my goal is to get off this medication because like I want to go back to work and I want to be present at night. And so with a psychiatrist, I did titrate off the medication, which was not a smart idea because after I did that, I went into the darkest depression and the deepest anxiety I've ever felt like crawling out of my skin, like just

I've never been so anxious in my life. I stopped eating, like taking care of myself. I started having suicidal thoughts, really wanting to harm myself. And I just felt, I also felt like I should take Mickey to the fire station, like put him up for adoption. Like I don't think I'm fit to be a mom. And that was really hard. So I hit a breaking point and went back to the psych unit.

and that was in October.

Chelsea Myers (55:13)
Did you

make that decision? Did you make that decision?

Sarah Savage (55:16)
Well, I called my therapist and she was like, if you're having suicidal thoughts, like I think you need to go to the ER. And so

Chelsea Myers (55:23)
Yeah.

Sarah Savage (55:24)
I did. And that was really, really hard. Like I know I did the right thing, but again, that I was still postpartum. Yes, it was October. I was a couple months postpartum, but I was...

that psych stay was so traumatic for me. And yes, it did get me to get on Zoloft, which Zoloft is a great medication. It has done wonders to me. But I feel like if I would have been able to go to like an outpatient program that was focused on maternal mental health or a maternal mental health unit where I could have my child with me, because again, my child was taken away from me. I felt so traumatized. The nurses, they did the best they could, but sometimes they said like,

inappropriate things like I can't imagine being away from my child. Okay, well now I have I had months and months of shame it like that psych stay traumatized me for months like the my behaviors after that psych stay I still had suicidal thoughts. I still was like just like not doing well like I would act inappropriately and was like

I'm going to do what I can to become homeless or in prison because like my actions, like I don't deserve to be here and I don't deserve to be a mom because of everything like that's happened. Like I've proven like I'm not meant to be a mom and I had so much shame and it led to me like quitting my job because I never went back to work after I had the baby because of everything that happened.

and I had gotten a letter of like, I stopped communicating to my boss. I stopped communicating to friends. I had a horrible relationship with my husband. My dad had to come in and take care of my son because I was not able to take care of him. I got like a letter from my work that I had to respond to them. And I remember just like one thing changed. don't know, I think I like had this dream that was like,

take ownership of your life. So then I remember getting up at like four in the morning and I was like, I'm going to write a letter to my job. I had so much shame, especially with the job because like I've always been a very responsible nurse, always did my job, worked hard. So I decided to write my boss a letter of my story and I was like, this is what happened to me. I'm quitting my job. Please read this to my coworkers and like read this

to your staff and share this. I was very open, but I did quit my job. And that was kind of the start of when I started, something in me was like reclaim, like take ownership of your story. But this took a good, I mean, it'll be two years in July. It took over a year for me to recover from that traumatic psych stay.

or just everything. And like, I'm still recovering and I'm still healing, but like, that's why I've become like an advocate or I talk so openly about things because like things

need to change. Like we need to have perinatal psych units. We need to have more better perinatal care, mental health for, for moms, but so they don't feel so alone.

Sarah Savage (58:45)
it was so traumatic.

And it makes me sad that my birth story is, it feels to me that it's overshadowed by my psych stays. Like I don't even really, the birth story is like the afterthought. I focus more of my energy on that I was a psych patient twice. And that was devastating for me because we do need better mental health care. We

need perinatal mental health units. We need units for postpartum moms. We need better general inpatient psych units because they're set up to make you feel shame.

Chelsea Myers (59:27)
we need better mental health systems set up anyway. And that is without even considering the fact that our country only has four

perinatal psychiatric inpatient

facilities at all. When you compare that to other countries that have mother-baby units, which are mental health facilities where you get to have your baby with you and go through these things together. And

know that that's something that you're passionate about. And I know that mental health in general and mental health awareness is something that you advocate for.

I completely relate and empathize with the feeling of detachment and shame.

Chelsea Myers (1:00:13)
the shame that you talk about is something that resonates with me.

Sarah Savage (1:00:16)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:00:17)
and I know will resonate with others who have experienced I'm only giggling because we have a visitor.

Sarah Savage (1:00:23)
of Eeyore, my cat.

Chelsea Myers (1:00:25)
yes. because perinatal mental health disorders took me away from my child for the first nine months of her life.

Sarah Savage (1:00:36)
Okay.

Chelsea Myers (1:00:36)
And it isn't something that like once you're stable or on the path to stability that you're just like, okay, back to normal, back to life as normal. Like you said, there's

Sarah Savage (1:00:48)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:00:48)
PTSD, there's flashbacks, there's dealing

Sarah Savage (1:00:52)
Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (1:00:52)
with the repercussions of everything that went on.

What you experienced, unfortunately, is not unique when it comes to the mental health system in the US. And that

Sarah Savage (1:01:05)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:01:07)
is heartbreaking and maddening and incredibly frustrating, to say the very least. What I love so much about what you're doing now, today, is the way that you approach your experience and sharing it.

is so relatable. So there there is this humor to it that someone who hasn't experienced it would not understand.

Sarah Savage (1:01:37)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:01:39)
And there's also this joy that radiates from you that

If you know me, I don't believe in silver linings. with everything that you went through from the traumatic birth to the NICU stay to all of the psych experiences, there is so much joy in you today. And I wonder

Sarah Savage (1:02:04)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:02:05)
if you can talk a little bit about when that shift started to happen for you when the light started to come back on.

Sarah Savage (1:02:14)
It started happening, I would very slowly about a year ago when I found your podcast, when I found other people that had experienced post-partum psychosis, depression, anxiety. I went to a maternal mental health conference last May and I was like, wow, there's people that understand this and get this and like, I can actually share my story. Once I was like,

I don't have to be so ashamed about this and it doesn't make me a bad mom that I went through this. Let's talk about it. And I've found connections through Instagram that are so powerful. Once I felt seen, like, wow, other people see me and they understand what I went through. There's other people like me because for so long I felt so isolated. I was like, this only happened to me.

And it's like, no, unfortunately this happens to so many. And that's when I really noticed a shift. And then it's really just been baby steps. It's one foot in front of the other one day to the next day. And like, I still have bad days. Like I still have days where I don't feel great or I also am like really struggling with like how much my body has changed. And that's a whole nother topic, but like.

It's just been like built over time. It's one day at a time. And then I went back to work this past December and that has like been so wonderful. I work part time. I love being a nurse. My coworkers know my story. They're so supportive of my story and having that support and authenticity where I can talk about mental health and mental illness. And just by being an open book, that brings me joy because like I don't have anything to hide.

And like, it's

Chelsea Myers (1:04:03)
Yeah.

Sarah Savage (1:04:03)
funny, like, the girl I was prior to all this, I hid a lot. I hid under a shell. Like, I was a little anxious and I was shy. And now I can say that something positive that did come from this experience is I feel like I'm authentically me. Because...

Chelsea Myers (1:04:20)
That

is the perfect, that is the perfect,

Sarah Savage (1:04:22)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:04:23)
like I would have said the exact same thing about you. Like

Sarah Savage (1:04:26)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:04:26)
obviously only knowing you from social media and like our chats from that. Like when I think Sarah, I think authentically you and unapologetically you.

Sarah Savage (1:04:37)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:04:40)
Yeah. And

Sarah Savage (1:04:41)
Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (1:04:41)
I don't know, I don't know if that, if...

Sometimes it's hard to like feel confidence in that but I feel like you have confidence in that.

Sarah Savage (1:04:50)
I do. I even have confidence that I like say like, hey, I'm struggling with my postpartum body. I have gained so much weight. And I think a lot of it is from the trauma of everything. And then I'm also have hypothyroidism and I'm on medication. It's just like, I'm still like, I'm very raw and real that like, I am struggling in who I am today. But I also have joy, I can feel joy, and I can love motherhood, but also have days where I'm like,

like who am I and like why do I not feel confident today and like you know I still have joy and I can still authentically be me and still struggle and

Chelsea Myers (1:05:31)
Yeah,

Sarah Savage (1:05:32)
you know.

Chelsea Myers (1:05:33)
it's the both and. It's the both and

Sarah Savage (1:05:35)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:05:36)
and

I always try so hard to like not infuse myself into these sessions, but it's harder when I like I talk to you almost every day, at least we message once a day. And so like, when I saw you go back to work, and I saw how excited you were, it was so amazing to share in that joy and to see you so happy.

Sarah Savage (1:05:57)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:05:58)
And I know you and I have messaged a lot about how we struggle with how our bodies have changed since birth trauma

Sarah Savage (1:06:06)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:06:06)
and since all

of the psych stuff. I think that's another common theme that we don't talk about. I don't think people realize that trauma and the impact of mental illness

Sarah Savage (1:06:18)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:06:18)
can have a huge impact on your body. Not just like what it looks like, how it functions, like

Sarah Savage (1:06:25)
Okay.

Chelsea Myers (1:06:26)
your physical health is impacted just as much as your mental health.

Sarah Savage (1:06:29)
And I didn't touch on before, like when I was at the height of my depression, I stopped eating, even trying drinking, they'd have to like force me to do that. But my hygiene, I stopped showering for like weeks, I wouldn't shower, I stopped brushing my teeth, I wouldn't leave the couch. Like, there were like weeks to months where I was so immobile and like the damage that I did to my body. It's like my body now is like still figuring through all that.

Like yes, I'm mentally doing better, but my body is still playing catch up to like the months of damage I did to it.

Chelsea Myers (1:07:05)
Yeah, it was none of it was your fault and you know that I know you know that and

Sarah Savage (1:07:09)
Mm-hmm. yeah. I know I don't always like word that

correctly, but I do work on that in therapy.

Chelsea Myers (1:07:15)
I mean, I do

too. I'm an eldest daughter millennial who blames myself for everything. Let's just listen to a Noah Khan album and you'll, right? Like,

Sarah Savage (1:07:23)
huh.

Chelsea Myers (1:07:26)
so I get that, that definitely relates, but it hurts my heart that so many people that I've connected with, including myself, were failed by the mental health system, by the medical system. The outcomes could have been so much different.

I also know, and I'd love for you to speak on it because I just know from what I see, but that working on your relationship with Mickey is something that you're really, really proud of.

Sarah Savage (1:07:55)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:07:56)
Do you want to speak about that a little bit?

Sarah Savage (1:07:59)
Yes, like I went from hardly taking care of him to taking care, I stayed at home for almost over a year, but I took care of him. That was an adjustment. At first it was so hard. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't even feel like I had a relationship with him. And then I just took it one day at a time. One diaper change, one outfit change, one bath, like.

And now he and I are so connected and he's like, mama, mama. And he gives me the best hugs and he's so funny. And I just feel like I know him so well. I know what he needs, but that took a lot of time. And that's where people have to give themselves grace. Like that took a while. And that's where I would have benefited from having a doula. I didn't really, at the time I was like, I don't need a doula. No, I really did. And I, I needed

My mother-in-law is amazing and she gives me like the greatest help and the greatest support. But I think the doula would have kind of taken over for my mom's role where like she, could have filled that void that I didn't have. So it just, it took a lot of time, but now I'm just in like such a great rhythm with Mickey. We have play dates and he goes to this thing called first steps where he gets to hang out with other kids and.

I know I try to get them to be social and have fun and I am enjoying it so much.

Chelsea Myers (1:09:26)
Yeah, it's, I mean, it's so cool to see. He is the sweetest. I love getting to see your little adventures. And it

Sarah Savage (1:09:35)
Thank

Chelsea Myers (1:09:35)
speaks to the moms out there who may be struggling right now that A, like we always say, it doesn't mean that you are not fit to be a mother. It doesn't mean that you don't love your child. It also means that there's another side.

Sarah Savage (1:09:50)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:09:51)
The way that you're feeling right now.

if you're in a very, very dark place, is not forever. It feels like forever.

Sarah Savage (1:09:58)
Mm-hmm. It feels

like forever. I used to not believe it when people would say, postpartum depression doesn't last forever. Like, you will get through this. And I'd be like, I am stuck here forever. Life will never get

Chelsea Myers (1:10:11)
Yeah.

Sarah Savage (1:10:11)
better. But it does. It does get better. And that's

Chelsea Myers (1:10:14)
It does.

Sarah Savage (1:10:15)
why knowing other people that have been through similar things, had I had that support sooner, I think I would have done so much better. I didn't get educated enough about

Hey, here's PSI or hey, why don't you go on Instagram and find other people that have postpartum depression or postpartum psychosis? Like, I just like thought like no one else has experienced this. It's just me. And I just was in my isolation bubble for a long time. And now like, there's so many like, I talked to you and so many other people that have gone through it. And I check in with them on the weekly and it's like, Hey, how you doing? And like, we can talk about

the good, the bad, and the ugly, and all the in-between.

Chelsea Myers (1:10:58)
Yeah, yeah. And you, I mean, and you've spoken on panels for PSI and you,

Sarah Savage (1:11:04)
Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (1:11:05)
yeah, you are a badass advocate and you are still so fresh and you are still

Sarah Savage (1:11:12)
So fresh.

Chelsea Myers (1:11:13)
so fresh. Like, I don't think a lot of people realize that A,

you can advocate for yourself and you can advocate for others. You don't have to be 100 % healed. I don't know if we ever will be 100 % healed. don't think

Sarah Savage (1:11:28)
I know.

Chelsea Myers (1:11:30)
that's a thing, but you can make an impact just by sharing your story, number one.

Sarah Savage (1:11:37)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:11:37)
making those connections is beneficial to you and to the person that you're connecting with. And it's a journey. And I love that you frame it that way. I love that every day

Sarah Savage (1:11:47)
It is a journey.

Chelsea Myers (1:11:48)
with you is like another step in the journey,

Sarah Savage (1:11:50)
Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (1:11:51)
because it reminds me it's like, just because I'm having a bad day or a bad moment. Like, first of all, Sarah's dancing in her kitchen. So there's there's a glimmer. That's a glimmer. Second of all,

I don't know if I share joy with all of you guys, everybody that connects with me, I share your joy. I hope that's okay. I'm

Sarah Savage (1:12:11)
I love that.

Chelsea Myers (1:12:12)
stealing little bits of your joy. I'm sorry. And I'm taking them for me.

Sarah Savage (1:12:15)
No, I love that.

Chelsea Myers (1:12:19)
my gosh, you guys are all my glimmers, but you especially you are like you I share with, we share Adam Sandler memes because I say I

Sarah Savage (1:12:28)
Yes, we do.

Chelsea Myers (1:12:29)
am Adam Sandler chic.

Sarah Savage (1:12:31)
Heck yeah

you are.

Chelsea Myers (1:12:33)
Yes!

so, the message that I'm trying to get across and that you said so beautifully is...

What I say vulnerability is strength. And

Sarah Savage (1:12:44)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:12:44)
when you've gone through the types of things that you've gone through, I feel like all that's left is vulnerability. At the

Sarah Savage (1:12:51)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:12:52)
end of the day, you're like, what else do I have to lose? And in those moments, some of the greatest connections are made and some of the brightest glimmers present themselves.

Sarah Savage (1:13:02)
Yes, that's so true.

Chelsea Myers (1:13:05)
Right? And you are absolutely

a glimmer in my life and I am so

Sarah Savage (1:13:11)
Thank you.

Chelsea Myers (1:13:12)
glad that we connected. I'm grateful for the advocacy that you're doing every day and the just genuine authenticity that you bring to the world.

Sarah Savage (1:13:24)
Thank

you. This means so much.

Chelsea Myers (1:13:27)
no, I, and I truly, truly mean it. there are so many things that I want to talk more with you about. So this

Sarah Savage (1:13:35)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:13:35)
is an open invitation for you to come back whenever you would like.

Sarah Savage (1:13:40)
I would love that. There's so much I didn't touch on, like,

Chelsea Myers (1:13:43)
Yeah.

Sarah Savage (1:13:44)
especially the psych unit stay. my goodness. Like, we could have conversations.

Chelsea Myers (1:13:49)
Well, and I've been, could,

I would love to, and I've been doing my mini series on my psych inpatient

Sarah Savage (1:13:58)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:13:58)
stays. By the time this airs, that should be wrapped up. But it would be really, really meaningful to me to be able to talk to someone else who has gone through that experience.

Sarah Savage (1:14:12)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:14:13)
and have an open dialogue because I think there are conversations that you have in a psych unit or with people who have been in a psych unit that you just can't have with anybody else. Yeah. So like.

Sarah Savage (1:14:23)
Yeah, no, that's so true. Unless if you've

gone through it, you really don't understand what it's like until you've been in a psych unit. Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (1:14:34)
Yeah, and it is

it is like an alternate reality. Where anything goes kind of like it's interesting. So the things you see the things you hear the

Sarah Savage (1:14:41)
Yeah. the thing, the things you see. like, things you hear.

Chelsea Myers (1:14:49)
yeah. yes, I would absolutely

Sarah Savage (1:14:51)
Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (1:14:52)
love to have you back and we can talk about that more outside of recording but

I want to acknowledge that there is so much complexity to your story and that we

Sarah Savage (1:15:00)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:15:01)
weren't able to touch on all of it today. But

Sarah Savage (1:15:03)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:15:04)
I so appreciate you sharing. I appreciate you trusting this space and spending some of your Saturday morning with me. I really appreciate

Sarah Savage (1:15:14)
Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (1:15:15)
that.

if people would like to follow your journey where is the best place for them to find you?

Sarah Savage (1:15:21)
Yes, on Instagram, Sarah.is.savage. And my name is Sarah Savage. I'm not just like making that because I'm like trying

Chelsea Myers (1:15:28)
You

Sarah Savage (1:15:29)
to be savage. just, my name is Sarah Savage.

Chelsea Myers (1:15:33)
It's so

appropriate, though. Like, I love it so much. And I did have to do a double take. I was like, her last name is definitely Savage, right? Yeah, it is. It is.

Sarah Savage (1:15:40)
Hahaha!

Chelsea Myers (1:15:41)
I was like, because it's so appropriate. I love it. Like,

Sarah Savage (1:15:43)
Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (1:15:44)
I'm just getting like the finger snaps and the but

Sarah Savage (1:15:46)
huh.

Chelsea Myers (1:15:47)
so that'll be in the show notes. And I highly recommend listeners that you get on Instagram and follow Sarah for some joy for some information for some resources and just general like laughs and

Sarah Savage (1:15:58)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:15:58)
good times.

So I'm ending my episodes with asking my guests to put yourself back in a time before cell phones, before we were able to be reached immediately. You called into Quiet Connection today. And my next guest, you don't know who they are, you don't know what their story is, but they weren't here to answer the call.

Sarah Savage (1:16:21)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:16:21)
So

you're going to leave them a message. That can be a message tied to your story, a message of just something you want them to hold on to. You can interpret it however you want. But for my next guest, what message would you like to leave for them?

Sarah Savage (1:16:37)
I just want to say that I love you. think you're awesome. I admire your strength. Thank you for your vulnerability and you're doing amazing things and keep doing it.

Chelsea Myers (1:16:49)
I love that. That is so on brand for Sarah.

Sarah Savage (1:16:51)
I'm on brand for saying that.

Chelsea Myers (1:16:55)
And I don't, I never get the same answer twice. Like everybody interprets it so differently. So it's so cool. I love that so Sarah, thank you. Thank you for rolling with the punches. Thank you for dealing with the technical difficulties and just thank you for what you are bringing to the world because we need more of it.

Sarah Savage (1:17:17)
Thank you, Chelsea. You have been wonderful and I love you,

Chelsea Myers (1:17:22)
I love you too. my gosh.