Randi-Lee B - Balancing the Highs and Lows of ASD & Mental Health

This week, I’m chatting with Randi-Lee Bowslaugh, a mom, grandma, author, and advocate for mental health. She shares her experiences and challenges as a parent of a child with autism. She highlights the need to balance challenges and successes and the role of humor in dealing with stress and trauma.

Randi-Lee's Books:

A Mother's Truth

Goodbye Too Soon

Woofie's Hospital Trip

Operation Deck The Halls

Instagram

Website

Takeaways

• Having a strong support system is crucial for navigating motherhood, especially as a special needs mom.
• Finding a community of parents who have similar experiences can provide valuable support and guidance.
• Advocating for your child's needs and seeking appropriate diagnoses and treatments is essential.
• Online learning can be beneficial for children with special needs, as it allows for individualized support and flexibility. Advocate for individualized education and support for your child with special needs.
• Build a supportive community of parents facing similar challenges.
• Communicate effectively with schools and establish positive relationships with administrators.
• Grieve the loss of expectations and find ways to balance self-care and meeting sensory needs. Special needs parenting can be challenging and overwhelming, but it's important to remember that you are not a failure.
• The journey of special needs parenting is filled with ups and downs, and it takes time to find a sense of balance.
• It's crucial to find humor in stressful situations.

Transcript

Chelsea (00:04.494)
Hello! Today I'm here with Randy Lee. How are you?

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (00:09.678)
Good, how are you?

Chelsea (00:11.695)
I'm pretty good. It's the end of the day, so I'm a little fried. But you know, that's how we roll.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (00:18.946)
You're fried on Friday. Ha ha ha.

Chelsea (00:20.778)
I'm fried on a Friday and I'm having pork fried rice for dinner for real. So, yep.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (00:26.97)
Oh, look at you going all in with the fry.

Chelsea (00:31.31)
I am I'm just embracing the fry. Um, Randy Lee, you are a mom, you are a grandma, you are an author. Um, you are a busy, busy person. You're a kickboxer. Or are you were a kickboxer? Well, yeah, I mean, holy, wow, you do it all.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (00:34.717)
I like it.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (00:51.743)
I don't do it as much anymore.

Chelsea (00:59.066)
And you're an advocate for mental health, which is amazing. So we appreciate you having, we appreciate having you here. See, I can't even talk. It is, it is.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:08.79)
That's okay, because it's Friday. I don't know what day everyone else is listening on. But right now is Friday.

Chelsea (01:17.306)
Yeah, right now it's Friday and it's 5pm and this mom has heard her name about 10 million times and she's ready for this. It's nice to speak to another adult human being.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:35.47)
Being an adult, that's so sweet.

Chelsea (01:39.73)
I don't know, like, I never, I still don't feel like an adult. So I don't know if that ever happens, but...

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:43.894)
Right? No, not at all.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:48.274)
I mean, we age, but do we have to feel like it? Nah.

Chelsea (01:51.354)
Well, yep. Do you still look for the adult in the room? Because I do. Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:56.378)
Right? Exactly. And like, when you go to these, oh, only the kids can play on this thing. I'm like, dude, but I want a bubble gun too. Like, come on.

Chelsea (02:05.29)
Yes, yes. Oh my gosh. We're gonna we're gonna fall down a rabbit hole if I don't if I don't try to steer the ship a little bit, but why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself? And then I always like to add in who were you before you became a mom and a grandma?

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (02:27.61)
Oh, that's a good question right there. So you've kind of already said who I am. So my name is Randee Lee Boeswa. I live in Canada. I got two kids and the older one has the sweetest little baby ever. I say baby, but he is a big boy as he likes to remind me because he is four. Yeah.

Chelsea (02:30.622)
Mm.

Chelsea (02:33.855)
I'm sorry.

Chelsea (02:51.077)
Oh, yeah, yeah. He's I mean, that is that is the big like they think they're big kids. Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (02:59.114)
Right, exactly. I have four cats and three dogs, a husband, and I write lots of books. And I have my own YouTube channel too.

Chelsea (03:10.647)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (03:15.158)
Yeah, you do. Like I said, you're crazy busy. I don't know how you do it all.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (03:20.527)
Um, I just it's fun to do so that I guess that's just my hobbies. I don't have I don't have other hobbies. This is just my hobbies.

Chelsea (03:25.855)
Yeah, that's great!

Chelsea (03:31.128)
I love it. I love it. Who were you before you were mom?

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (03:36.758)
Before I was mom, so I had I had my kid at 19. So before I was mom, I was a teenager So I don't even know who I was because when you're a teenager you're just trying to figure it out. Um Yeah, so I was a high school graduate. I did graduate before I had him. Um, I Was just I was a lost kind of person I would say As a teenager, I was pretty depressed. So before I had him. Yeah life was

Chelsea (03:43.114)
Ha ha

Chelsea (03:48.49)
Yeah.

Chelsea (03:59.968)
Mm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (04:06.89)
Life was not so good.

Chelsea (04:09.707)
No. So you had you have a little bit of a history with mental health.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (04:14.53)
Definitely. So I have been dealing with my own depression since I was probably about 13, 14 years old. In the beginning of this year, I was also diagnosed with PTSD, which we did a lot of work through that. So that's much lower on the scale now. Not that this isn't mental health. But a few years ago, I was diagnosed with autism and my youngest has it as well. And that's when it made me realize, oh, huh, we'll make the rest of my life make sense now.

Chelsea (04:30.776)
Hmm.

Chelsea (04:43.894)
Doesn't, isn't that funny how that works? Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (04:44.318)
of, right? Yeah, yeah, it was pretty awesome. I forgot the question, but yeah, I've definitely had, oh, I've definitely had some history with mental health.

Chelsea (04:53.552)
It's okay.

Chelsea (04:59.172)
That see it okay we are leaning into this fried Friday thing. We really are. Oh my gosh. Um, I was just talking to somebody else recently who was diagnosed with the aunt who was diagnosed on the autism spectrum later in life and had this like aha moment like, oh, this makes so much more sense now. Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (05:03.833)
Yes, 100%. We got this.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (05:22.732)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (05:24.918)
Did you get your diagnosis before your child got their diagnosis? Oh, right, did you say it was recent, right? Okay.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (05:29.314)
No, after quite a few years after actually. Yes, yeah. So he was diagnosed 11 years ago now, it sounds like. Yeah, something like that. And it was only about two or three years ago that I was diagnosed and it's actually funny. So as I'm researching, you know, when he was diagnosed, as I'm researching all of these things and I go, huh, yeah, okay. And I used to always say to people,

Chelsea (05:39.125)
Okay.

Chelsea (05:42.446)
I'm sorry.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (05:58.67)
Well, he's that's just what he's just like his mom like it's fine. He's like his mom. Why are you saying? It's weird No, it's just like me. It's fine I'm not putting two and two together, of course And then the one day I come out of my room and I'm doing this weird little dance thing to music that only I can hear He looks at me and he goes mom if I have autism so do you and just goes back to what he's doing and I went Me maybe this is something we should explore a little more

Chelsea (06:01.996)
Yeah!

Chelsea (06:05.678)
Thanks for watching!

Chelsea (06:14.51)
I'm gonna go.

Chelsea (06:27.442)
Yeah, how did that sort of impact you? Was it something that you were like, okay, yeah, let's look into this? Or were you like, no, not me.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (06:37.99)
Oh no, as soon as he said it, I was like, yeah, that makes a lot of sense actually. And I had been kind of thinking about it for a while, whether it was autism or ADHD or whatever, and, you know, doing those little online quizzes and I always scored up there. And so, yeah, it just, it made sense. And then finally having like the doctor diagnosis and actually say it was a real thing was, yeah, it was just that, ah, it makes sense.

Chelsea (06:46.028)
Yeah.

Chelsea (06:50.275)
Yep. Yep, yep, yep.

Chelsea (07:03.274)
like validating.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (07:05.115)
Yes, that is the perfect word for it. Validating.

Chelsea (07:07.73)
Yeah, yeah, I think that's, I think that's awesome. I think that's so awesome that you sort of went with it and figured it out and that it was able to be validating for you and that sort of like, let the air out moment. That's so cool.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (07:22.634)
Yeah, I can remember people would say to my mom, Oh, you spoil her too much. She's and it had nothing to do with it. I was having sensory overload issues on a regular basis that people were saying it was because I was spoiled like dudes. No, that's not.

Chelsea (07:35.478)
Hmm. No. I say this every time I talk to an autism mama or someone on the autism spectrum. It's a weird way to say it, but ASD has this big spot in my heart. I am a special educator, but I worked with kiddos with low incidence disabilities and most primarily with kids on the autism spectrum.

So I think autism, I don't want to downplay at all the challenges and the struggles that come along with it. I just think it's so beautiful too. It's a beautiful way to experience the world when you can figure out how to navigate it, if that makes sense.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (08:23.022)
Yes, that's actually, I think that's a nice way to put it. When you can figure out how to navigate it, because prior to that, oh my goodness, it's just like an uphill battle. Like you're just pushing that big boulder up the hill and getting absolutely nowhere.

Chelsea (08:37.618)
Oh no, I lost you. I lost you for a second. Aaaaaah!

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (08:41.328)
I think it might have been I hit my cord.

Chelsea (08:44.522)
Oh, it's okay. I got you back. I got you back. Cool. Okay.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (08:47.458)
But yeah, it's almost like before you can figure out navigating it, it's like you're pushing this big boulder up a hill, getting absolutely nowhere, and nobody is helping you. They're all just walking by going, you can do better than that. Come on. And it's so frustrating. But as soon as you figure out, hey, if I, I don't know, use this big, like going back to the analogy of the boulder, like use this big machine to help me push it up, it's you figure out how to navigate it. That's the same thing with figuring out the coping strategies or...

Chelsea (08:59.893)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (09:15.574)
figuring out what your triggers are or whatever to help you. And it's just, it's amazing.

Chelsea (09:20.286)
Yeah, yeah. And I loved being able to be a part of that for the kiddos that I worked with. But this is not about me. I could go on about this forever. But, anywho, why don't we talk a little bit about your journey into motherhood and how that came to be? So I ask everybody, did you always envision yourself being a mom?

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (09:50.706)
Not always, like I used to like playing house and stuff and of course I always had a baby but it was never like I'm gonna have kids. It was like if I have kids I might as well have lots of kids which I didn't and thank goodness but like when I was younger because if I'm gonna wreck my body I might as well do it a lot and then or not at all like it was one or the other so I didn't care either way um and I'm glad that I didn't have a whole bunch because once you become a mom it's like I love

Chelsea (09:58.686)
Yeah.

Chelsea (10:04.226)
Heheheheheheh

I'm sorry.

Chelsea (10:10.963)
Yeah!

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (10:20.246)
the kids. Don't get me wrong. But...

Chelsea (10:26.634)
Yes, yes they can. And that's called real life.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (10:27.813)
Ha ha

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (10:33.427)
Yep, and if you can't admit it, well, you're living in denial.

Chelsea (10:37.554)
Yeah, I mean, I don't, I don't, I think for some people, maybe it comes a little easier. I don't, I don't understand those people. I don't understand it. But it's just like, I don't understand rocket science either. So like, yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (10:46.087)
Oh, for sure!

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (10:50.381)
There.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (10:54.506)
right? But at some point hearing mom for the 50th time, it's gonna be annoying no matter how much you adore them. So at some point, no matter what your struggles are, or our differences are, at some point, I think we can all agree. Just just shh, no more mom.

Chelsea (11:01.964)
Yes.

Chelsea (11:11.394)
Just please, quiet game, playing the quiet game. You can't play the quiet game with a one-year-old. No, I waited and waited and waited for her to say mama and now it's all she says all day. Like, yes, Avery, yes. No, no, no. Okay, sorry, back to you. What was your journey into motherhood like?

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (11:17.299)
No, they don't get that.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (11:27.44)
Well, you can't have it both ways when they're that little.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (11:40.09)
Um tumultuous. That's a good word. Tumultuous. So I mean, I got pregnant at 18 and I'm at 19. So it definitely was not part of the plan. Um, but I would never change it now, but definitely at the time it was not part of the plan. So it was very like, what am I going to do with the rest of my life? Because now I'm a mom and all I have is a high school. I did go to college when he was a baby.

Chelsea (11:42.951)
Yeah.

Chelsea (11:50.303)
Mm-hmm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (12:09.894)
My husband and I have been together since I was six months old, so like, it wasn't a bad thing, but it was definitely not part of the plan and very tumultuous to get through it. The labor though, that was so easy. People are so jealous of that part.

Chelsea (12:15.202)
Yeah.

Chelsea (12:25.692)
Yeah, oh, that's wonderful. Yeah, tell me about that. I'd love to know what that's like.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (12:28.294)
I'm sorry.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (12:32.882)
Um, it's like falling asleep in between contractions and then waking up and going, where's my lunch? I'm so hungry Yeah

Chelsea (12:40.11)
Oh my god! So that was that was the easiest part of Yeah and And he he's your oldest. He is He's not or sorry. He's the youngest He's the youngest I'm all confused now Yes

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (12:45.31)
It really was. It totally was.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (12:52.391)
He's the youngest.

Yes. So he's the youngest, he's 17. So, okay, so my husband's is, well, she'll be 20 at the end of the month. And she is the one that has my grandson, who is four. And then mine is 17 and a big old paint-a-mob, but.

Chelsea (13:05.327)
Okay.

Chelsea (13:09.182)
Okay.

Chelsea (13:16.796)
Oh my gosh, okay, now I've got it straight. For a second I was like, how does time work? You have to, yes, got it now. Now I'm clear. So when you said you met your husband when your son was six months old?

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (13:22.85)
Mm-mm. Yeah. Yes.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (13:33.23)
Well, we had met before that, but yeah, we got together when he was about six months old.

Chelsea (13:37.166)
Yes, um, what sort of support system did you have back then?

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (13:42.898)
Um, so when he was first born, I moved back in with my mom. So the first about year or so I lived with my mom and that was a huge help. Um, especially since at the time I still slept like a rock. So now I don't now every little thing wakes me up, you know, the mom sleep. Um, and so she was a really big help. Uh, my aunt, even when I was pregnant, I stayed at the aunt's house for a while.

Chelsea (13:56.522)
Mmmm

Chelsea (13:59.658)
Hahahaha

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (14:11.27)
And so that was a really big help. Those were probably the biggest, my godmother, she drove me to my appointments, make sure I got to the doctor. Yeah, I would say those were probably the biggest people in those very early years. And then my husband definitely took on, I mean, not right away, obviously, cause you don't wanna do that.

Chelsea (14:27.)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (14:34.25)
immediately, but it didn't take long for him to realize, well, you're not going anywhere. So he was a really big help too.

Chelsea (14:35.342)
Ha ha ha!

Chelsea (14:38.834)
Yeah!

Chelsea (14:42.966)
That's good, that's so good that you had such a strong support system.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (14:47.035)
It definitely makes things a heck of a lot easier when you have

Chelsea (14:50.506)
Yeah, that's kind of our whole thing on Quiet Connection is making sure that we have a village, and if you don't have one that we build one, because holy crap, does it make everything about ten thousand, bless you, times harder!

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (15:09.602)
Thanks. Yeah, it takes a village to raise a kid. And as much as some people, there's this thought that goes around sometimes, not for everybody, but you'll hear about, oh, don't say that to my kid, or don't tell my kid what to do. Well, it really takes a village to raise a kid. And so obviously, there is lines that you don't want to cross over that are parents kind of job. But at the same time, it takes.

a whole village like you can use other people's experiences, what has worked, what hasn't might work for yours, it might not, but at least having those options, those choices can give you a whole array of things to try, potentially fail, but at least try.

Chelsea (15:50.956)
Yeah.

Chelsea (15:54.654)
Yeah. And like you said, it's still you still have boundaries and you can still stick to those boundaries. But having the connection with especially other birth givers in your life who have had that experience to just bounce ideas off of makes all the difference in the world.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (16:14.45)
Exactly. Especially having a special needs kid. I had no idea. I haven't dealt with any of that. So finding a community and saying, Hey, what the heck is happening? Has anyone else ever experienced this? And then you'll have people go, Oh, yeah, this is what happened. Or, you know, you need to go apply for this funding or ask for these supports at the school. Like other people have been there, done that. And sometimes it can be really, really hard to actually step out of your comfort zone and

Chelsea (16:20.212)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (16:44.87)
I'm failing as a mom right now, help me. And it's not to say that you are, but it's a feeling that we get. I definitely, you know, I've been there. So I'm gonna, I'm not saying it's you, whoever's listening, we, I think we've all been there at some point. I'm failing as a mom, help me, I'm drowning. I don't know what to do. It's hard to do that. But when you can find your community that does not judge you and is like, dude, I've been there. Like, okay, let me take you through what I did.

Chelsea (16:47.915)
Hmm.

Chelsea (16:51.763)
Yup.

Chelsea (16:57.912)
Yeah.

Chelsea (17:05.1)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (17:13.87)
and it can make a world of difference.

Chelsea (17:16.69)
Yeah, that's one of the reasons I was excited to have you on as a guest because you do you have this experience as a special needs mom and now knowing that you also experience ASD um you for listeners who aren't watching the podcast right now. She just did the cute little shrug like yeah that's me.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (17:41.219)
I'm very animated guys. If you're if you aren't watching the video version of this, I highly suggest you do I'm just a very animated individual

Chelsea (17:43.175)
Yes!

Chelsea (17:47.21)
Hahaha

Chelsea (17:51.702)
It's definitely enhancing the experience. So, um, get to our YouTube channel listeners and watch the podcast. I have yet to say that. So you, you're my first one. Well, because listen, I'll have to edit this part out or maybe I won't. I don't know. We haven't done video up until now. So this will be season three and season three is all video. So I'm not used to saying like and subscribe.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (17:58.782)
and hit that like and subscribe button. I got you, I got you.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (18:20.367)
Like and subscribe!

Chelsea (18:20.454)
My eight-year-old says it. My eight-year-old's in her- my eight-year-old will be in her bedroom watching Minecraft videos and be like, don't forget to like and subscribe!

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (18:29.654)
That's right, hit that like and subscribe button, hit that little bell for the notifications because you never want to miss an episode.

Chelsea (18:35.783)
All right, Randy, I'm taking a... Is it okay if I call you Randy or do you like Randy Lee? Okay. I'm... Okay. I'm clipping that audio and it's going to be you on my own, on my episodes.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (18:39.026)
Oh yeah, I have absolutely no preference.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (18:48.002)
Totally, totally fine with me.

Chelsea (18:50.702)
I love it! Oh my god. Okay, I needed this. I needed to laugh. I don't even remember what... Yeah, thank you! So yeah, I was excited to have you on because we have members of our support group who have littles who are just barely going through the diagnosis process and who are or are curious and

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (18:55.702)
I'm glad I could help you with that.

Chelsea (19:16.998)
it's so nice to be able to talk to somebody who has been through it. And like you said, you were able to find that community and I want to get into that too. But I'm just I'm just yeah I'm excited to have you. I needed

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (19:26.219)
Yes.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (19:31.246)
Excited to be here. And if you don't rate me in, we will be totally off on tangents, so. Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (19:37.17)
I am getting that impression and it's hard because I'm the same way. I have a really hard time staying on track. So this is going to be an interesting episode. Listeners strap in. I don't know where this is going. I'm going to try to stick to my notes. Yeah. I mean, listen, I've got y'all know me at this point. I've got my mental health issues. But squirrel brain is kind of.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (19:52.322)
You're in for a bumpy ride.

Chelsea (20:06.302)
right up there. I do not have ADHD, despite what TikTok tries to tell me, but I do have squirrel brain. So we're gonna we're gonna figure this out though. So you had you had your son and you had your community. What was that sort of like navigating as also a teen? Did you...

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (20:11.862)
Ha!

Chelsea (20:34.678)
Did you sort of have an identity shift at all? Or like, what did that look like?

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (20:40.834)
So as far as identity, I don't think there was a big shift because I don't think that I had found one yet. So without having found one, you can't really shift out of it. So I think just as I was growing and learning and college was a huge part of this, and I tell everybody, you know, even if you don't end up working in the field that you went to college for, like I'm not, college itself can be such a great experience. Now,

Chelsea (20:47.428)
Mm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (21:06.334)
I am not saying go and spend thousands of dollars on something you're never going to use either, there's got to be a balance, but finding something that just helps you kind of figure out who you are and finding your voice is really helpful. So college was awesome. During that time, my kid was in daycare. He was hitting milestones, but he was still a little bit off. And so as he got older, he got into...

Chelsea (21:19.968)
Mm-hmm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (21:36.51)
elementary school and things were a little bit off. I didn't think much of it, though, because again, I kept saying, well, he's just like his mom, like, what's the big deal? Right. So not putting anything together yet. So it wasn't actually until grade three that it got so out of hand that the school was calling me and saying, you got to come pick him up. Like he we don't know what to do. You got to come pick him up. And I'm like, what? OK, I'll go come pick him up.

Chelsea (21:46.538)
Yeah.

Chelsea (21:58.926)
Wow.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (22:03.902)
So I went, I'd pick him up, and there'd be times that like, I remember the first time that I really saw a bad meltdown. Like I'm talking violent, bad meltdown. So he was in the principal's office. I go in and he has absolutely no words. He's like growling and trying to headbutt me. And I'm just like, oh my gosh. It was like, like a demon possessed. Like honestly.

Chelsea (22:14.915)
Mm.

Chelsea (22:28.144)
Wow.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (22:30.37)
And so eventually got him to calm down and took him home, whatever, no idea what's happening yet. And we finally get into the doctor. The doctor says, you know what, I think you need to go talk to a child psychiatrist. And luckily in the doctor's office that he was at, which was my husband's family doctor, they have or had, they don't anymore, they had a child psychiatrist on staff there because they can actually be really hard to get into like really long wait lists.

Chelsea (22:37.387)
Yeah.

Chelsea (22:57.097)
Oh nice.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (23:00.674)
So luckily we were able to do that. First she diagnosis ADHD. Then on top of that sensory integration disorder. On top of that mood dysregulation disorder. On top of that, I don't know, there was a bunch of other ones. Really it was just, they really don't like using the autism label until they have to, I guess.

Chelsea (23:00.878)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (23:06.487)
Mm.

Chelsea (23:25.098)
Yeah, that just seems so counterintuitive to throw a bunch of separate diagnoses that encompass ASD, but...

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (23:32.098)
right? If you're hitting all of these things, why wouldn't you just say it's this one thing, all encompassing. So with the with the first diagnosis with ADHD, we did try on ADHD meds, which can be fabulous for people like on my show, because we're talking about mental health with other people. Those that have ADHD, and have used the medication and found the right one, they say it makes a world of difference.

Chelsea (23:37.458)
Yeah.

Chelsea (23:59.011)
Mm-hmm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (24:00.538)
it was autism not ADHD and they can be comorbid but in this case it was not it made him so much worse so much more withdrawn from the world and just growls so many growls so it was like okay well we're stopping this obviously so once we finally got to the autism diagnosis and that was through a lot of

Chelsea (24:08.846)
Mmm.

Chelsea (24:19.127)
Yeah.

Chelsea (24:23.455)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (24:28.866)
going back and forth with appointments and saying, okay, well, this is how he's acting during these situations and literally writing down every little incident that happened. Like if you're worried that your kid has something, write down everything, everything. I have notebooks just filled. And then finally, the teacher also had to fill out a bunch of stuff and it wasn't until the teacher finally wrote in their letter that

Chelsea (24:44.478)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (24:57.954)
during recess, because he, like I said, he'd hit all these other things, but there was just this one little part missing for them to do it. That during recess, instead of playing with the other kids, he played beside the other kids. So it's called parallel play. And it is much more what like a toddler would do than an eight year old. So that was kind of the big kind of flashing light going off. So the doctor could finally say, you know what?

Chelsea (25:11.918)
Mm-hmm. Yep.

Chelsea (25:18.327)
Mm-hmm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (25:28.046)
I think we're dealing with autism here. I'm like, yeah, okay, we have an answer. Let's move in this direction. And once we did, it opened up a lot. Like the school had to, mind you, the school is just a headache all on its own, but the school finally had to recognize that it wasn't my kid just being bad, that there was an actual issue happening. There was an actual medical problem that had to be dealt with. And so...

Chelsea (25:30.067)
Yeah.

Chelsea (25:42.966)
Hehehehe

Chelsea (25:48.782)
Mm-hmm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (25:58.158)
I mean, we can probably talk for a whole hour on school issues, but to gloss it over, the school couldn't handle him and kept putting him in different classes. And the problem with that is people with autism, we love routine. We have to get... Yes. And so if you are constantly switching a child from a class to a class to a class, completely different schools even, they are never going to get comfortable enough to then get to a routine.

Chelsea (26:01.642)
Hehe

Chelsea (26:07.787)
Oh.

Chelsea (26:12.558)
Yes, consistency is key!

Chelsea (26:23.082)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (26:28.178)
And so it killed him really, his school spirit. Like he liked going to school other than when we were dealing with bullies. But again, whole other issue. But when they just kept pushing him to different schools and at the time I was like, okay, well, the school knows best. The school knows best. Eventually I realized, oh no, they don't. The school does what they want to make their life easier.

Chelsea (26:39.786)
Yeah.

Chelsea (26:51.539)
Yeah.

Chelsea (26:55.329)
Mmm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (26:56.018)
And that's when I started going, all right, I need to do a lot more research, reach out to my community and start saying to the school, no, I'm not going to come pick them up. Are you suspending him? Never pick your kid up unless they are suspending them. Because then there is a paper trail that the school can be held accountable for. Because every time they do a suspension, at least here where I am, every time they do a suspension, it goes to the school board. Like they have to be accountable for every time they do that.

Chelsea (27:05.55)
Mmm.

Chelsea (27:13.358)
Mm-hmm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (27:22.798)
And it was through having all of this documentation and paperwork that he finally got to go, this is now grade seven, he got into CPRI, which is like an inpatient facility. So he lived there for three months, he came home on the weekends, and they were able to actually get him comfortable. They would see a speech therapist, occupational therapist, psychiatrist, like,

Chelsea (27:39.373)
Okay.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (27:51.622)
All of these people were right there at his fingertips. He made friends with the other people that were on his ward. Like it was a good experience. It was definitely scary at first, even as a parent. I was scared. Very, very scary, very hard decision, but absolute best decision because they were able to finally get him to a point where he could recognize in himself that he wanted to try medication again. Totally different medications than he had tried in the past. And he actually is on one that is working really well to help.

Chelsea (28:00.99)
Yeah, I was gonna ask.

Chelsea (28:15.153)
Mm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (28:20.99)
stabilize his moods anyways. But then able to say, Hey, yeah, you do have a little bit of speech issues. Maybe we can work on that now. Cognitively, he tested as a like average IQ. But the reading and writing was lower. And he actually has a learning disability and reading and writing. Whereas every time I would ask the school to do a psycho educational evaluation.

Chelsea (28:22.99)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (28:44.355)
Mmm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (28:48.838)
They just say, oh, he's too dysregulated. And when he was finally regulated in school, they said, oh, well, he's doing well now.

Chelsea (28:57.07)
Oh, yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (28:58.09)
Right? Like they just didn't want to do it, is what it came down to. And so when CPRI was finally able to do that, we went, oh, that's why every time they ask him to write something, he has a freak out. Because not only does he have a reading and writing learning disability, but on the occupational side, he has fine motor issues. So even though, cause he's an artist, even though he would draw and draw and draw, he wouldn't...

Chelsea (29:21.066)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (29:27.022)
use his hands and fingers the way that we do. So if you imagine yourself holding a pen, right, and imagine how you write, you write with your fingers, you're moving your fingers as you go. That's not how he was doing it. He was using his whole arm to do it. It's exhausting, absolutely exhausting to have to write paragraph upon paragraph for a school assignment. Right? So there was no wonder that he was having these issues at school.

Chelsea (29:41.706)
His whole... Yup.

Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (29:51.051)
Yeah!

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (29:56.834)
but the school just didn't wanna recognize any of it or do any of the work that was needed to be done in order to figure these things out. So CPRI was amazing. Definitely came out, yes, definitely came out a different kid. Not to say that it's been completely smooth sailing, but a lot better because he recognized a lot of things in himself. We were able to have information that we didn't have before to better help him. And so that was really good.

Chelsea (30:06.73)
Yeah, it sounds like it.

Chelsea (30:14.684)
I'm sorry.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (30:27.222)
in grade eight, that's actually when COVID hit. So he was in a small transitional class because this class was in the high school that he would be going to, so it was like a nice way to get them used to the school. So he went a little bit, again getting out of the house, huge issues for him. And so when COVID hit it actually was wonderful. It was amazing.

Chelsea (30:30.467)
Hmm.

Chelsea (30:53.194)
Oh wow.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (30:54.538)
because all schoolwork had to be done online and he excelled at it. He...

Chelsea (30:59.542)
that was how he that was his way. Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (31:02.522)
Yep. So as soon as the teacher started posting the stuff online, he was able, like, I would sit with him to do it, to keep him on track or explain something that came up that he was like, I don't know what's going on here. I'm like, oh, I got you. So it was, it was fantastic because he didn't have to be scared to go to school. The anxiety wasn't there anymore because anxiety is huge.

Chelsea (31:18.046)
Hehehehe

Chelsea (31:28.587)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (31:28.95)
So we didn't have to worry about any of that. And he feels more comfortable asking me for help than a teacher for help. Mind you, he really did like his teacher NEA at this class, which is saying a lot, cause we had some really bad ones. I think of all the, he's in grade 12 now, in all of the years of all of the teachers, three maybe were good. Yeah. Yes. So during COVID, yeah, he was doing really well.

Chelsea (31:35.263)
Mm.

Chelsea (31:45.388)
Yeah.

Chelsea (31:51.702)
Oh, that's so hard.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (31:57.27)
He actually got an award when he graduated grade eight, which yeah, that was that was the look on my face when they gave it to him. It was amazing. I've died. That's why I have to say it. I tell everybody it's just awesome. So they made this award because of this big transition to online learning and how difficult it was and whatever. And so he got an award for doing so well with online learning.

Chelsea (32:00.782)
Wow.

Chelsea (32:06.293)
How did that feel to you? How did that feel for you? Yeah.

Yeah!

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (32:25.302)
like to congratulate him that he worked so hard. And he wore that little medal so proudly. It's hanging in the living room. Oh yeah, it hangs up in the living room. So it worked out so well. So when he went into grade nine, COVID was still a thing. We stayed locked down for a very long time here. So when we transitioned over to grade nine, the teacher really pushed too for him to do online work, saying, you know, we have figured out this is what works. Keep doing it.

Chelsea (32:25.494)
Oh wow.

Chelsea (32:31.374)
I love that.

Chelsea (32:43.009)
Yeah.

Chelsea (32:53.904)
Oh good.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (32:55.906)
So grade nine, I mean, it was easy to do that because COVID was still around, everything was still online. Grade 10, 11 was a little bit trickier. He did try to go to school quite a bit in grade 10. Last year, not so much. After trying so hard in grade 10 and really, he went, he would go for maybe half a day for like two classes and

classes all of a sudden start at 8am and we had never been to school for 8am before so that wasn't so he never went to a period one he'd maybe go for period two and three and it just it was a lot to deal with um so last year this year he's been doing going back to all of his work online and he's gotten straight A's again

Chelsea (33:31.544)
Yeah.

Chelsea (33:40.426)
Oh no, I lost you again for a second. It's okay. Okay. Last year. So this year he's been doing.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (33:42.107)
Oh.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (33:47.326)
online again and it's been working so well. All online he's got like straight A's. It's pretty awesome. Yeah, I mean...

Chelsea (33:49.204)
all online.

Chelsea (33:54.814)
Oh, wow. Yeah, I think like what you said, like, that should have been like the light switch moment for the educators like, this is the route that works for him. I understand coming from the school system, I've been out of the public school system for almost two years now. But we're sort of I don't know what it's like in Canada. But

Here in the US, we are very limited in what we can choose to do for our students. We're limited by our school board, by our board of education for the state, all of those things, but like, wouldn't it just have been so nice to be like, oh, we figured out how this kid learns. Let's stick with that!

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (34:26.658)
Mm-hmm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (34:44.426)
right? And I mean, there's definitely a lot of limitations, but for some of it, I think it comes down to a couple things. But one major one is funding. So asses in seats. If your student is not physically at school, your funding is different. And so they're really pushing for that. There's also some teachers that think that you can't learn if you're not at school.

Chelsea (34:56.897)
Yeah.

Chelsea (35:12.588)
Mm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (35:12.662)
He actually, he dropped a class with this one teacher. He, cause this, he tried to go to school. This is a grade 10, he tried, did not work. And so we kept telling the teacher, you know, send the work home, go put it on, put it on the website. Cause they did have like an online platform to still use. And her response just kept going, well, most of our marks are class discussions. Why?

Chelsea (35:40.315)
Mm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (35:40.77)
He wouldn't talk while he was there anyways. So even if he attended, he'd still get his ear. Like this makes no sense to me. You're singling out kids that aren't comfortable talking in front of others, don't wanna share their opinions. That's not how real life works. And I just, it really bugged me because he was failing not because he wasn't academically able, he was failing because this teacher held a belief that you had to physically be in class.

Chelsea (35:43.326)
Yeah.

Chelsea (35:56.)
Right.

Chelsea (36:10.668)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (36:11.01)
So dropped that one.

Chelsea (36:13.614)
Yeah, sounds like that was a good decision. I just it hurts my heart to hear stories like that, like to hear situations like that. And it's not uncommon, which sucks so much. But the parents of children with special needs have to fight so hard for their kiddos. I also want to say coming from

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (36:26.811)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (36:39.238)
the special educator perspective and I can't speak for every special educator, but I know that like, we want to be able to do these things for your kids and we will like, we will go to the ends of the earth to make sure that they can get what they need. But like I said before, and without getting super into it, or burning bridges, we are so limited. We are so limited. And it sucks.

It sucks, especially for moms, dads, parents, caregivers, because you have to put on your mama bear suit and get mad.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (37:23.622)
Yeah, so last year talking about getting mad at the school last year, actually, we got a new so the vice principal that we had previously he was really good about going, okay, he tried coming to school it's not working that's fine. I'm going to tell the teachers know the work has to go home. So that one stinking teacher, she just would not listen. But he was really good about making sure that love could still do all of his work from home. He was really good advocate for us that way.

Chelsea (37:41.544)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (37:52.002)
He left and we got this new VP who, as I'm taught, like at the end of every school year, I call to prepare for next school year. And he was saying, well, you know, really he shouldn't have been allowed to do that the past three years. And I go, okay, well, it's been working. We have one more year left. I don't want it to change. And he goes, yeah, well, we can't. And I'm like, hey, I don't care what kind of paperwork you have to do or what kind of loopholes you have to figure out, but he's going to do his work at home.

Chelsea (38:11.187)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (38:21.666)
So figure it out, right? And then he had said, he had just kind of been like, didn't sound like he was being receptive. You know, once you get that feeling that somebody is just trying to brush you off, get you off the phone, I'm done with dealing with you, that's the vibes I was getting. So I actually said to him in a firm, but I hopefully not mean way, but I was like, I can tell we're gonna have a really bad relationship.

Chelsea (38:21.855)
Yeah.

Chelsea (38:37.482)
Yeah.

Chelsea (38:49.25)
Mm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (38:50.294)
because it's a lot harder when you don't get along with the administration at the school, right? You have to deal with them. And so he said that to him and he went, and his whole demeanor, his whole tone all changed. He was like, okay, you know what? Let me bring up the file. And all I'm thinking is for the past 20 minutes, you haven't brought up the file on your computer, which I know you're sitting in front of because you're on your office phone. Cool, cool.

Chelsea (38:56.942)
Yeah. Yep.

Chelsea (39:16.974)
Oh my god.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (39:18.262)
And I work in an office, I know that you don't continue a conversation with somebody without first bringing up their file, so that's cool. And so we brought it up and he goes, oh, okay, and he's looking, so he goes, so there is a few things that we can do. I'm like, oh, in my head I'm thinking, oh yeah, it's there now. Cause there was, five seconds ago there wasn't. But then he was talking about online courses and then also talking about this thing called supervised alternative learning.

Chelsea (39:23.254)
Yeah!

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (39:46.77)
And so I was like, yeah, let's do this. That is exactly what I was asking for. And you were telling me we couldn't do, but now magically you can do it because we were gonna have a bad relationship. So I feel like sometimes, again, they just are trying to do what's easiest for them and having to do all of that paperwork just isn't that easy, I guess. So you have to keep advocating, you have to keep pushing, keep researching. And that's why, again, going back to the very beginning of our conversation.

Chelsea (39:59.145)
Yeah.

Chelsea (40:04.037)
Mm.

Chelsea (40:08.898)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (40:16.69)
um having a community because I did not know about any of this stuff before I had to keep fighting and fighting and talking to other people and now that I've been through it now I can tell others and say hey look this is what's going on

Chelsea (40:19.508)
Yes.

Chelsea (40:33.33)
Yeah, how that how did you build that community? How did you find your special needs family community? Facebook? Okay. Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (40:39.01)
Facebook.

Facebook. Um, so Facebook is a great place. There's also, there's also meetings that I went to and there was some different events that we'd go to as a family that were like autism Ontario events and you could go and meet people. But a big part of finding information was joining an autism Ontario Facebook group for other parents who would just share and you could ask questions and just even just kind of.

chilling in the background and just reading other people's, you know, this happened. You're like, oh, that's kind of like my kid. Let me just read the comments here. Right? Even if you're not comfortable posting your own stuff, you can generally find somebody else who's going through the same thing and then read the comments and it's pretty bad.

Chelsea (41:13.29)
Yeah.

Chelsea (41:17.71)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (41:29.194)
Yeah, and that's so that's super similar to like I know we're focusing. I know we're focusing super heavily on ASD in this conversation so far, but it's the same thing with mental health and like taking that step to find your community. It's the same sort of thing. You don't have to be the one that's posting every day or the one that's like shouting out like, hey, something's going on. But like.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (41:54.259)
Yeah.

Chelsea (41:54.754)
finding someone else who has gone through what you're going through, it can just help you feel seen and validated. So that, it sounds like that was your experience through finding that Facebook group, which is so great. And you're navigating all of this at a pretty young age. Like I'm going to readily admit that in my 20s, I mean, I was

working as a special educator and in special education, but like, I can't imagine being a parent and having to fight for my kiddo in that way without having the experience in education that I had.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (42:34.466)
Yeah, it definitely was not easy and was not something I ever expected or ever imagined to have to need to do. Which is why at the beginning, I used to just think, okay, the teachers know best, the school knows best because I was young, I didn't know anything. But once you start learning and start realizing that you actually have a lot more power as a parent than

were led to believe, you can actually start advocating properly. And the other big thing that comes with talking to the school, or really, it can be used in other situations, but for me, it was the school is that when you're talking to the school, you're talking about your kids, you're going to be emotionally charged, super emotionally charged. So many of the conversations I would end up in tears by the end of it. So something that my therapist helped me with actually.

Chelsea (43:00.95)
Mm-hmm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (43:27.362)
Therapy is wonderful, guys. Something that, yep, something that she helped me with because it was a huge issue. I was talking to the school on a regular basis, nearly two, three times a week. And every time I would end up in tears, every time I would feel like I wasn't being listened to, like my kid wasn't getting support. So she finally helped me kind of put the feelings aside and figure out a way to communicate the needs that I was trying to get met for my kid.

Chelsea (43:29.023)
Yes, go to therapy.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (43:56.542)
So what it was we would cut a little bit role play, but not full on role play, but it was like if I said something, so say it was, you're telling me that my kid is disrupting class. And she would come back with something along the lines of, well, could it be possibly true that your kid is disrupting class? I'm like, yeah, obviously, but like if they gave them the support and then you start getting, she goes, okay.

Chelsea (43:56.607)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (44:23.882)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (44:24.994)
So you can admit that it could be true, but you also can admit that if there was this solution that you have come up with, then it probably wouldn't happen. So instead of starting with the angry part or the emotional part, start with just the facts and then build from there. So when I started going with just the facts, dealing with the school became much easier. So fast forwarding to the conversation that I had just last year. And

Chelsea (44:42.347)
Mm.

Chelsea (44:53.995)
Mm-hmm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (44:55.03)
Talking to that new vice principal and saying, you know, oh we're gonna have a bad a bad thing Because I was giving him the facts the facts were laid out The fact is he did it's proven that he does better online than in school The fact is that he's not going to physically be at school. We've tried it It does not work The fact is he needed these certain classes in order to graduate to go to college next year So laying out the facts and then saying this is what my child needs

I'm not being emotional. I am not saying, you know, I want him to do this because, you know, it will make him feel good. It will literally just the facts of the matter. And this is what we need to accomplish. What our end goal of going to college. This is what he needs right now.

Chelsea (45:43.186)
Yeah, yeah, you, you are a badass advocate for your kid. Like, seriously, holy wow, like, um, and that's a powerful thing too. Like that isn't, I feel like I haven't heard it worded that way. Your therapist is a good therapist. Like, yes, this, yeah, well, and that's another thing that we've been exploring a lot in this season is duality. So like,

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (46:00.898)
Thinks I really like her.

Chelsea (46:10.946)
Yes, you can. Yes, this can be true. And you can feel this. But let's focus on what is true. And go down that path and focus on the facts. So I like that. I like that a lot. Um,

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (46:25.47)
Yeah, it's really, really helped with the school and even doctors appointments. Um, because when you're going in and you're being told, Oh, your kid has a disability or whatever it happens to be. It's emotional. Like you, there's this big.

Chelsea (46:30.005)
Mmm.

Chelsea (46:36.078)
Mm-hmm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (46:45.558)
thing in the autism community that I noticed when we first were kind of reaching out to people was some people were saying, grieve the loss of the child you thought you were going to have. Other people saying, well, that's ridiculous that you don't grieve the loss of it. It's not an issue that your child has. Coming from somebody who also has autism and a parent of somebody, I grieved for the loss of having a neurotypical child.

Chelsea (46:56.459)
Mm.

Chelsea (47:07.156)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (47:14.202)
because I knew his life would be harder. It's not to say that I ever thought that he was less than, I never thought that he couldn't do many, many things other than be a doctor. There's just no way I would not want him being my doctor. Right? Like, I'm sorry. There are things that when I was pregnant, I thought, hey, he could be whatever he wants to be. Finding out you have autism, there are definitely doctors out there that have it. Don't get me wrong. Don't start.

Chelsea (47:17.591)
Hmm.

Chelsea (47:29.454)
Ha ha!

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (47:42.678)
blowing up her, her feed with stuff. I'm talking my, my kids specifically. It's just not something that's going to happen. And he doesn't want it to. And you know what? That's totally fine. But for me personally, in my journey, there was a small period of a grieving process going, this is going to be harder. It's going to be harder for him. It's going to be harder for us, but it's still going to be okay.

Chelsea (47:45.876)
No.

Chelsea (47:54.133)
Yes.

Chelsea (48:09.31)
Yeah. Yeah, because he's still the same kid that he was before you heard the words.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (48:13.614)
Mm-hmm. Yep. And hearing the words actually meant that we were better able to help him. 100% having the words has been better, just like when I got my own diagnosis. Having that word has been better. But it doesn't change the fact that there was a moment of going, wow, things are going to be different than what I previously expected them to be.

Chelsea (48:19.338)
Yes.

Chelsea (48:34.878)
Yes, absolutely. And I love that you acknowledged that like, like everybody's journey is different. And it's, it's okay to grieve. It's okay to grieve. It's and if you don't, then that's cool, too. That's your journey. But like for you, yeah, you, you recognize that it was, it was going to alter some things a little bit. Um,

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (48:58.022)
at the word grief or hear the word grief and they immediately think of it applying to a death. And that's not where grief is. You can grieve the loss of a job. You can you can grieve moving to a different house. Even if you're excited to do that, you're still grieving the change that is happening. And I think that's more the term that applies to this situation with a with a child that is diagnosed with something. You're grieving just a change in

Chelsea (49:03.489)
Yeah.

Chelsea (49:14.594)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (49:24.458)
your perspective, you're just grieving in knowing that something is different.

Chelsea (49:30.13)
Yeah, it's like a letting go and it's and it's you don't want to like it's you have to let go of this vision of what may have been and take on this new reality and you don't necessarily want to do that but it's a process it's a process.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (49:32.731)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (49:50.378)
Exactly. And if anybody has a better word for it, put it down in the description, put it down in the comments.

Chelsea (49:58.691)
Put it in the comment section! Um, yes. I- but no, I think- I think personally grief- grief is an appropriate word. Um, I think grief is being used a little bit more lately.

Especially in the mental health realm. Like, and like you were talking earlier that you were recently diagnosed with PTSD. There's a whole grieving process with that too. And grieving, grieving the trauma and grieving a vision of yourself that you may not have anymore, or a version of yourself that you don't have anymore. I'm definitely going through that. So no grief doesn't have to just do with.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (50:18.862)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (50:45.506)
death, I think grief is about loss. And just, and that can apply to anything. Steering our ship a little again. When you received your autism diagnosis, you had said it was like a lightbulb moment. And it was like, it was like a good lightbulb moment. Did it alter your perception?

or your vision of yourself as a mom, not just as Randy Lee, but as a parent.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (51:25.374)
I don't, so yes and no. When the actual diagnosis came, like the official from the doctor, no. Because I think by that point, I had already decided that it was going to happen. Like, I was like, yeah, okay. So I think prior to that, it was a change in thought process for sure, especially when I started putting it together, like when I would say,

Chelsea (51:34.635)
Okay.

Chelsea (51:40.308)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (51:54.57)
Oh, he's just like, Mom. And I'm going, huh, okay. And I think that it, because Lev was already a teenager by then too. So I think it helped just bonding us a little bit more because now when he, when we would get in like an argument of some kind, it was, oh, that's just your autism talking. Like that's what he would say to me. And I'd be like, well then maybe we need to come back to this later, right? Like,

Chelsea (51:55.967)
Yeah.

Chelsea (52:09.047)
Hmm

Chelsea (52:18.41)
Hahahaha

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (52:23.402)
We can point it out.

Chelsea (52:23.648)
But that's so healthy! That's such a healthy way to look at it! Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (52:27.122)
Yeah. And so understanding what the other person's going through, because now love understands what I'm going through. I understand what he's going through. And it just it makes things a little bit easier. Not always. Definitely not always. He's still a teenager and has a long way to go. And I'm still human. But I think that it did help in that way. So there was definitely a shift in understanding parenting.

Chelsea (52:39.913)
Yeah.

Chelsea (52:46.378)
Yes?

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (52:57.142)
special needs kid or parenting as a special needs parent in a different way.

Chelsea (53:03.494)
Yeah, that makes sense. Do you and you say, you've said a lot that he he's just like mom, he's just like mom. So do you find that a lot of your like sensory needs or just sort of triggers in general are similar to his?

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (53:22.222)
Some of them are definitely similar, like loud noises is very similar. Having too many people around all at one time, all talking at the same time, very similar. And probably as a kid, I had more that I, you know, can't really recall at this moment. But as an adult, I think I've come to terms with some of that and have figured out coping strategies. So I don't really even put myself in those situations. So they're hard to be like,

Chelsea (53:31.737)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (53:51.03)
Oh yeah, this triggers me, because I just unconsciously know to avoid such instances. Whereas he doesn't yet, so that's a big one. He has always had more triggers to fabrics than I do. Like, I hate jeans and buttons. It's funny because I'm wearing jeans right now, but they're like, they're the really nice, like, stretchy kind, so they don't feel like jeans. Well, they're not quite jeggings because I don't like things tight.

Chelsea (53:57.076)
Yeah.

Chelsea (54:09.711)
Yeah.

Chelsea (54:15.678)
Like jeggings? Yeah. Okay, okay.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (54:20.182)
but they have that nice stretch. They're actually bell bottoms, so they don't touch my legs, right? But like when I was a teenager, the girls were wearing like skinny jeans and stuff. Oh, no, do not put those on me. Don't put them anywhere near me. The actual denim feeling, I hate that. So right, there's certain textures that nail as an adult, I just, no.

Chelsea (54:24.162)
Oh nice, nice.

Chelsea (54:34.281)
Mm-mm.

Chelsea (54:39.255)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (54:44.046)
I'm just not gonna buy it. Like I don't have to freak out. I don't have to have a meltdown. Nobody else is for it. It was buying this for me. And I have to pretend like I like a gift, which never happened. And so, you know, I didn't, there was, there's none of that. Cause as an adult, I just know what I like and what I don't like, right? Whereas when you're a kid, people buy you gifts and it's like, why would you get me these jeans? Like, I'm not gonna wear these. And then I'd have my mom look at me and being like, be nice. It's like.

Chelsea (54:45.407)
Right, exactly.

Chelsea (55:00.424)
Right.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (55:12.662)
I'm not being mean, I'm giving them a fact that you know I don't like jeans, why would you buy them for me? Right? And so that's something growing up. My mom used to always say, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. I said, okay, but I'm just telling the truth. I don't understand how to do both. And again, it's not like I was going out of my way to say something mean, so it wasn't like I was going, hmm, this is gonna be really mean, so I'm gonna say it.

Chelsea (55:17.514)
Right, I'm telling the truth. Yeah.

Chelsea (55:32.544)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (55:40.822)
which then her little saying would apply. It would be like in that situation where this person is trying to give me something or they're trying to change the TV to something or whatever. And I would say what was on my mind, the truth. I don't like these. Why would you get them for me? Or this tastes gross. Yeah, so to me, I just, I could not compute that. I kind of understand what she's saying now, but it still does not...

Chelsea (55:41.399)
Right.

Chelsea (55:58.058)
Yeah, you were stating a fact. Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (56:10.502)
work well in my brain. Yeah.

Chelsea (56:10.518)
does not compute. Yeah. No, that makes sense though. I totally get it because to you it's a fact. Like, I don't like these. Why would I wear them? Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (56:22.67)
Yeah. And why would I pretend to be happy about it? Like even if I didn't say the words out loud and I just had like that look like, okay, cool. Why would I pretend to be excited? Like I've come to a point now as an adult, if somebody gives me a gift, I know I have enough composure now to not be like, well, I don't like this. But I also can't fake being excited about something that I'm just not excited about.

Chelsea (56:33.295)
Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Chelsea (56:44.353)
Right.

Chelsea (56:50.77)
Yeah, that makes it well and that's authenticity, I think. So we've just all been trained to be happy and be thankful and be gracious. And that's not reality. So I feel ya, I feel ya. Um, so how since you've been on this journey for a little bit now in terms of like understanding your own diagnosis.

Um, how do you balance your self care and your sensory needs with making sure your son is also getting his sensory needs met?

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (57:31.858)
Um, so because he's now 17, it's become a lot easier. He's also been through a ton of therapy himself. And he is also at a point now that more consistently, not all the time, but more consistently, he can say, I need whatever. I need quiet, I need my headphones, I need a break in my room, whatever. So that really helps. And I just

Chelsea (57:38.761)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (57:48.983)
Okay.

Chelsea (57:56.354)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (58:00.99)
It's really hard to answer the question only because being a teenager and I'm thinking, oh, he's a teenager, he stays in his room, but there has been so much work put into him being able to just hang out in his room by himself. He is until he was about 12, he slept in my bed. Like he just would not sleep by himself. Just would not do it.

Chelsea (58:14.861)
Yeah.

Chelsea (58:18.66)
Mm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (58:22.75)
And then for a few years he slept in the living room because he would not sleep in his room. So it's come a long way and it's so hard when you're living it to then go back and say if there's been one pivotal moment but it hasn't. It's been many, many little steps and it's so important to realize that it takes many little steps to get anywhere. So

Chelsea (58:25.666)
Mm!

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (58:47.078)
moving from my bed to the couch, as frustrating as that was that now you're sleeping on the couch every night, was a big accomplishment because he's still sleeping by himself. And then being able to then sleep in his bed, that was a huge accomplishment. And for some people, they just take that for granted. Well, your kid's just going to sleep in their bed, it's their bed, right? No, right? So I think it's an accumulation of many small things and there's no one big thing to say.

Chelsea (58:55.52)
Right.

Chelsea (59:06.339)
Great.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (59:15.198)
that it's happened. I think we've both helped each other try to regulate our sensory needs. Like when we say, Hey, I need a break from this conversation, but I'm walking away. We'll, we'll actually say to each other, end of conversation. Not always, right? Like it's just, this conversation is over right now. Like I'm done. And so that, that's a huge one because when you start talking back and forth and it becomes an argument,

Chelsea (59:27.018)
Mmm, I like that!

Chelsea (59:33.612)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (59:42.934)
and voices start to get raised. Both of us have sensory issues with voices raised. And then you add in that neither of us are actually listening to the other person because you're so emotionally charged. Nothing's going to be accomplished. Not saying we're perfect, because we definitely still have arguments. But there are more, more often than not, we are able to accommodate the other person's sensory needs because we are able to

Chelsea (59:55.124)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:00:01.661)
Hahahaha

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:00:11.678)
express them what we need in that moment. And I think that's how I've learned to balance it is by teaching Lev how to be accountable for his own body and his own sensory needs, which is so important when you're growing up. He's going to be an adult next year, right? 18, you're technically an adult. So understanding how to advocate for himself and say what he needs for himself.

has been such a huge accomplishment that has made being able to take care of myself that much easier.

Chelsea (01:00:44.818)
Yeah, and I think it's important for our parents listening who do have a kiddo on the autism spectrum to get that perspective. Again, we've said this on a couple of episodes now, you meet one person with autism, you've met one person with autism, and every journey is going to look different and everybody's communication needs and skills are going to look different, but knowing that with the right support.

you can get to a place where your kiddo can advocate for themselves. You're not always going to be stuck in this initial diagnosis phase where you're basically like flying blind and trying to figure out what's going to work for your kid. Yeah. When you put in the work and when you advocate, which is hard, and I heard you say it earlier in the episode, you felt like you were just failing as a mom.

it that it doesn't last forever. It doesn't have to last forever. There, there can come a day where your kiddo can potentially advocate for themselves and you're gonna get somewhere. You're gonna be able to look at your kid and say end of conversation. Yes, we'll come back to this later. Like that is huge. That is huge. So I, I

Yeah, I love that you kind of both have navigated this. I keep saying navigated. You both have, it is a good word. I just try to use, I need a thesaurus or something. I use the same words all the time, but you both have sort of walked this path together and you starting into parenthood at such a young age.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:02:16.322)
That's a great word though.

Chelsea (01:02:37.102)
may have almost been to your benefit because the two of you grew together.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:02:42.914)
Never looked at it that way. That's interesting.

Chelsea (01:02:45.03)
I mean, it's just, it's just, just from sort of listening and observing, I obviously don't know you very well, other than from this conversation and the research that I've done. But like, it just kind of occurred to me. You you were, I mean, you have ASD, you had it then you have it now. It's not something that you woke up and the doctor said you have it and you're like, oh, yeah, now I do. So like,

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:03:13.646)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:03:14.335)
You were learning yourself while you were also raising this human and the two of you were sort of growing together kind of is what it sounds like. And I also applaud you for being such an amazing advocate for him. And well for real and it.

It drives that point home, I'm saying it again, that community is so important. You had the support of your mother and you said your godmother and yeah, and your aunt. Yeah, and then you had the support of an autism community in Ontario. And like that is huge. So asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Seeking support is one of the bravest things you can do.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:03:48.853)
Yeah, I might ant.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:04:06.542)
Shout it from the rooftops.

Chelsea (01:04:08.47)
Yes. So, and you are living breathing proof of that. I'm gonna try to wind it around. Go.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:04:20.899)
When you said that, living breathing proof, I just had like a flash image of love. You'd go, I'm living? What? That's my kid. What are we talking about? Where's my poles? What?

Chelsea (01:04:30.402)
Huh? Oh my God. Your kit sounds amazing, by the way. Like.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:04:36.942)
He is hilarious. And he is amazing at art, actually, I have to get better at posting his stuff on Facebook. But every year for the past about nine years, he's been selling calendars with his own artwork in them. And I've been horrible about posting that one this year. But he's actually done some of the artworks in some of my kids books.

Chelsea (01:04:56.247)
Hehehehe

Chelsea (01:05:00.618)
Okay, so, I want to plug this right now, so like listeners, obviously all of your social media and all of your information is going to be in the show notes, but yes, you have to watch this one, people, okay? Watch this one. Of all of the ones, you have to watch this one. Um...

Chelsea (01:05:25.25)
I'm trying to wrap it a little bit, but I want talk to me about your books. Talk to me about your books I want to know

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:05:31.83)
So I've lots of books. I write a lot about mental health. There's actually if you want to learn more about my story with raising my kid there my second book that I ever wrote came out in 2018. It's called A Mother's Truth and it takes you through pregnancy up to grade six.

I like to say we're living through part two. So that one, exactly. So that one really kind of gives way more insight into what I've been talking about today. So that one's called A Mother's Truth, but other ones, my most recent non-fiction that came out was earlier this year, my brother had died by a drug overdose. So that came out earlier this year to the families of others who are experiencing something like that. It's called Goodbye Too Soon.

Chelsea (01:05:48.062)
Mmm.

Chelsea (01:05:52.343)
To be continued.

Chelsea (01:06:08.438)
Mm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:06:16.574)
And then my kids book, there's other ones, but I'm only gonna plug a couple. And then my kids books, because it's Christmas time right now, I don't know when the episode will come out, but we're recording right now at Christmas time. I have a kids Christmas book where Lev did do some of the pictures I attempted to, and he looks at them and goes, Mom, this isn't very good. And I said, well, I asked for your help. Can you fix it? He goes, I'll just redo the whole thing.

Chelsea (01:06:20.072)
Okay?

Chelsea (01:06:28.468)
Yes.

Chelsea (01:06:45.518)
There's that honesty stating the facts. Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:06:48.84)
Right? So, some of my pictures were okay, so he allowed me to keep those ones in. But he did do some of those, so that's called Operation Deck the Halls. And then the other one that he did all of the artwork for, it's called Whoopi's Trip to the Hospital. And a lot of the stuff in that one is hand drawn.

Chelsea (01:07:00.962)
Okay.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:07:10.498)
And it's about this little stuffed dog. He lives in a classroom. He goes home with different kids. So Whoopi's Trip to the Hospital is the first in what's supposed to be a series. He's still working on the pictures for the second one. He's been working on it for a year and a half. Yeah. No sense of time management at all. There's like three pictures left to do, just like do it. But anyway, so Whoopi's Trip to the Hospital, the stuffed dog, he goes to the hospital with this little boy who's getting his tonsils out and the stuffed dog has to help him feel very brave.

Chelsea (01:07:10.517)
Okay.

Chelsea (01:07:39.67)
Mm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:07:39.734)
This next one that's coming out, it's called, Wuffy Says Goodbye, because Wuffy goes home with this little girl who has a hamster that dies. And so they have to say goodbye to the hamster and have a little funeral. And so, yeah, that one's gonna come out, I don't know, I was hoping it was gonna come out this year, but I'm still waiting on my artist.

Chelsea (01:08:01.697)
When Lev finishes the pictures.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:08:03.614)
Yeah, but yeah, any of the woofy books that you see that come out, that those will always be love's art because he designed the dog. And so it will always be his stuff on that one.

Chelsea (01:08:14.726)
I love that. Where can listeners find your books? Amazon. Okay.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:08:17.146)
Amazon all of them are on Amazon just if you put in my name Randy Lee Bozal on Amazon You're gonna see it all come up. There's there's only one on me

Chelsea (01:08:25.474)
perfect. There's only one of you. Yes. And I now that I know about those two, well, the one children's book and the next one that someday will come out. I am absolutely going to look that up because my eight year old is obsessed with dogs and stuffed animals. And I feel like that is perfect. So Amazon, Amazon.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:08:46.811)
Oh, that's amazing.

Chelsea (01:08:55.058)
I, again, these are my favorite interviews where I feel like I could just keep talking and that we could go down so many different rabbit holes. Oh, I would love it. But I think I'm editing this because I'm thinking out loud, but like, I had one question, it doesn't apply. I'm not gonna ask it.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:09:03.102)
You can have me back anytime.

Chelsea (01:09:19.018)
Well, I was gonna ask you, we're not gonna do it, but I was gonna be like, what's different about being a grandparent? Has nothing to do with what we talked about. So you will have to come back, yes. So what I will do is, because you have so beautifully wrapped up this whole experience in this beautiful little package, seriously, I haven't had to really look at my notes hardly at all because you've hit so many of the points that I wanted.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:09:26.902)
Yeah, so I'll just have to come back and talk about that one.

Chelsea (01:09:48.226)
to talk about. So thank you. Wow, you are a great speaker. Um, so I am going to ask a little bit of a different question than I usually ask. What would you tell a family who is going through the initial maybe questioning slash diagnosis process for any sort of special needs kiddo that you wish someone would have told you?

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:09:50.422)
You're welcome.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:10:13.498)
Oh, that's a good one. No one has ever asked me that question. And I have done a lot of interviews. So first and foremost, you're not failing. Even though you feel like you're failing, you are not failing. And do lots of research. Don't accept no as an answer. And if you think something's gonna work best for your kid, push for it.

Chelsea (01:10:17.37)
Oh cool. Score one for me.

Chelsea (01:10:42.414)
Hmm.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:10:43.97)
Those, I'm gonna say those are the three pieces that I wish somebody would have told me, especially that first one.

Chelsea (01:10:50.07)
that you are not a failure. Yeah, no, absolutely not. And that is a universal feeling for a lot of parents, but parents who are navigating special needs parenting or medical parenting or things like that, I feel like it's amplified because again, like you're kind of flying blind in those early days. So I love it. I love that. And I feel like you're in a place now where you believe those things. Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:11:17.866)
Yes, yeah, it took some time, but definitely, and that's why, you know, if you're listening to this episode, you might be going, oh wow, you have it all together. Now! Sometimes.

Chelsea (01:11:20.732)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:11:28.522)
Hahahaha

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:11:30.666)
But I definitely didn't. There's days that I'd be driving home from work just bawling my eyes out because once I walked through this door, I had to put it together because we had to figure out what was gonna happen. There were days driving back and forth to the hospital because of suicide attempts, which we didn't even talk about. But there are days that just I couldn't keep going. And so... So, I was like,

Chelsea (01:11:45.44)
Yeah.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:11:52.754)
You know, I might sound like I've got it all together now, but that's only because of years and years of ups and downs and, you know, figuring stuff out and falling and picking ourselves back up and just keep going.

Chelsea (01:12:07.806)
Yeah, I love that message. And I, I'm emphasizing to listeners, like this has been a really nice, like lighthearted conversation. It's felt good. It's felt like positive. And, and with you adding what you added, like realize that everyone is, is fighting a battle that you that you can't see. And I would love to have you back again and talk more about

just everything and like all of this but for real like I think it's important to have these types of episodes where we talk about challenges as well as successes as well as joys and finding the good within the crap um but knowing that like just because we laughed a lot during this episode does not mean that Randy Lee did not struggle and that there is another side.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:12:56.526)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (01:13:07.583)
It's not forever.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:13:08.906)
Well you did ask me at one point about managing myself. Laughter guys. Laughter.

Chelsea (01:13:16.042)
I think that is a neuro spicy trait that because I am definitely not neurotypical. Um, I think a lot of us handle our stress and trauma with humor. Yes, because it's a little easier than having to deal with it for real. So but yes, this.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:13:32.623)
Yes, we do.

Chelsea (01:13:43.25)
I started out telling you I was fried. I'm feeling energized now. So thank you. I'm still gonna eat fried rice. Yes, I've gotta go pick it up. But thank you so much for being on and for sharing your story. And listeners, keep an eye and an ear out because maybe we'll hear from Randee Lee again. And check out all of her stuff.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:13:53.038)
as you should.

Chelsea (01:14:11.498)
linked in the show notes. Like and subscribe she said. I'll get better at that as we go. Um, but yeah, thank you. This has been lovely.

Randi-Lee Bowslaugh (01:14:25.718)
Thanks so much for having me.

Chelsea (01:14:28.949)
Alright, pushing stop not-