Chelsea D - Harrowing Journey into Motherhood

Chelsea, a licensed clinical social worker, shares her challenging birth experience and the struggles she faced both prior to and following the birth of her daughter in the season 3 finale. Her journey into motherhood found her navigating loss, grief, and discovering love in a truly unexpected place, profoundly impacting her sense of community and support. She recounts her hospitalization, induction, and the emotional turmoil she experienced during her emergency C-section. She also opens up about her struggles with postpartum anxiety, OCD, and PTSD. She ultimately communicates a message of self-advocacy and finding joy even in the darkest moments. 

Takeaways

• The journey to motherhood can be filled with challenges and unexpected twists.
• Grief and loss can impact the experience of becoming a mother.
• The pressure to conform to societal timelines and expectations can be detrimental to mental health.
• Having a supportive community is crucial during pregnancy and postpartum.
• Access to adequate prenatal care is essential for a healthy pregnancy. Women often downplay their symptoms in the medical system due to a lack of belief and understanding from healthcare providers.
• Delayed medical attention can lead to complications and traumatic birth experiences.
• Postpartum anxiety and OCD are common but often misunderstood mental health challenges that can significantly impact a mother's well-being.
• Finding the right medication and support is crucial for managing postpartum mental health issues.
• Social obligations and lack of support can add to the challenges faced by new mothers.
• Grieving the loss of community and navigating parenting multiple children can be overwhelming. Motherhood can bring unexpected challenges and emotions that may be different from previous experiences with babies.
• The biological and hormonal changes during pregnancy can have a significant impact on a mother's mental and emotional well-being.
• Social pressures and outside expectations can add to the stress and anxiety of motherhood.
• Self-care and advocacy are crucial for a mother's mental health and well-being.
• Grieving and accepting the difficulties of pregnancy is a normal part of the journey to parenthood.
• It is important to remember that every mother's journey is unique and to prioritize one's own needs and happiness.

This episode discusses topics that may be triggering for some individuals. Please check the show notes for more information and be mindful of your own mental health and comfort levels.

Odd Moms On Call is a podcast for moms navigating the chaos of current events. Join our diverse panel of moms from across the U.S. and Canada, breaking down how politics, policies, and culture impact our families—and how we talk to our kids about them. Honest, unfiltered, and insightful, we're making sense of the world, one conversation at a time. 

Listen on BuzzSprout!

Transcript

Chelsea (00:05.071)
Hello, today I am here with Chelsea, not me Chelsea, another Chelsea. Chelsea, how are you? I am good. It's a little crazy over here. Before we started recording, we had some drama with the wood stove, but we're back and we're gonna be fine. Everything's gonna be fine. Yes. Um.

Chelsea (00:11.15)
Thanks for watching!

How are you?

Chelsea (00:27.858)
Everyday life, yes, yeah. Thank you so much for having me and for creating this space for so many women.

Chelsea (00:35.363)
Thank you for reaching out and for being willing to share your story. And this is kind of especially special because you're so local. So it's nice to know that there are mamas connecting nearby as well as far and wide. So I'm just I'm happy to have you. I think we'll just get right into it. I would love to know a little bit more about you.

and what you do and who you were before you became a mom.

Chelsea (01:12.41)
That's a story, that's a long story in of itself. So I'm Chelsea. I am a born and raised Vermonter. I was born in Swanton and always stayed in the Franklin County or Chittenden area except for when I studied abroad in Ireland for a semester. Yeah, yeah, it was really lovely.

Chelsea (01:33.007)
Mmm, jealous.

Chelsea (01:39.85)
and lived around here for a bit. I got my background in social work, so I'm a licensed clinical social worker. I offer short-term therapy right now at UVM Medical Center. And that's really lovely, but my specialty area is working with survivors of torture, so particularly people who identify as refugees or asylum seekers and doing trauma-based work with them.

Wow, prior to becoming a mama, what was I doing? I was doing a lot of things. I was traveling the world. So I had a lot of opportunities to travel when I was in college, in undergrad, which was absolutely amazing. My family is someone, you know, they're a family that stays local, that we all live close to each other and no one really leaves Vermont.

Chelsea (02:32.171)
Mmm, that's kind of a Vermont thing. Yeah.

Chelsea (02:34.802)
It is, it is. And so, you know, I guess you could say I was the black sheep of the family because I was so starkly different compared to, compared to others. Yeah, so, and then I went to, you know, I worked in the field for a little bit. I went to grad school, got my masters in social work and was like, I don't know, I'm going to get licensed. Not really sure what I want to do.

Chelsea (02:39.395)
Hahaha

Chelsea (02:59.554)
But then I started working as a director of social work at a nonprofit organization that was working with survivors of torture. And I had a lot of jobs at the time, you know, I always had like two or three jobs going at any given time, all in the mental health field doing crisis work or working in school based services.

Chelsea (03:11.384)
Yeah.

Chelsea (03:21.382)
I continued to travel in grad school. Like my spring break, a friend and I just put our finger on the globe and we're like, oh yeah, Columbia sounds great. Let's go to Columbia. So we did just because. Yeah, yeah. And then, you know, I graduated grad school, got, you know, multiple jobs.

Chelsea (03:31.375)
I should have...

Chelsea (03:45.174)
And I was kind of like in and out of relationships that were just not healthy for me. I was definitely in like an abusive relationship. My last, my previous relationship to what I'm in now. And I said, you know what, I'm getting out of this. And you know, this was like during COVID and after COVID. And it's like, I'm getting out of this. This isn't working. You know, the stars aligned. And I took some time to work on myself and to like really like...

Chelsea (04:04.842)
Mm.

Chelsea (04:14.278)
dive in and live authentically without apology. And so one of the ways to kind of have a love affair with myself per se was that I was going to travel again. And so I went to Mexico. Yeah, so I went to Mexico, met some amazing friends and then decided, you know what, I think I want to call this home. And so I came back.

Chelsea (04:18.327)
Mmm.

Chelsea (04:29.88)
Oh my god girl you've been everywhere

Chelsea (04:41.61)
to Vermont and was like, I'm going to make this happen and started doing all these things. And then I went back to Mexico to be with my friends and was scanning out places and I got COVID and something else that a lot of people don't know necessarily about me is that I have lupus. And so being immunocompromised and getting COVID in another country, whether it's not really quality healthcare, kind of like, you know.

Chelsea (04:54.987)
Mm.

Chelsea (04:59.907)
Mmm.

Chelsea (05:06.996)
Yeah.

Chelsea (05:10.734)
gave me some insight of like, all right, well, maybe Mexico isn't the place, but let's look at the Southwest because then I could just hop on a plane and go hang out with my friends whenever I want. So I was working on accepting jobs out in Arizona, working at the International Rescue Committee, again, doing work with refugees and asylum seekers and survivors of torture and...

Chelsea (05:20.237)
Yeah.

Chelsea (05:38.87)
That's kind of where the story begins of like motherhood.

Chelsea (05:41.691)
Yeah. Talk to me about that. How about how you met your... Well, first of all, did you always want to be a mom? Yeah.

Chelsea (05:53.438)
I did. I did. That was something that was so incredibly important to me. I had grown up around kids all my life, definitely had caregiver tendencies, and so always wanted to be a mom, but it didn't matter to me how it happened. I didn't have to be pregnant. I could adopt, you know, foster care was also an option after having worked closely with people who worked for the Department of Children and Families. You know, it did not matter to me how that came to be.

Chelsea (06:02.775)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (06:08.57)
Mm.

Chelsea (06:23.253)
Yeah.

Chelsea (06:23.312)
but I knew I wanted to be a mom. I actually spent a good amount of time at an orphanage in Uganda. And I think that's where I was like, oh, I definitely wanna be a mom. Being around the kids every day and just the pure joy, right? I was like, no, this puts my life into perspective. I definitely wanna be a mom.

Chelsea (06:34.517)
Yeah.

Chelsea (06:41.516)
Yeah.

Chelsea (06:47.562)
Yeah, so I was planning a trip out to Arizona. Yeah, definitely yes, definitely yes. So I had planned a trip out to Arizona and was meeting my friend from Mexico there. He dances in the ballet and I would get to see his performance and then we were gonna go on a road trip and I was scanning out places to live. And so we did that. And then a week before that trip,

Chelsea (06:49.832)
So that's a definite yes.

Chelsea (07:18.323)
I got the devastating call that one of my best friends died. She is someone that I went to college with. I was, you know.

Chelsea (07:22.083)
Mm.

Chelsea (07:31.434)
It was very unexpected. So what had happened was that she developed a brain aneurysm during pregnancy and unfortunately was one of the women who were overlooked in the system. Her symptoms were written off as like, it's just hormonal. It's just hormonal. And then shortly after birth, she died unexpectedly. And that's where the story begins.

Chelsea (07:38.383)
Mm.

Chelsea (07:49.98)
Mm.

Chelsea (07:53.66)
Oh my gosh.

Chelsea (07:58.578)
So I dropped everything. I was like, this is not the time for me to, to really do what I want to do. Um, I want to be able to support her family and I want to be able to support myself and figure out what it is that I need because this is, this is a significant loss.

Chelsea (08:17.867)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (08:18.63)
So I went to where she lived and went to her services. And I had known her husband before. I actually knew her. He was my RA in college. And yeah, yeah. So like we were always in like the same group, always kind of like in the same orbit. And I was like, if you need anything, just call me. You know, like I'm happy to help. Cause I mean, he was at home with a two and a half year old and a newborn.

Chelsea (08:30.221)
Oh, that's so funny.

Chelsea (08:47.604)
Yeah.

Chelsea (08:48.626)
And so sure enough, he called me and he's like, I need help. And I'm like, great, tell me what you need. And so I came and I stayed with them and everybody was taking turns. Everybody in their community was taking turns. You know, it was like, you know, this week so-and-so was here, next week the so-and-so was here. And so we did that. And we kept doing that.

Chelsea (08:53.408)
Yeah.

Chelsea (09:15.774)
And that is where we found love and loss. Which isn't shocking, but is shocking to people. Yeah, yeah, a lot of people are kind of surprised by that. But it's not really surprising, right? We were friends and we had that foundation to make it work.

Chelsea (09:24.084)
Yeah?

Chelsea (09:36.876)
Yeah.

Chelsea (09:40.066)
I wasn't looking for anything. Like he clearly wasn't looking for anything. But then it kind of like hit us like.

Chelsea (09:42.463)
Yeah!

Chelsea (09:48.034)
Oh, maybe this might be something that we could explore. But then, you know, as both mental health professionals, we were very intentional on exploring. What's going on here? Is this like grief related and we just want to feel good or like, is there's actually something here? And sure enough, we did the work and.

Chelsea (10:01.519)
I'm sorry.

Chelsea (10:05.645)
Right.

Chelsea (10:14.77)
No, there was something there. There was definitely, definitely something there. And so.

Chelsea (10:16.767)
Yeah.

Chelsea (10:23.318)
We worked really hard. We were intentional. We wanted to make sure that we were taking things slow, that it was gonna be like, my role would never change with the kids until it was time. Like, you know, we had this plan. I was gonna move there. I wasn't gonna live in the house for like a year. We were just gonna, you know, we were very, very intentional about how, how we planned this out to make sure that it was gonna be.

Chelsea (10:35.904)
Yeah.

Chelsea (10:41.214)
Oh wow.

Chelsea (10:50.238)
one, something that worked for us, but also primarily what worked for the kids, because we wanted them to have stability and we wanted them to, you know, have a sense of, we just wanted them to have a sense of stability. They had already been through such loss and that they didn't need any more significant transitions. And so...

Chelsea (10:55.181)
Yeah.

Chelsea (11:07.875)
Yeah.

Chelsea (11:13.226)
we decided, all right, we're gonna do this. And it was really lovely and it still is. Yeah, and so I think we slowly started telling people. I think we wanted to be mindful of how other people would feel, which we knew we would get some pushback around.

Chelsea (11:20.084)
Yeah!

Chelsea (11:36.654)
And we were trying so hard to be so like compassionate and understanding of people's feelings and you know, wanted to give them time and space and also we were like, this is happening. And so we were we were slow to tell people, but then I mean within three months of being official, I guess, I took a pregnancy test.

Chelsea (11:50.113)
Right.

Chelsea (12:05.131)
Oh boy. Oh my gosh.

Chelsea (12:05.162)
and I was pregnant. Yes, oh my gosh is right. Yes, that changed everything. So, I mean, there's a lot of layers to that, right? So, the thing that I learned about pregnancy is that it's not actually what it's supposed to be for so many people. I had...

Chelsea (12:10.307)
Oh my gosh, and that changes things.

Chelsea (12:17.268)
Yeah.

Chelsea (12:31.444)
It's not how they portray it in the media at all. No.

Chelsea (12:33.39)
No, no, not at all. Like, there are people who are like, I love being pregnant. And, like, everyone's happy for them. And we are stuck here like, Oh, my gosh, one, how did this happen? And, and, and two, like, Oh, no, what does this mean? And

Chelsea (12:48.235)
Yeah!

Chelsea (12:56.69)
What are going to be the social consequences for this? Should we move forward with the pregnancy? And so we sat in that for a few weeks of trying to decide what was best. And then I said, you know what? This feels right to me. So I'm gonna move forward and I would like you to participate. If you don't wanna participate, I get it, but I'd like you there.

Chelsea (13:06.703)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (13:21.506)
and he was like, nope, I'm on board, like, let's do this. And I'm like, okay, okay.

Chelsea (13:30.826)
And I just want to acknowledge that, you know, at the beginning when we told people, and all throughout my pregnancy, you know, I, there wasn't a lot of positivity around my pregnancy. I received a lot of backlash. I received comments, including up until, you know, seven and a half months pregnant.

Chelsea (13:44.972)
Mm.

Chelsea (13:57.829)
Mm.

Chelsea (13:58.066)
of that, you know, it's actually really disgusting what you two are doing or how could you do this to her family or you or her friend or, you know, things like, um, think about the kids. Like I was a kid of a, of divorce. Like I know what I went through and I'm like, whoa, you're comparing apples to oranges. Like

Chelsea (14:06.031)
Oh my gosh.

Chelsea (14:19.62)
Yeah, completely different situation.

Chelsea (14:21.742)
completely different and you know comments like there were no congratulations from a lot of my friends um their comments were mostly like I can't imagine what he must be going through like I just keep thinking about him and comments of well if it was my sister and this had happened and this was her widow I'd have a lot to say and people just could not understand that

Chelsea (14:27.876)
Mmm.

Chelsea (14:52.002)
like grief is a companion, right? Like it doesn't go away. There's so many layers of grief and it doesn't look just like crying or sadness that it is possible for both joy and love and happiness to coexist with grief. And people just could not get on board with that idea. There's also like time is a social construct, right? And so like what I mean by that is that, you know,

Chelsea (14:55.683)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (15:09.676)
Yes.

Chelsea (15:13.78)
Yeah.

Chelsea (15:17.82)
Yes, yes.

Chelsea (15:22.294)
people like a society or a culture.

has these unwritten rules, right, rules, of how we plan and build our schedules and like schedule our lives. And so for people in this culture, most like, you know, the like traditional way of doing it is like you date for a long time and then you get married and then you have kids and here I am, not married, newly with someone, finding out that I'm pregnant and...

Chelsea (15:30.924)
Yeah.

Chelsea (15:57.27)
you know, their partner, my friend had died within the past year. Like, it wasn't even a year yet. And people were like, he's not grieving. How could he be so happy? Like, this isn't okay. Like, it didn't look the way that they had wanted it to look or they thought it should look, which was really, really hard to hear.

Chelsea (16:03.222)
Right.

Chelsea (16:22.547)
Yeah, I can't. That must have taken so much from you in being able to be present and enjoy your pregnancy.

Chelsea (16:33.983)
It did.

Chelsea (16:40.51)
I felt incredibly robbed of the happiness that I felt like I deserved, right? It's like, it wasn't an ideal situation. It was a surprise, but like I could find joy in it. Like we can make the best of this situation and people just couldn't get on board with that, which was a...

Chelsea (16:48.308)
Yeah.

Chelsea (16:53.76)
Right.

Chelsea (17:00.715)
I think they were probably, I mean, you're the mental health professional here, so I don't have to tell you this, but it sounds a lot like people were projecting their uncomfortability and their grief onto you and your situation.

Chelsea (17:15.67)
They did, yeah, they did. And everybody's entitled to their own feelings, right? Like I'm not saying that their feelings are invalid, but it was one of those things where you hope people could put it aside and still support you. And their feelings got in the way of ultimately our relationship. And so...

Chelsea (17:31.791)
Great.

Chelsea (17:36.51)
Yeah.

Chelsea (17:39.35)
and we saved a lot of backlash. There was a lot of, you know, social consequences. And it didn't feel happy. It did not feel happy.

Chelsea (17:46.371)
Yeah.

Chelsea (17:48.854)
you know, the people that I thought that I had been through every milestone with, like in college, like I've been with them through their breakups and their weddings and, um, you know, traveling and traveling the world together. Um, all of a sudden I was not receiving any support, even though I had been there for their milestones. And that, that felt really hard. That felt really hard. Um, I tried to make space for that and tried not to let it bother me,

Chelsea (18:04.044)
Yeah.

Chelsea (18:18.768)
But you know, it's a, it's a, it's disappointing, it's hurtful. And this is like one of the most important times of your life, right? And like, if I'm honest, pregnancy, especially in the early stages, is incredibly lonely. Because you're like in that time where you're like, you're not supposed to tell anybody because like, all these things could happen. And not to mention, like not only was it lonely, but

Chelsea (18:23.499)
Of course.

Chelsea (18:27.285)
Yeah.

Chelsea (18:36.45)
Yes.

Chelsea (18:46.198)
both my partner and I were incredibly terrified because my friend had died as a result of a complication of childbirth. And so we're like, oh no. And so, you know, that was a really hard road, a really hard road. But, you know, we looked for the joy.

Chelsea (18:49.601)
Mm.

Yeah!

Chelsea (19:07.362)
there was a lot of pressure to tell people too, to keep people happy and to like, be mindful of other people's feelings and that they felt like that people were supposedly entitled to know what was going on with us. And that was also hard because it's like, no, we're gonna share when we feel as ready. And like, quite frankly, we don't really wanna share with people because we haven't been receiving support. So that was challenging. Early on in my pregnancy, very first trimester.

Chelsea (19:11.172)
Mm.

Chelsea (19:19.06)
Right.

Chelsea (19:28.438)
Yeah.

Chelsea (19:37.366)
I started having migraines and that was one of the symptoms that she had experienced. It was an indicator. And so I was traveling back and forth between Vermont and the places that, you know, the place that they lived and I was trying to get prenatal care. I could not, I could not get any prenatal care. I would reach out to OBGYNs and I would reach out to the hospital and everyone would say, well, you have to go through an OBGYN first.

Chelsea (19:39.507)
Oh.

Chelsea (19:42.932)
Yeah.

Chelsea (20:06.86)
I can't like I need to see a maternal fetal medicine doctor. I'm a high-risk pregnancy I have complications and they're like no you have to go through ob-gyn And so I'd go through ob-gyn and they'd be like no you need to go to the hospital. You're too high-risk We can't deal with you and I'm like but they're telling me no and so I Like went to the hospital and called them and they're like well We need a referral and so I I'm I went back to my home state in Vermont got a referral

Chelsea (20:25.901)
Yeah.

Chelsea (20:36.84)
from maternal fetal medicine, met with them here, and then had them fax that referral over. I then hear, because there was radio silence for weeks, I then hear, well we can't accept out-of-state referrals. And so here I am.

Chelsea (20:51.471)
Oh my god.

Chelsea (20:54.766)
feeling so incredibly alone, terrified of these symptoms that I'm experiencing that were similar to my friends that indicated something was very wrong and unable, I was in second trimester at that point, unable to have a prenatal appointment. I did not have any prenatal care.

Chelsea (21:01.952)
Yeah.

Chelsea (21:15.403)
Oh my god, and you're into your second trimester. And at this point, you should have at least had like three. Yeah.

Chelsea (21:18.718)
into my second. Yeah, I didn't. I didn't. And so I looked at my partner and I said, we'll figure out how to make this work, but I'm delivering in Vermont and I'm gonna get all my care in Vermont. And he was like, all right, I get it, I get it. So.

Chelsea (21:32.469)
Yeah.

Chelsea (21:42.334)
I went and got care and I was hearing the same thing, hormones, it was probably your hormones, this totally happens in the first trimester. And it's like, but yes, I understand that. And I just went through this whole thing where I received messages from my friends saying this is what I'm experiencing. And I went and the doctor said this, and the same things are happening. And I'm like, no, I need care. They got so severe.

Chelsea (21:52.097)
Yeah.

Chelsea (22:13.048)
I ended up in the emergency room a couple of times and given my history of blood clot, like my family history of blood clots and a family history of aneurysms, I was able to get a CT scan. And finally, just before, just before going on the baby moon,

Chelsea (22:25.918)
Okay.

Chelsea (22:34.374)
And it came back clear. And so like that was a relief. But then I was having these weird episodes of, I would just randomly be doing something and then I would black out and pass out.

Chelsea (22:36.355)
Good. Yeah.

Chelsea (22:45.612)
Oh my gosh.

Chelsea (22:46.922)
Yep, like my heart would start racing, I would get super sweaty, and all of a sudden I would just black out. And people are like, well, are you having an anxiety or panic attack? And I'm like, no, I know what those are. Like, this is not it. This is not it. And so I was able to see, finally able to see a cardiologist. And there were some like abnormal rhythms and whatnot, but essentially I saw somebody and they said, actually this is common in pregnancy. Like your body is like having more

Chelsea (22:58.932)
Yeah, yeah.

Chelsea (23:17.756)
and trying to make up because the baby's in there. And so like when you stand up or when you're doing something, it like, you know, not only can baby push on nerves and vessels, but all this extra blood flow that your body's trying to accommodate for, your heart's working in overdrive and like it could cause you to pass out. And I'm like, okay, great. I guess I'm not dying. But like, you know, like you don't know.

Chelsea (23:17.78)
Yeah.

Chelsea (23:42.927)
It's still, that's terrifying, yeah.

Chelsea (23:45.374)
Yeah, you don't know. And so like that was just so hard, so hard. Second trimester felt fantastic, as like a lot of people say. Yeah.

Chelsea (23:56.612)
Yeah, that's the baby moon period. Yeah.

Chelsea (24:00.254)
Yep, I think it was about like, I was at 15 weeks when I finally stopped having, being so sick, so sick. And I had like a two week stretch where like I had no migraines and I had almost passed out in the TSA line on our way to our baby moon. But like during, during like the baby moon itself, like nothing happened, like it was so lovely. It was so nice. And it was also nice to like connect, right? Because we were still new in our relationship. The kids aren't around.

Chelsea (24:06.425)
Yeah.

Chelsea (24:11.459)
Mmm.

Chelsea (24:16.795)
Oh god.

Chelsea (24:23.448)
Yeah.

Chelsea (24:26.88)
Yeah!

Chelsea (24:30.228)
as much as we love them, but like it's really hard to like have deep conversations and really like get to know each other when you're doing the day-to-day things of like caring for kids.

Chelsea (24:39.664)
Yes.

Chelsea (24:44.158)
So we came back and then my third trimester came. And I'm like, okay. Meanwhile, I did not enjoy pregnancy. I had a lot of pain. I was uncomfortable. You know, I got very anxious every time the baby like kicked me.

Chelsea (24:52.611)
Yeah.

Chelsea (25:01.827)
Oh.

Chelsea (25:02.406)
Yeah, it was just so bizarre. I was like, oh, that feels strange. Like I don't like that I don't feel in control of my body. And that's causing me a lot of anxiety on top of all the medical components, right? And so I felt really out of control and I'm somebody who likes to have control. Yeah.

Chelsea (25:08.84)
Okay.

Chelsea (25:13.973)
Yeah.

Chelsea (25:20.648)
Same.

Chelsea (25:27.65)
And so, yeah, we ended up moving. So the things that people do in five to 10 years, we did all in a span of six months. So we were like, nope, we're gonna sell this house. And so we sold the house and then we bought a house and then we went on a baby moon. And then two weeks after that, we moved back to Vermont. And it was just a whirlwind. All while being pregnant, yes.

Chelsea (25:32.312)
Yeah

Chelsea (25:35.502)
Oh my gosh.

Chelsea (25:51.263)
All while being pregnant! Yes! Oh my gosh.

Chelsea (25:56.004)
littles too. Yeah. And so I think like that's also something to kind of highlight is like how difficult because we had this plan. We had this really intentional, thoughtful plan of how I was going to slowly integrate into the girls lives as mom. And now all of a sudden I'm living with them and I've jumped into mom mode and now I'm caring for two kids.

Chelsea (26:14.531)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (26:21.229)
Yeah.

Chelsea (26:24.906)
and now I'm parenting two kids. And that was a difficult shift.

Chelsea (26:33.108)
I can't imagine. I mean, and even with the fact that you, like you said, you always wanted to be a mom, this was not necessarily the path you saw yourself taking.

Chelsea (26:35.073)
Yeah.

Chelsea (26:42.19)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (26:46.738)
No, no, it wasn't. And I think there was unspoken, some spoken pressures and there's also internal pressures to do things that my friend would have done. And I'm like, and so like, I had to take a step back and say, whoa, I'm a completely different person.

Chelsea (26:58.255)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (27:04.952)
Mm.

Chelsea (27:10.922)
Like, it's okay that I'm not doing things the way that she would have. It's okay for me to do things my way. It's okay for us to have our own way of doing things. That wasn't how it looked previously. And so I sat in that for a bit. I had a lot of guilt around, like, feeling whether or not I was, like, living up to her expectations and, quite frankly, other people's expectations because it felt like I had really big shoes to fill.

Chelsea (27:21.583)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (27:34.59)
Yeah.

Chelsea (27:38.495)
Yeah, yeah, I can't imagine. Well, this is someone that you cared very much about. And yes, of course, of course. So you're putting pressure on yourself. Everybody else is putting pressure on you. You're also receiving a lot of negative feedback. Oh my gosh, that is the perfect storm for your mental health to just tank.

Chelsea (27:39.942)
really big shoes to film. Yeah.

Chelsea (27:45.45)
Yeah.

Chelsea (27:50.519)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (27:55.478)
You see?

Chelsea (28:01.79)
Mm-hmm. And it did. It did. Like, I faked it till I made it. Like, faked it till you make it. Like, I did a really good job at doing that for a really long time. But, you know, the pressure of feeling like I wasn't doing enough or I wasn't good enough on...

Chelsea (28:06.676)
Yeah.

Chelsea (28:19.55)
on top of having to process my own grief, because that's something that completely got lost in translation with people, was that people forgot she was my friend too. And so I also had my own grief to work through. And that was incredibly hard to hold both those things. Yeah, so that was challenging. I had my baby shower, which was love.

Chelsea (28:30.119)
Right.

Chelsea (28:34.368)
Yeah.

Chelsea (28:49.074)
lovely. And at the same time, I just found myself feeling sad that it wasn't who like, I'm so grateful for the people who showed up and it wasn't necessarily who I thought would be there. Like I couldn't stop thinking about the people who weren't there and thinking, what did I do wrong? Like this is something that

Chelsea (28:57.058)
Yeah.

Chelsea (29:09.344)
Mm.

Chelsea (29:14.294)
people have been begging and wanting for me. It's like, wow, I just hope you find someone who treats you right. Like, I just hope that you find happiness. And it's like, I finally found it. And then some of the feedback I also got was, well, it wasn't long enough since your last relationship, which it had been, it had been time. It had been over a year since, you know? Yeah.

Chelsea (29:33.947)
Yeah, well in circuit, like you said, it's a construct. Everybody's timeline is different. Yeah.

Chelsea (29:40.41)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, and so it was like I wasn't hitting these timelines that

people had for me, which I was like, who are you to say that this is a timeline for me or this is what's best for me? Like I'm an adult, can't you just trust that this is, this is, I'm making the right choices for me and like, celebrating the joy with me of like these joyous moments or what are supposed to be joyous moments and you know, that wasn't the case for a lot of people. That wasn't a case for a lot of people.

Chelsea (30:06.753)
Yeah.

Chelsea (30:13.163)
Which is, and we talk a lot about on the podcast and in the support group about the desperate need for community through pregnancy and postpartum. And holy crap, you lost your community. Yeah.

Chelsea (30:21.44)
Thank you.

Chelsea (30:27.254)
I lost a large part of my community. Yeah. Yeah, which, you know. So not only do I have to look, I mean, I had, don't get me wrong, I had a great handful of people that were in my corner that stuck with me throughout this and that have been kind of, you know.

my saviors in a lot of ways of like, thank you. Like, thank you for being there, for loving me unconditionally and accepting, you know, my life as it is and supporting me through. And if they had opinions, like they kept it to themselves and they still supported me. So yeah, that was my tribe. And also...

Chelsea (30:51.092)
Yeah.

Chelsea (31:09.079)
That was your tribe.

Chelsea (31:14.482)
I had lost community. I was looking to try to build a new community. I was parenting two kids that I did not anticipate on parenting at this point in time. And all of these pressures and grief and, you know, the hormones of pregnancy, in and of itself. Yeah, yeah, it was just, it was really hard. It was really hard. And so, yeah, I'm trying to think, like the next thing.

Chelsea (31:23.283)
Yeah.

Chelsea (31:30.963)
Yeah! That alone!

Chelsea (31:45.278)
uh my partner and I ended up going to have maternity photos done and just before the maternity shoot.

He was like, well, we have some time. Why don't we go to your favorite place, your favorite place that you've been telling me you wanted to go to? And I'm like, all right. And so I brought him to my favorite place because we were getting our photos done down there. We went to Warren Falls. That is my absolute favorite place in Vermont. And so we went there and he's like, well, I wanna...

Chelsea (32:15.375)
Please.

Chelsea (32:21.522)
I wanna go see, you know, down by the water. And I'm like, oh, all right. And I'm like, I just got my hair done. I'm doing my makeup. And I felt so bad in this moment. Like, he was like, oh, can I have a kiss? And he was trying to be super romantic. And I was just not having it. I was like, no, like, you're gonna ruin my makeup. Like, I don't want you touching me. Like, I just got my hair done.

Chelsea (32:26.231)
Oh

Chelsea (32:37.557)
Yeah.

Chelsea (32:43.979)
You're also super pregnant and you're like, leave me alone.

Chelsea (32:46.062)
I'm super pregnant. I am like seven and a half months pregnant, almost eight, and he wants me to hike down this hill and hike back up. And so he was acting super weird while we were like down by the water and then we get back up to, you know, you know, the spot where we were.

Chelsea (32:55.916)
Hahaha!

Chelsea (33:07.99)
He was just like, is this a good spot? Is this a good spot? And I'm like, what are you talking about? I'm catching my breath. Like, I'm like sweating and just irritable and I'm like very pregnant and just not feeling good. I turn around and he's down on one knee. And I'm like.

Chelsea (33:13.007)
I'm gonna go.

Chelsea (33:24.075)
Yeah.

Chelsea (33:26.286)
Okay. I was like, I'm so sorry. I was not like in the mood and like, did not make it easy for you. So he asked me to marry him. I said yes. We got our maternity photos and they were so beautiful. And then it was, that was on a Wednesday or Thursday, Sunday.

Chelsea (33:27.5)
Yup.

Chelsea (33:35.552)
Ugh.

Chelsea (33:40.277)
Yeah.

Chelsea (33:54.654)
night, I go out to dinner with my friends that I'm really close with and who I've been really supportive and showed them that I was engaged and that like, you know, we celebrated that and I wanted to see them before, you know, the baby came and there was all these things so like, you know, we were just getting together and partway through dinner I started having really awful pain.

Chelsea (34:07.371)
Yeah.

Chelsea (34:23.119)
Hmm.

Chelsea (34:23.738)
in like my side.

And it got to the point where I was just so uncomfortable. I was constantly shifting in my seat. And we ended up going outside after dinner. And I'm leaning over the hood of the car. And I'm like, I'm so sorry. I'm just not feeling well. They're like, you don't look okay. I'm like, I don't really feel okay, but it's probably just gas pain. And they're like, okay. And it got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I'm like, I'm so sorry.

Chelsea (34:50.103)
Mmm.

Chelsea (34:56.98)
short like you know I'll text you when I get home they're like okay please do halfway

you know home on the drive I was gasping for breath because I was in so much pain it was taking my breath away in my side and I start you know I called my partner I'm like Jeremy like there's something wrong like I can barely breathe and I'm in so much pain and he goes do you think you're in labor I'm like no I don't think so and he's like okay well let's just come home and like reassess I'm like okay so I got home

Chelsea (35:08.623)
Oh my gosh.

Chelsea (35:29.965)
Yeah.

Chelsea (35:33.67)
And within like three hours of being home, I looked like I was laboring. Like I was so uncomfortable. I was in the bath. I was panicked because I'm like, this can't be happening. Like, baby's not due for another five weeks. Like this can't be happening. And he's like, I think you're in labor. And I'm like, I've never given birth before, but I don't think I'm in labor. I think it would feel very different. Like something just doesn't feel right.

Chelsea (35:39.251)
Oh man.

Chelsea (35:48.385)
Yeah!

Chelsea (36:00.202)
He's like, you need to call midwives. And of course we're both panicked at this point, but like the elephant in the room is like, the last time someone gave birth, they died. And so like we have.

Chelsea (36:10.412)
Right.

Chelsea (36:19.087)
It's okay.

Chelsea (36:23.918)
So we're both panicked but not trying to worry each other. And I call them in wives and I am a stubborn person. Like I had gone undiagnosed with lupus for several years. It was written off by a lot of doctors about my symptoms. And so I could tolerate a lot of pain.

Chelsea (36:30.965)
Yeah.

Chelsea (36:45.066)
it was stubborn. I would downplay my symptoms. That's something that you learn to do as a woman in the medical system is that you learn to downplay your symptoms because people don't believe you or then they start talking about it being a mental health diagnosis or that you're attention seeking. That wasn't the case for me at all. I downplayed my symptoms and while I was calling on the phone with the midwives and I'm like, yeah, something

Chelsea (36:47.563)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (36:51.156)
Yes.

Chelsea (36:59.523)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (37:14.66)
I'm okay, but I'm not sure." And they're like, oh you should come in. And I'm like, yeah, no, I don't really want to come in. Like I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon. And they're like, no, you should really come in. And I'm like, no, I'm going to wait it out. And they're like, we don't think you should. But if you develop XYZ symptoms, like you need to come in immediately. And I'm like, okay.

Chelsea (37:19.147)
Yeah.

Chelsea (37:40.426)
So I waited it out all night. I did not sleep well. I was not, yeah, I was just, I was terrified. Like I think there was a part of me that was in denial that there was something wrong. And there was also part of me, right.

Chelsea (37:42.143)
Oh my gosh. Yeah.

Chelsea (37:50.007)
Well, you didn't want there to be something like, like if I don't, it's like the la la. If I don't hear it, it's not real.

Chelsea (37:56.262)
Yeah. And then there's also like the part of me that was like, but then I would have to acknowledge something was wrong. And then like, what if something is seriously wrong? And then, you know, what if I die? Like that's, that's where, you know, we go at this point in our lives is like we associate my partner and I associate like birth with trauma and death. And so, you know, I waited.

Chelsea (38:05.933)
Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

Chelsea (38:20.998)
went to my appointment and explained the pain, you know, and they're like, okay, well, we're going to go send you for some labs. And I'm like, they're like, but we're going to put you up in labor and delivery for that. I'm like, no, why can't I just do outpatient and go home? And they're like, no, like this isn't normal. And I'm like, but they're labs. Can't you just call me back if something's wrong? Like I want to go home. And

Chelsea (38:37.406)
Yeah.

Chelsea (38:49.726)
And they're like, no, we're going to send you up to labor and delivery and you can do labs there. It's probably nothing. You'll probably go home tonight. So I go up to labor and delivery, explain everything, get my labs. After that is done, I mean, I'm there for hours, right? I'm in this like emergency room type triage room with the curtains, so I don't have a private room. And I'm like, what is going on here? Yeah, here for hours. And then they come in and they go.

Chelsea (39:05.984)
Yeah.

Chelsea (39:12.771)
Oh, I remember it well. Yep.

Chelsea (39:18.682)
So we're going to do a 24 hour urine collection. And I'm like, okay. And they're like, well, we just want to make sure like, you know, they get out preeclaptic or anything. And I'm like, okay. And they're like, you can take it home. What not they set me up to have it. I'll go home with me. My labs came in and they go, actually, we're going to have you stay overnight. And at this point I start.

Chelsea (39:22.201)
Mm.

Chelsea (39:33.696)
Okay.

Chelsea (39:39.861)
Mm.

Chelsea (39:42.126)
crying and I'm like something's wrong and they're like no it's just precaution like don't worry they definitely downplayed it um but I think they did that because they recognized how anxious I was and how nervous and I was very clear with all my providers like what had happened and why I had so much anxiety around birth um and so uh

Chelsea (39:48.608)
Yeah.

Chelsea (39:52.405)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (40:00.024)
Yeah.

Chelsea (40:04.33)
you know, I stayed over and I called my partner and I was like, they're gonna get me a room. They told me I'm probably gonna go home tomorrow, but like, can you just be here? So he called his parents and they made the drive and they came the next day. I think they stayed with my parents that first night who were local. And then his parents came and then we waited and waited and waited. And they're like, we're gonna repeat your labs. We're gonna repeat your labs. And so like, I think like other people who have been in this situation,

that they just keep repeating your laps throughout the day. And I'm like, okay, I don't know what is really gonna change within like four hours, but okay. And so we kept hearing, you're gonna go home. You're gonna go home. Well, I didn't go home.

Chelsea (40:38.317)
Yeah.

Chelsea (40:50.628)
Hmm.

Chelsea (40:51.55)
And they're like, all right, well, we're going to put you over on the mother and baby unit because we don't have enough places. And so like there was all of this like switching me into different rooms at like 12 o'clock and at night and then like one o'clock and three o'clock in the morning because they needed to make room for other people. And I was just kind of holding this space and like I didn't really know what was going on at that point because I was like, you guys don't seem concerned. You keep telling me I'm going home, but then I don't go home.

Chelsea (41:04.055)
Oh my gosh.

Chelsea (41:20.299)
Yeah, they haven't really given you any sort of like results from your labs or anything. They're just, we're monitoring you.

Chelsea (41:25.394)
No, they like, oh, yeah, they're monitoring me. They give me some results, but it's very vague. Like, oh, it's starting to look like you might have preeclampsia, you know, all these things. And meanwhile, I start swelling. And I mean, it got to the point where I was unrecognizable. I had swelled so much in my face and my partner's like, you don't look like yourself.

Chelsea (41:38.319)
Mmm.

Mmm.

Chelsea (41:46.47)
And I'm like, I don't feel like myself. Like something just doesn't feel right. And then they started getting concerned with my blood pressure. And then it was like every four hours, I was being woken up to have my blood pressure taken. So I wasn't getting any rest. And you don't get any rest in the hospital anyways. But like I had such terrible pregnancy insomnia. Like before that, like I was exhausted on top of like, now I had time to think about all the things that people were saying to me.

Chelsea (42:04.655)
No.

Chelsea (42:15.852)
Yeah.

Chelsea (42:16.824)
and about us and like perseverating on that and being like what am I doing and what is going on with my body? And so Wednesday morning they come in and they go, okay, well, we're going to keep you one more day and then you'll get to go home. Thursday rolls around and I start developing, you know, spots in my vision and a severe headache and migraine.

Chelsea (42:35.368)
Ugh.

Chelsea (42:44.86)
Oh man.

Chelsea (42:46.234)
And I'm like, something isn't right. And one of the midwives come in and they just take a look at me. And they go, we're going to get the doctor in here. And so they repeated my labs again. The doctor came in. And they go, so you're looking like you're pre-eclamptic. We're going to probably induce you at 37 weeks. I said, OK, great. Not what I wanted. But I can prep. I got two weeks to prep. I can do this.

Chelsea (43:07.89)
Right.

Yeah.

Chelsea (43:13.71)
And that was Thursday and they go, okay, you'll be discharged tomorrow.

So tomorrow morning rolls around and I am not feeling well and they're repeating my labs. And then all of a sudden, you know, they come in and they go, you're gonna have a baby. And I go, what, when? They're like, and we're gonna induce you in an hour. And I go, what, what? And now I start crying and panicking. Sorry, one second, I just have to.

Chelsea (43:46.947)
That's okay.

Chelsea (44:13.526)
So sorry, we are going on date night tonight after this and our babysitter was calling. Yeah.

Chelsea (44:17.018)
Oh, you're totally fine.

Chelsea (44:22.295)
Totally fine. It's actually, it's our date night tonight too. We don't go out anymore though. We can't do that. So yeah, my husband's out getting our food. So I get it, date night. And I won't keep you past our time. So you're gonna have a baby today.

Chelsea (44:29.37)
Yeah!

Chelsea (44:35.574)
Yes, yes. No, no, you're fine. You're fine. You're totally fine. So they're like, you're gonna have a baby today. And I just start crying and sobbing. And I'm like, no, she's too small. Like, we can't do this. And they're like, it's okay. Like, it's okay. She's gonna be okay. We have like...

the NICU here, we have everything that you need. And I'm like, no, like, I had a whole plan and like, this isn't the plan. And I'm like, everyone told me everything was fine and I was going home and now all of a sudden I'm having a baby. I was not okay, I was not well. There was a lot of, a lot of anxiety, a lot of confusion, a lot of panic. And.

Chelsea (45:08.883)
Yeah, not- nothing has been going to plan for you.

Chelsea (45:16.157)
Yeah!

Chelsea (45:20.137)
No.

Chelsea (45:27.85)
I like looked at my partner and I'm like, all right, I gotta get it together because I am gonna have a baby. And so they got me into my own room. And you know, at that time, they said, all right, well, we're gonna induce you, but unfortunately you have severe preeclampsia. And I'm like, okay, what does that mean? And they go, well, we're gonna put you on the magnesium drip.

Chelsea (45:34.529)
Yeah.

Chelsea (45:49.753)
Mm.

Chelsea (45:54.959)
Ugh. Oh.

Chelsea (45:55.282)
No one explained anything to me. Nothing. Meanwhile, and they're like, we're gonna start Pitocin. I'm like, but like, I don't want that. Like I had this plan that I was gonna work with like the doula and that, you know, all these, and they're like, oh, and with the magnesium, like you, you're gonna be bed bound. And I'm like, what?

Chelsea (46:15.423)
Yep.

Chelsea (46:17.65)
I'm like, no, I was going to use water. Like I had all of these interventions and like had this whole plan of like what I'm going to do because I don't want medication and I want to be able to have like a natural birth and I want to have all these options. And all of a sudden that all went out the door and they said, and by the way, you can't have a doula. And I'm like, what? And so all of my options were taken away from me. Meanwhile.

My partner is texting one of my best friends who had gone through something similar and as they were putting the IV in and putting the magnesium drip on, sorry the magnesium drip, she said you know make sure you tell them you do not want the magnesium drip right now and it was too late. It was too late and so he had shared that and she ended up coming, thank goodness, she ended up coming to the hospital and staying with us because at that point both of us were quite panicked.

Chelsea (46:59.953)
Oh, yeah.

Chelsea (47:12.493)
I'm thinking too about your partner. Like this must have been so triggering for him. Yeah, yeah, and you.

Chelsea (47:17.614)
Uh-huh. It was. It was. It was. Yeah. And I'm like, oh no, like here, here I am having a baby, but you know, we got to do this. And for anyone who doesn't know, I like, I didn't know this because this wasn't even explained in any of our prenatal classes. Magnesium kind of makes you delirious.

Chelsea (47:29.997)
Yeah.

Chelsea (47:41.346)
Yeah.

Chelsea (47:42.55)
very incoherent. And so like I was saying things that I don't remember saying and my partner was like, no, like you were saying some, sorry, you were saying some crazy things. And I'm like, like what? You know, and there was like this shame too, like you were bedridden. And so I had to have somebody help me go to the bathroom and I wasn't allowed to go to the bathroom in the bathroom. I had to go on the commode in the middle of the room.

Chelsea (47:54.326)
Hehehehehehe

Chelsea (48:11.742)
And so there was something that was so vulnerable about that to me that I was like, no, like I want to go to the bathroom. Like just help me go to the bathroom. And they're like, you're not, we can't, it's against rules. Like here you are. And I'm just like, not knowing how to process any of this that's happening and feeling so incredibly vulnerable and uncomfortable. And

Chelsea (48:39.661)
Yeah.

Chelsea (48:41.474)
concerned and anxious and be like, well, what am I, what am I gonna do now? Like I have no interventions, I'm bedridden.

Chelsea (48:44.34)
all the things.

Chelsea (48:53.81)
It was really hard. And something that I did take away from prenatal class was every intervention that they use, you're more likely to have a C-section. And so the time had come when they were like, do you want an epidural? And I was like, I don't want the epidural, but can I have the option of having it and not using the medication in the event that I need a C-section? And they said, yes, absolutely.

Chelsea (49:19.904)
Okay.

Chelsea (49:20.414)
And so I ended up with an epidural and they broke my water. And, you know, it sounds so strange, but I felt like I was made to labor. Like I...

Chelsea (49:35.481)
Wow.

Chelsea (49:36.938)
rocked it in the sense that like, you know, my partner was like talking with my friend and then they would like, I would be talking and then I would be like, Oh, just one second. And then just like rocking back and forth. And they're like, are you having a good traction right now? Then looking at like the paperwork in the screen and they're like, you are and they're like, do you need help? I'm like, I'm good. Like, I'm fine. And, and then I start the conversation again, like pick up where we left off. Like there was just something that was so primal.

Chelsea (49:46.904)
Ha ha ha!

Chelsea (49:54.226)
Yeah.

Chelsea (50:00.783)
Oh my gosh.

Chelsea (50:06.242)
innate and natural that I was just like I felt made to birth a baby and it's so strange saying that and I am sure other people who have been you know who have birthed babies also feel that way yeah

Chelsea (50:13.9)
Yeah.

Chelsea (50:25.047)
I mean, I certainly didn't, but I've talked to plenty of people who have.

Chelsea (50:30.71)
Yeah, it just felt like I could do this. And I was so focused. Like at that point, I was so focused on making sure that like I was having a baby and that she was gonna be fine. That nothing else really mattered to me at that point. But I also anticipated on her not arriving till the next day. And then, you know, the team came in and they go, so...

We've been watching and we're a little concerned, you know, baby's heart rate keeps dropping and like, it's just not, it's not great. And so they're like, we want to put a fetal monitor on. And I'm like, oh, so you're going to do this. And they're like, no. And I forget what it's called, but they do the one where they like, they put it on the head of the baby.

Chelsea (51:20.288)
Yes, yup.

Chelsea (51:22.11)
And so I'm like, no, I don't want that. And they're like, but we're concerned. And I'm like, all right, well, on a scale of, social worker here, I'm like, on a scale of one to 10, can you tell me how concerned you are? And they're like a six. And I'm like, oh, okay. Like, all right, fine. And so like, you know, they put it on and I.

Chelsea (51:31.207)
Yeah!

Chelsea (51:43.905)
Yeah.

Chelsea (51:45.214)
At this point, the magnesium had kicked in. I didn't really know what was going on. I had lost all sense of time, all sense of time. And so it had been close to 12 hours since I was told I was being induced, that I found myself, you know.

Chelsea (52:00.138)
Yeah.

Chelsea (52:03.842)
feeling pressure, I'm at five centimeters, and I'm like, yes, like five centimeters, I'm halfway through, the baby's gonna be here, like, okay. And then like, I'm like, okay, I can work with that, like, okay. And then I see the entire team come in. And I just remember looking over and saying, just tell me right now. And they go, we need to go for a C-section.

Chelsea (52:21.597)
Oh God.

Chelsea (52:27.412)
Yeah.

Chelsea (52:32.65)
And I go, what? No, I'm like, no, don't I have this option? And they're like, no, and we need to go now. And I'm like, no, I need five minutes. Like, can we have five minutes to talk about this? And they interjected and said, no, this needs to happen now. And so they hand me the advanced directive.

Chelsea (52:51.051)
Ugh.

Chelsea (52:51.922)
and it becomes surreal and like I start crying and I'm sitting there talking with my partner, not totally coherent with things, like trying to process there's something wrong with the baby. They're like, this is like this is dangerous. Labor is not okay for baby anymore. And I'm like, what? Like, how could that be? And then, you know, getting, getting the advanced directive and having

Chelsea (52:59.488)
Right.

Chelsea (53:08.28)
Yeah.

Chelsea (53:21.856)
the conversation of like what would my wishes be if like I was I was to die during childbirth or if something was to happen and so we hurried up and did that as everyone was being prepped for surgery.

Chelsea (53:23.127)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (53:36.373)
Yeah.

Chelsea (53:37.606)
And then I remember crying and I remember seeing my partner break down crying. I'm like, this is... I'm like, am I going to be okay? I just kept saying, am I going to be okay? Am I going to be okay? Am I going to be okay? And they're like, yes, you're going to be fine. You're going to be fine. And you're fine. He's like, it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay as he's crying. And I'm like, something isn't telling me that I'm actually going to be okay. And that something is like, wrong. Something's really wrong. But it didn't seem that way. It felt like there was so much downplaying.

Chelsea (54:07.554)
Yeah.

Chelsea (54:07.8)
That there was actually something wrong And I wonder if like part of that was because they saw how anxious I was and didn't want it to be worse But like I just felt like not included or like not in control of my body and definitely not Versed in my options

Chelsea (54:27.641)
Right.

Chelsea (54:29.046)
And so they wheeled me down into the operating room and my partner was supposed to be in there within like 15 to 30 minutes. And they said, great, you have an epidural, like let's start pushing the meds through. They pushed the meds through and they started doing their tests and like, can you feel any of this? I'm like, yeah, I can feel that. They pushed the meds through again and they did the test and they're like, can you feel this? Can you feel it? I'm like, yeah, I can feel that.

And they're like, all right, like, we're going to try this again. And so they push more and more meds through. And I hear the anesthesiologist walk away. And one of the one of the people say, is it going to work? And he's like, we're going to find out. And I'm like, I'm like, I'm still here. Like, I don't.

Chelsea (55:16.521)
Oh my god!

Chelsea (55:21.334)
There's a lot that's going on that I don't necessarily understand, but I hear that and like I know that that's not okay. Like why would you say that in front of a patient? What does that mean? And so they come back and they check me and they're like, can you feel this? I'm like, yes, I can feel that and they go. All right. We're going to have to do general anesthesia and I'm like what I start crying.

Chelsea (55:29.429)
Yeah!

Chelsea (55:49.286)
screaming on the table. I'm like, please give me a spinal tap begging please give me a spinal tap. Please give me a spinal tap. And all I hear is there's no time for you or the baby. And I'm like, what and I start panicking and screaming. Am I gonna wake up? I want to see my baby. Am I gonna wake up? Am I gonna wake up?

Chelsea (56:02.256)
Oh my god.

Chelsea (56:17.546)
And my partner comes in and it had been 45 minutes, closer to an hour. No one had told him what was going on. And I see him walk in and I'm screaming, they're kicking you out, they're kicking you out. And he goes, what? And then the doctor's like, yep, it's not working, we need to do this now, it is like emergency. And they kick him out of the room. And I think the hardest part for me.

Chelsea (56:24.449)
Yeah.

Chelsea (56:32.745)
Ugh.

Chelsea (56:49.31)
out of all of this was that like we didn't get to see our daughter born.

Chelsea (56:53.741)
Yeah.

Chelsea (57:04.761)
So there's a lot of grief associated with that.

Chelsea (57:10.202)
um a lot of anger a lot of anger and sadness um that we weren't there when you came into the world

Chelsea (57:13.281)
Yeah.

Chelsea (57:19.303)
You were you were removed from so much of your birth experience and

I mean...

Chelsea (57:35.531)
What I'm, what I, what I am getting from this whole, like there's more to the story, I know, but taking this moment to acknowledge, like, you were robbed of the joy of your pregnancy because other people couldn't understand it. You were robbed of the joy of your pregnancy because you had an association, an association of losing your friend through.

through her pregnancy and her birth and you were experiencing similar situations and you were robbed of your options in childbirth through no fault of your own because medically things just didn't work out and you have, it is, again, I'm preaching to the choir, you're the mental health professional here but so valid and so, so like,

I can't think of the right word. Of course you would have this deep grief and this deep sadness. This is not how you envisioned entering into motherhood at all.

Chelsea (58:45.322)
No, not at all. And it was like the one and only experience I truly wanted was to be able to hear my baby cry and meet them. And I did not get that. I did not get that. And like my last thought, like my last thoughts were how could I do this to him again? How could I now leave him again?

Chelsea (58:54.368)
Right.

Chelsea (58:58.199)
Yeah.

Chelsea (59:12.252)
Mmm.

Chelsea (59:12.746)
with kids all alone before I was put under. That was my last thought.

Chelsea (59:20.274)
They said that the procedure was going to be in and out 30 minutes. It was an hour or so and my partner had told me no one came and got me. I was left worried that like you or the baby did not make it. No one had informed him and finally he found a nurse and said, I haven't been updated. Like I was told she would be back in 30 minutes. What is going on? They're like, oh, like let's go, you know, I'll go find out for you.

Chelsea (59:30.736)
Ugh.

Chelsea (59:48.582)
I had unanticipated more bleeding than what I was supposed to have or what they want for someone. So it took much longer. It took much longer because there was so much blood loss.

Chelsea (01:00:06.668)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:00:07.446)
and the baby they said was going to be completely lethargic with all of the medication that had been pumped through me and with the magnesium. So I finally got out of surgery and my friend, I'm so grateful for my friend who was there because she captured the moment that

Jeremy held their baby for the first time. And I look back at that photo and I'm like, it's all worth it. Seeing that photo, I'm like, it is all worth it. But I don't remember meeting my baby. Like I don't remember the first time I met my baby because of the magnesium. And from being so heavily sedated with the medication from anesthesia.

Chelsea (01:00:30.787)
Ugh.

Chelsea (01:00:42.173)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:00:55.634)
And so I thought I was gonna go home within like two days after having her. And by a miracle of the universe, she did not need to be in the ICU. Like she did not need to be in the NICU. She was just a tiny little bean, but everything was fine. She didn't she didn't need extra support. And so like, I'm really grateful about that. But I ended up.

Chelsea (01:01:07.603)
Oh wow!

Chelsea (01:01:14.129)
Uh.

Chelsea (01:01:24.622)
with like uncontrollable blood pressure. Excuse me. What they later told me, so it was well over a week that I was in the hospital from start to finish. And so what they had told me had happened was that I had developed severe preeclampsia and help syndrome.

Chelsea (01:01:27.886)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:01:38.129)
Mm.

Chelsea (01:01:51.092)
Oh my gosh.

Chelsea (01:01:53.034)
Yes, and when they did the dissection of my placenta, I had three blood clots in there. And so at any given time, like the baby could not have made it. You know, our daughter, you know, and I was, I had no idea, I had no idea.

Chelsea (01:01:59.799)
Oh my gosh.

Chelsea (01:02:05.547)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:02:09.415)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (01:02:15.378)
And I'm just like, okay. And then also, you know, they're like, and then you're okay to go home. And I'm like, wait, what? Like, I almost.

what feels like died. You told me there was no time for me or my baby and it needed to be in an emergency C-section. And my blood pressure is uncontrollable and you keep giving me all these different meds and you keep saying, okay, tomorrow, you can go home and like, all right, you can go home now. I'm like, how am I supposed to know I'm not gonna have a blood clot?

Chelsea (01:02:27.072)
Right.

Chelsea (01:02:47.937)
Right.

Chelsea (01:02:48.03)
and die? How am I supposed to know that like my blood pressure isn't going to get so high that I'm going to end up having a seizure or a stroke, which is what you were concerned about this entire time and didn't tell me? Like how am I supposed to know I'm actually going to be okay to go home when you all acted as if I was okay?

Chelsea (01:03:09.625)
Right.

Chelsea (01:03:09.954)
but I really wasn't okay. They're like, oh, you'll be fine. And if you have any symptoms, call us. And I'm like, okay. Okay. Yep, yes, yeah. And then I got home. I did not anticipate what was to come when I got home. Like at all. I had severe postpartum anxiety.

Chelsea (01:03:16.131)
Oh God. Yeah, cause you've got all my trust right now.

Chelsea (01:03:39.634)
And I didn't know this was a thing, even as a mental health professional. I didn't know this was a thing, but postpartum OCD. I had no idea. Yeah. And I'm like, what?

Chelsea (01:03:51.639)
I've got it too. And I would venture to guess that you also have PTSD from the experience. Yes.

Chelsea (01:03:57.834)
Yes, I do. I do, I do. And so, I, for whatever reason, like thought I'd probably have postpartum depression after having like anxiety and depression throughout life.

Chelsea (01:04:12.502)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:04:14.266)
I was not prepared for any of this. So our daughter was so little that breastfeeding was not an option. Her mouth was too small. We had to finger feed her with a tube when she came home. And my partner was like, I've done this before, but I've never had a baby this small.

Chelsea (01:04:32.436)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:04:33.35)
And so like, I felt like I was gonna break her and I could just not get the feeding and the nursing down. And I felt like a complete failure because I'm like, I felt like, you know, birth was for me and I could do this. And now all of a sudden, like I can't provide food for her. Like what is going on? And everybody talks about how you can get like donated milk from the milk bank. Nobody tells you how expensive it is.

Chelsea (01:04:57.467)
Yeah... I... Yeah, I was gonna ask. I've always wondered.

Chelsea (01:05:04.278)
It was like $17 an ounce. And so like we spent hundreds of dollars for two days worth of milk. And I'm like, that's not sustainable for us. Like we can't afford that. And so like we were finger feeding her and the anxiety creeped in where it was like, I just kept having intrusive thoughts that I was going to die. And not only that, I had intrusive thoughts that she was going to die. And so any noise that she made,

Chelsea (01:05:06.361)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:05:10.764)
Yeah.

No.

Chelsea (01:05:34.106)
I instantly started crying and hyperventilating and told myself the story that she's going to choke on her vomit and she's going to die. There's something wrong with her. And wow.

I was not ready for that. And you know, my partner was like, she's not going to choke and die. And it doesn't matter how many doctors I saw and told them the same thing. And they said babies aren't babies don't do that. Babies like are made to like turn their head and vomit. If like that's the case, nobody could make me feel better or put that intrusive thought to at ease. I could not stop. And it was like

Chelsea (01:06:03.744)
Right.

Chelsea (01:06:18.162)
any crying, any sound, any rustling in her bassinet. I was hyperventilating and could not function. Just an absolute

mess and I couldn't go to bed at night because I told myself if I went to bed at night, you're going to miss something and she's going to die and you're going to wake up and you could have prevented that. And so I could not sleep. And so here I am sleep deprived, trauma, feeling like I almost just died, like having these health issues because the symptoms didn't stop once I got home. And now, no, no. And, and now

Chelsea (01:06:46.388)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:06:54.947)
No, it doesn't just disappear.

Chelsea (01:07:02.862)
caring for the tiniest little baby I have ever come across and just feel like I don't know what to do and that she's gonna die and that I'm gonna do something wrong. And it got to the point where like, I didn't trust my partner to take her because I would have intrusive thoughts that the moment he was shut the bedroom door.

he would trip and fall on his robe and he would drop her and she would die or that she would end up like with a brain injury. Like I just told myself the most absurd scenarios and my brain just went with it and no matter how many times I reality checked that and use all the skills that I have as a clinician.

I just could not get myself to stop thinking about it. And like that felt like a fail to me, right? I was like, I'm someone who's highly skilled. I'm trained in this mental, in like mental health. Like how is it that I am struggling this badly? And like, it got to the point where the anxiety was so bad, I could not let him leave the house because I was like, you're gonna come home and I'm gonna be dead or the baby's gonna be dead.

Chelsea (01:07:53.774)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:08:08.382)
And not because like I had no thoughts of like harming the baby. Or it was something bad was going to happen. And I would cry and panic if he said he had to go to the store. And I was like, you need to call someone to come here to be with me. Cause I can't do this. And I just, it felt like there was no end in sight. None.

Chelsea (01:08:08.605)
Wow.

Chelsea (01:08:12.783)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (01:08:26.765)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:08:35.562)
And so I... No, go ahead.

Chelsea (01:08:35.799)
how, yeah, I was gonna, no, I was, you were, I have to be careful sometimes because I wanna give you that space to think about your next thought, but I also like.

What, what, what got you through those moments when you felt like it was time? And isn't that the hardest thing to hear when you're in it?

Chelsea (01:08:57.289)
It was time.

Chelsea (01:09:02.415)
It is the hardest thing. And it's like, you know, I tell this to my clients and patients, right? But when you are so in it, and I mean, this was absolute incapacitating.

anxiety that I have never experienced before. I could not function. I was like, how am I going to send her to daycare? How am I going to go back to work? Like there just seems no end in sight. And so I worked with this amazing psychiatrist. It was like trying to be proactive. And I was, I was concerned about like the dosage that I was getting of like benzodiazepines as like somebody in the mental health field. But they're like, what we're concerned about is that if you

Chelsea (01:09:18.593)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:09:41.955)
Yep.

Chelsea (01:09:47.564)
this anxiety under control, you're gonna crash so hard that you're gonna fall into deep depression. And I did. I did. I didn't notice it.

until like three weeks in and then my partner noticed it and he's like, so I'm a little worried about you. Like, I, you know, do you think you probably have depression? And I'm like, yes, but I don't understand why because like I should be happy. And like, I don't have any thoughts of like harming my baby, but like, I just, I'm just at a loss. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. And they put me on medication.

Chelsea (01:10:15.251)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:10:29.437)
for the depression.

and I fell into a deeper depression with the medication and I started having intrusive thoughts of suicide. Not that I ever wanted to hurt myself, not that I ever had a plan, but I had intrusive imagery thoughts that I could not control and I'm like, there's something wrong. I was like, this isn't me. I need to get off this medication immediately. And so, you know, that was about two weeks in and that's what they usually tell you is like the two week mark, right? Like if you notice things are getting worse to call. And so I did. I mean, this is what I tell patients all the time.

Chelsea (01:10:40.221)
Right.

Chelsea (01:10:56.237)
Yes.

Yes.

Chelsea (01:11:02.844)
And so I was like, this is not what I want. Like I want to be here. Like I'm happy to be a mom. And despite all of the depression, all of the anxiety, I still found joy in like getting up with her at night and being able to spend one-on-one time with her and just hold her. And so like, that's what I told myself is like, what I think is gonna get me through is that like.

Chelsea (01:11:19.692)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:11:27.49)
I'm not in such a bad spot that like I don't have any hope that you know like that I'm finding joy despite how hard this is. I'm still finding joy in moments to like really appreciate being with her. And but that's what it is. It took time right. It took time and seeing the right medication. But like

Chelsea (01:11:32.298)
Right.

Chelsea (01:11:45.391)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (01:11:55.416)
Yes, which is its own journey.

Chelsea (01:11:56.694)
Yeah, it is it is but like time and seeing time again and again that when I put her down at night She's not gonna choke and like, you know, she's not gonna choke on her own vomit She's she's gonna be awake in the morning That like any sound she makes she's just a baby Just like sounds we make or stretching that we may like that we do like that's that she's just being a human and that Okay

Chelsea (01:12:22.403)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:12:25.258)
But I felt a deep sense of shame. And with that came also the social obligation of people don't really focus on mom and what mom might need. They just want to come and see the baby. Or I would have people say, well, it'd be really nice to see you. We really want you to come down. And it's like,

Chelsea (01:12:38.966)
Yes.

Chelsea (01:12:47.506)
I didn't tell anybody about my experience because I was in the thick of postpartum anxiety. I developed postpartum OCD, which I was like, I don't have that. And then the psychiatrist is like, but you're going to check on her over and over again. You're checking her breathing. You're asking your partner to check on her. And while that doesn't seem like the normal rituals, as people would say, they are, like that's repetitive behavior in this. It is OCD.

Chelsea (01:13:12.543)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:13:16.714)
And I'm like, you know, so I'm in, I'm in like the throes of this and trying to comprehend like the trauma that happened and the constant feeling on edge of like, am I going to die? Is something going to happen to me today? Is something going to happen to her? Um, with the pressure of like, you know, my people saying, well, you need to bring the baby to go see so-and-so and it's like.

I don't have to bring my baby to see anybody and like I'm not obligated to do that and like you're not asking how I am. You know like I don't even like that person like why are you making me feel like I have to do this. It was just really hard and there was no guidebook and very few of my friends had gone through.

Chelsea (01:13:47.015)
No.

Chelsea (01:14:08.254)
anything similar to this. And then of course, there's that sense of lost community. And oh, wow, I'm still grieving the loss of my friends. And now and now I find myself parenting, not just two kids, but three. And that being a newborn, given that, you know, that our middle kiddo was three months old when I stepped in, but like,

Chelsea (01:14:13.441)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:14:19.713)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:14:29.091)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:14:34.283)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:14:35.834)
And then the other thing was I did not understand why I was experiencing this because I had done with babies all my life in various ways and had been with our middle kiddo since she was three months old and I was like, I don't understand how I could feel this way and think these things when I've done this with other people.

Chelsea (01:14:41.655)
Right, right.

Chelsea (01:14:57.218)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (01:14:58.198)
But it is different. Like it is different when it like biologically with the hormones and everything that's going in your body. Like I just, I was not prepared for any of that. No, no. And it's like that doesn't, you saw that I had like thoughts of like, what does that mean I think about?

Chelsea (01:14:59.892)
It's different.

Chelsea (01:15:12.779)
Because it's not talked about. No.

Chelsea (01:15:22.646)
you know, are too oldest differently than I do our youngest. And like I kept going, I like, I tortured myself for a long time about that. And like, that's not the case. Like I, I finally accepted that this is my body and the hormones and chemicals are just out of control. And that does not mean I feel any differently about our newborn compared to our other two. Like that, that's not what this is, Chelsea. Like that is not what this is.

Chelsea (01:15:30.599)
Yeah... No.

Chelsea (01:15:49.77)
No.

Chelsea (01:15:53.862)
But it did, it took time and I'm a lot better now. I would say that there are some things that make me anxious. Like we ended up getting COVID and the baby got COVID and I panicked around that.

Chelsea (01:16:05.88)
Yeah, I understandably.

Chelsea (01:16:08.648)
any kind of colds that they come home from with daycare. I get anxious and I'm worried that it's RSV because our middle kiddo had RSV at six months and was very, very sick.

Chelsea (01:16:25.622)
But again, it's like these social pressures, like these outside pressures of like how you're supposed to be and like what you're supposed to be doing and like you're not making everybody happy by the way you're acting or not acting. And like, you know, you didn't take the baby out of the car. Like what's wrong with you? Like I wanna see the baby. How can you not know that's hurtful? And I'm just like, I'm just trying to get through the day to day like.

Chelsea (01:16:35.225)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:16:53.242)
I don't want to take the baby out of the car because if she starts crying, I'm going to start crying and you're not going to know that, but that's what's going on for me. Yeah, yeah, you are. And that's not anything that anyone talks about. And there's like this deep sense of shame and like all the things that happened that didn't go the way I had hoped, including breastfeeding and.

Chelsea (01:16:59.903)
Yeah, you're in survival mode.

Chelsea (01:17:18.87)
you know, even like the mental health components. And while like I am certainly at a different place than what I had been, you know, a week postpartum, I'm still really struggling to leave her with anybody. So there's only been a few times where I like have been without her. Like she's coming on our date night tonight because I'm not ready to leave her. Yeah.

Chelsea (01:17:33.869)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:17:42.215)
Yeah, well, I think it's important to note too, she this wasn't that long ago. She how old is she now? Yeah, yeah, I want to, I want to like make it so clear to you and to listeners like this is fresh for you. This is and I, I don't want to, I don't I can't even think of the right word. It is incredibly brave of you.

Chelsea (01:17:47.262)
Yeah, it was only four months ago. Yeah, it was four months.

Chelsea (01:17:57.891)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (01:18:10.103)
to be sharing your story at this stage of the process because it's so fresh. And I hated when people said that to me. I hated when people said, you're so brave, you're so brave. So if that hits you and it doesn't feel nice, I really apologize. I just want to, I want to, I want to give you that power and let listeners know.

Chelsea (01:18:30.82)
No, it's okay.

Chelsea (01:18:39.607)
how much respect I have for you, for being so vulnerable and willing to share it while you're still in it.

Chelsea (01:18:47.494)
Yeah, thank you. And like, no, I don't, I don't have any kind of visceral reaction to that at all. I think, you know, what I shared with you earlier before we started was that I'm on the other side of it, right? Like, I'm usually the other person who is like asking someone to be vulnerable. And now I find myself in the position where I am being vulnerable with people and opening up. And if anything, you know, I just, I want people to know that they're not alone, that it's okay, that

Chelsea (01:19:03.923)
Right.

Chelsea (01:19:16.738)
pregnancy is not something that you enjoyed because I didn't enjoy most of pregnancy for a lot of reasons like physically and because I felt robbed of a lot of things, right? Like we kind of like, you know, holidays, we commercialize it and make it this thing that it really

Chelsea (01:19:27.455)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:19:34.176)
Yes.

Chelsea (01:19:38.106)
isn't and nobody talks about that and so I just want people to know that one it it's okay that you don't enjoy it. Two, like don't be afraid to ask for help there's no shame in that and like you can have all the tools in your toolbox and you can still struggle and that you know really

Chelsea (01:19:55.212)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:20:03.45)
you deserve to be surrounded by people who unconditionally love you and support you. And if people can't do that, they don't deserve a seat at the table. Like I think about like my daughter and the kind of role model, all of our daughters, we're blessed with three, three girls, you know, is like I want to be a role model to them. And so I don't.

Chelsea (01:20:14.452)
Amen to that.

Chelsea (01:20:22.61)
Heheheheheheh

Chelsea (01:20:32.55)
I would never want them to accept that kind of treatment from people.

Chelsea (01:20:41.03)
And so it's setting the example of like, if people are on board, like it needs to be like a shit or get off the pot kind of situation. And if they're not on board, they're allowed to have their own feelings. But if they're not on board and they can't get past that, they don't deserve to be part of your community. And

Chelsea (01:20:49.152)
Yes!

Chelsea (01:21:02.366)
It's okay to grieve a lot of things because I think there are a lot of things to grieve in pregnancy for a lot of people and it's okay for it to be a grief process. But that's also something that people don't really talk about, which is why I'm so grateful that your podcast exists because it has helped me tremendously prior to birth and after the fact.

Chelsea (01:21:22.963)
I'm so glad. I'm so glad that we were we were able to sort of help you feel seen. Um, I want to be super respectful of your time. So I'm gonna I know I'm gonna so I well and I'm half worried that my husband's gonna come storming in soon too. Well, um, but and it's date night for you. But

Chelsea (01:21:36.726)
That's okay. Whatever questions you have though, I'm happy to answer.

Chelsea (01:21:47.547)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:21:51.271)
This is these episodes are so tough because I could keep going with you for I could keep going and going and going I'm gonna do my best To round it out And to have us come to a good conclusion spot while also honoring That whole story. Um So it is a lot. Um So Okay, so this is what i'll do

Chelsea (01:22:01.614)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (01:22:08.914)
Yeah, yeah, it's a lot.

Chelsea (01:22:19.487)
So you've listened to some of my episodes. You know that I usually end on one of two questions. You just answered one of them absolutely beautifully. The question that I like to ask sometimes is, is what would you like my listeners to take away from your story? You just gave a beautiful explanation of that. And I also love that it's something that you're instilling in your girls. That sense of like, if they're not there for you, they don't deserve a seat at your table.

and you do you and you advocate for yourself. I love that and it's okay to grieve. So that's not gonna be your question. Your question, I think nothing could have prepared you for the journey that you took into parenthood. And like you said from the start, it-

Chelsea (01:22:58.058)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:23:15.367)
It came from the most unlikely of places, your journey, and it started in a place of grief, and that grief carried through.

Chelsea (01:23:27.931)
you're gonna know the words, but if you could go back in time, way back, all the way back, and instill something within yourself that you could arm yourself with. You can't tell yourself what you're going to experience, but you could, whether it, for some people, it's a mantra, for some people it's a feeling, for some people it's a prayer.

What would you instill within yourself to get you to where you are now?

Chelsea (01:24:01.206)
Mm-hmm. That's a really great question. I think there's probably two components to that. I spent a lot of time after my abusive relationship focusing on living authentically and unapologetically being your authentic self and being so assured that is enough. And if people have a problem with that, like,

Chelsea (01:24:14.961)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (01:24:28.63)
they don't deserve any kind of airtime in your mental space, in your heart and in your spirit. And that's something that I lost sight of during pregnancy because I was just so unprepared for it to be this difficult and full of like a lot of grieving really. And getting caught up.

Chelsea (01:24:49.761)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:24:58.046)
within my own internal dialogue in comparison, right? And so if I could go back and prepare myself, that would be one of the things that I remind myself because at times I really needed to be reminded by someone that wasn't me. And I did have that every now and then, but I wish I had that belief instilled.

Chelsea (01:25:02.561)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:25:27.394)
deeper within me before that if that makes sense. I think the other part would be rest and don't avoid, don't do things to avoid not feeling because um.

Chelsea (01:25:28.323)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Chelsea (01:25:37.408)
Yes.

Chelsea (01:25:46.014)
something I did not do was rest. Like I was up doing the dishes, I was up doing laundry, I was up doing things after my C-section. And it was all to avoid thinking about what had just occurred.

Chelsea (01:25:57.603)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:26:05.734)
And so that's what I do. Like I know, know thyself, right? Know thyself. It's like, that's what I do. It's like, I keep myself busy to kind of forget everything else that's going on. And like, you know, I care for other people and I often forget to care for myself. And so get like, listen to what you need. Rest. If give the baby to somebody.

Chelsea (01:26:11.106)
Yes!

Chelsea (01:26:29.422)
so you can go nap and don't feel bad about it. Like take the medication if it's what's gonna make you sleep because I really need to sleep and I didn't get it.

Chelsea (01:26:43.83)
to know that there is an end in sight and that like, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how hard it gets, there is light at the end of the tunnel and it always gets worse before it gets better. And what I have now is incredibly beautiful. I have a partner who loves me. I have amazing children.

that challenged me to be a better version of myself every day. And I am living the life that I wanted. I always wanted a family. I always wanted someone that treated me well, and I wanted to be able to do all the things that bring me joy. And I'm able to do that.

Chelsea (01:27:28.778)
But I'm able to do that because I'm able to give myself some rest. I'm able to give myself time that I'm able to listen to what I need and advocate for what I need. And you are your biggest advocate. And if you don't advocate for yourself, tell someone else what you want and make sure that they're there with you. I think that's probably what.

I probably needed to hear the most because I'm a great advocate for other people. I'm a social worker. Like, you know, I can do that. But it became really hard to advocate for myself in the midst of like these medical models and systems. Yeah, that's what I would say.

Chelsea (01:28:03.686)
Yeah.

Chelsea (01:28:14.991)
Yeah. Well, it's hard. It's hard to end an episode like this because what an incredible, I use the word incredible. I don't even know if I wanna use that word. What a journey you've been on. And I am so-

Chelsea (01:28:35.414)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea (01:28:41.559)
happy to hear you say the words that you are living the life that you wanted and that you can see that now and Again, I i've been talking a lot about this duality in life where it's not this or that it's this and that so Yes, you grieve the loss of your friend. You grieve you grieve everything that you went through and You find joy and glimmers and hope

And that's what's so powerful and what so many of our birthing people need to hear and need to know. They both can exist. Yeah.

Chelsea (01:29:20.214)
They can. They can exist. Everything can coexist. It can be true. Many things can be true at once.

Chelsea (01:29:28.459)
Yes. Yep. I want to again, thank you so much for reaching out to me for sharing your story. It is deeply touched me and I know it is going to deeply impact my listeners. And I just, I'm

I'm here for it mama. I'm glad you're local because like I this I am on board now I want to I want to see you shine like I want to see you live your best life like this. I don't know I just I want to reach through the screen and give you, I'm a hugger. I just want to give you the biggest hug right now, but. But thank you. Oh my gosh, please, please. But, um, yeah, I hope.

Chelsea (01:29:54.466)
Thank you. Yes, yes.

Chelsea (01:30:03.59)
Hehehehe

Chelsea (01:30:12.174)
Thank you. Thank you. I'm sure we will get together sometime soon. Yes.

Chelsea (01:30:21.547)
You enjoy date night tonight. I hope you get some good rest. And again, just, you're not alone.

Chelsea (01:30:23.702)
Thank you. Yes.

Chelsea (01:30:30.902)
Thank you. Thank you for providing the space for so many. It's so needed.

Chelsea (01:30:36.375)
Thank you for saying that. I'm gonna push stop. No, I.

Chelsea (01:30:38.978)
Of course. Okay.