Quiet Confessions, Episode 3: Asking for Help (When You’d Rather Do Anything Else)

In this solo mini-episode of Quiet Confessions, Chelsea shares a raw and relatable story about parenting while navigating a chronic illness flare. With their usual support systems unavailable over a long weekend, they open up about what it took to ask a friend for help—despite shame, fear, and deeply ingrained beliefs about being a burden. 

From popcorn dinners to parenting fails, Chelsea gets candid about the emotional and physical toll of solo parenting with a disability, the inner voices that make asking for help so hard, and the radical act of giving yourself grace when your best doesn’t look perfect. 

Whether you’re parenting through illness, exhaustion, or just one of “those” weeks—this one’s for you. 

Transcript

Chelsea Myers (00:00)
Hey, it's Chelsea. I'm back for another episode of Quiet Confessions. Little mini episodes where I share my own journey with you. 30 minutes or less, you and me and my phone. I'm not even using my good mic and my recording stuff because that's all upstairs where my kiddos sleep and that is exactly what is supposed to be happening right now. So I am solo parenting.

as I'm recording this for the weekend, the long weekend and it's, it's been especially challenging. So I wanted to kind of take this opportunity to talk a little bit more about what it means to be a disabled, chronically ill parent and how I navigate that.

when I have support and how I navigate it, when I don't. And these past couple of days have challenged me, you guys. It was kind of like the perfect storm. And the supports that I could usually rely on were not available to me. And that's okay. That's life. That's going to happen. But I wanted to talk a little more about how I navigated it because...

The things that I did and the things that I'm doing, They're not specific to just people and parents who are dealing with chronic illness or disability. I mean, any single parent can tell you how challenging it is to manage all of the daily activities for yourself and your kids. And then if you're sick on top of it, like,

Yeah, I giant hugs and all of the love to single parents truly, truly know how any of this would be possible without a support system. So if you are a single parent and you do not have a support system, I am sending you so much love. I know that doesn't do a lot in the ways of helping ease the burden, but

My wish for you is that you have or can create a village of people that you love and trust to help support my parents were divorced, so single mom, single dad, split time. And as an adult myself now with two kids and a partner, I truly don't know how either of them did it. And I mean, that comes with a lot of

Side stories and rabbit holes that we're not going to go down tonight, but We are going to talk about how I navigate parenting as a disabled person and a chronically ill person So we'll start with my perfect storm which was yesterday and it was the day that my husband had to leave for the long weekend and I had a flare day

so for anyone who is unfamiliar with chronic illness, or the term flare day or flares in general, it's when your symptoms are escalated to a point where you just can't carry out everyday tasks. Self-care goes out the window. so for me, my symptoms are,

Well, they vary, but what my symptoms were yesterday, I had been up since 2 a.m. with a migraine. The migraine was making me incredibly nauseous. I was lightheaded. The pain was so horrible. Nothing was touching I was taking my Tylenol and my ibuprofen every six hours on top of, I take some homeopathic stuff as well because I get chronic headaches. And usually,

That and sleep will take care of it, but that was not the case yesterday. I could barely function and I did not have my husband. My in-laws who are usually my next go-to for support were there away for the weekend as well. They're in a different state. Usually they're just a 35 minute drive away, but they were off on their own long weekend.

And so then my next step is usually my mom and my stepdad. And they were not available either for similar reasons. They were at the same function that my husband is at for the long weekend. And that's kind of where my support stops in terms of like, if I can't care for myself and my toddler.

my older kid is in school during the day and she's really, really good about if I'm having a flare day, she can pretty much take care of herself. but my toddler cannot. And so when I am so sick like that, I, need support, which has been, it's been a long road. It's been a long road for me to be able to ask for help, but I'm getting pretty good at it. But everyone in my like chain of who do I call?

Everyone was gone and I had no idea what I was going to do. So I took a step outside my comfort zone and I think that's really relatable for a lot of parents. You have the people that you know you can rely on and you have the people that you're comfortable with asking for And when you have to step outside of that, it feels really, really scary.

For me in particular, it makes me feel like a burden. It makes me feel like an inconvenience. Thoughts that were going through my head when I was, so to backtrack a little bit, I had one person in my mind that I said, I know that I can ask this person for help. I know that this person has told me in the past that they are always available. This person is an incredible parent. This person is someone who I truly, truly enjoy.

spending time with and calling a friend, but it's not someone that I'm able to spend a lot of time with, and that goes for a lot of my friends, because of just my health and whatnot, I really don't get out much. And that's its own thing. But, so knowing that I was going to need to step outside of my comfort zone to ask for help,

I knew that this person, that this friend would say yes if she was available. I knew she would. And I knew she'd have no problem with it. And I knew that she would take incredible care of my daughter. And I felt 100 % safe having my daughter with her and her daughter, their little, their buddies. They've known each other since they were very, very little. They don't spend a lot of time together and that's on me. That's because I can't really get out much.

Despite knowing all of those things logically, I stared at my phone and I was petrified. I was petrified to text her because I felt ashamed. I felt like a burden. I had thoughts in my head like, well, you've offered to hang out and then have had to back out at the last minute, or she has asked if you wanted to get together and you say you can't.

And all of those instances are true and valid and that's just where my life is right now. But there was a part of my brain saying, you can't ask her for help. You're not a good friend. You're not a good friend. You can't ask for something if you can't give something in return. A lot of that is conditioning. A lot of my life growing up, nothing.

I hate this term, but it was repeated to me over and over again. Nothing is handed to you. The reason I hate that term is because I believe in compassion and I believe that if you can help someone, you should help someone. And that's what I do. And that it doesn't need to come with terms and conditions, but I am so conditioned to believe that if I ask for help, it means that I

owe someone something or I need to be deserving of that help. So I sat there and I stared at my phone for way longer than I should have. And when I say stared, my eyes were closed and my toddler was luckily playing with magnetiles. But I was in so much pain and I knew I knew I couldn't I couldn't take care of her in the way that she needed me to take care of her.

So I did voice to text. took me a good 45 minutes of talking myself into it. And of course, she immediately texted back said, hey, I'm not going to be home right away, but can absolutely Avery. That's my daughter. I can take her. And if you need me to come pick her up, I can do that. And whatever you need. She was...

So accommodating and so understanding just like I knew she would be but I almost felt like crying and I do think that that's something that a lot of parents in general struggle with that asking for help for me I Didn't ever before all of all of my health issues after having Avery

Prior to all that, asking for help was not something I did. And if I did it, whew, boy, I felt like I had to justify and make contingency plans and I just, didn't do it. It's not something that I did. Since my health has deteriorated to the extent that it has, I have had to learn.

that help is okay and that I am deserving of help.

I've had to learn that am worthy and deserving of support and help just the way that I am and

It's not easy, but there are things that I have learned and techniques that I use like coping skills that make it a little bit easier. So like I said, I have my sort of like chain of command in terms of my typical supports. Like if something happens and I have to go to the hospital, which ends up happening more frequently than I would like.

We know who we will call and we know who will be here for the kids or if I have a flare day I know who I will call and I know that they will either come be with me or they will come pick up my toddler until I can sleep off the worst of my symptoms It also means Knowing my boundaries and knowing my limits some days. I push myself further than I should and

It's... I was going to say it one way, but that's incredibly judgmental. So I'll tell you how I was going to say it. And just keep in mind that I know that I don't deserve to be spoken to this way, even by myself. But I was going to say that my limits are so ridiculous and that the point to which I get completely worn out and wiped out and sick...

is by doing the most simple things. going up and down the stairs, completely winded, tunnel vision. I used to love, I still do, love mowing the lawn on the riding mower. We have 10 acres of field and I love, love, love mowing. Mowing the lawn for the first time this season took me out like I had the flu.

when I finished, was shaking. I was dizzy. I was nauseous. I couldn't catch my breath. I was laid up in the chair for the rest of the day and into the next day. I had a cardiac event while I was cooking a pot of soup a couple of weeks ago. And it's just, it is ridiculous the extent to which

I am hindered by my current medical situation.

But that's not silly and it's not stupid. And it's none of the things that hear in my head when I think about it. I'm not very kind to myself. I'm not very kind to my body. I'm not very kind to me. And it's funny because I have so many connections that I've made through Quiet Connection.

and so many families and so many moms and so many dads and so many parents who are in very similar situations that I am in. And I get it. I get it. And I can always relate and I always tell them how much I feel for them. I don't know. I don't ever see them as undeserving or unworthy. But when I think about myself, I just think of, gosh, what?

What must people think of me when they see me? Or what must people think of me when I have to cancel plans again? Or like, I think people just probably assume that I'm lazy or I'm anti-social or I am just, I don't know. Think of something negative and I've thought of it about myself. When the truth is, I have no control.

I have no control over what's going on with my body right now. And I am trying desperately to get control. I am trying so hard to get every medical team that I'm working with on the same page and getting me on a path to thriving rather than surviving.

And I feel like I make baby steps, but right now it doesn't feel that way.

And I went down a lot of rabbit holes, but let's bring it back to being solo parenting while flaring. yay. Yay. So my toddler did go with that friend and she had an incredible day and she did very, very well. And when we went to pick her up, she was so happy and it was so nice to be able to talk to that friend just about how I was feeling and even how hard it was for me to ask her for help. And it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me.

Today I was still flaring. Luckily, my stepdad was around and my toddler hung out with him for a while today. And now I'm at the point where I've got my migraine mostly under control. And yeah, I'm still not feeling great, but I'm much better than I was. But with that said, I am not at my best.

I am not on my parenting game right now. So what did that look like? Last night, it looked like popcorn for dinner. They had some fruit and veggie pouches with them. But it was popcorn and movies for dinner. Tonight, it was chicken nuggets and tater tots. And that's actually not that abnormal. That's a pretty standard meal for my kids because they don't eat very much. My toddler eats almost everything, but.

That's an episode for another day.

I snapped. I snapped when they got too loud. I snapped when I got overstimulated. But I also explained myself. I also apologized. I asked my oldest for help. She's nine years old and she wants to help and she understands where I'm at. But I don't put all the responsibility on her because it's not her responsibility. My chronic illness and my disability is not her responsibility. But

She can help with things. She can get herself ready for bed. She can get herself cleaned up from dinner. And she can help her sister get pajamas on.

I guess this is a long-winded way of saying that while my experience right now in this season of my life is one of parenting through disability and chronic illness, that doesn't make my experience and my methods or my coping skills unique to me. There are so many parents out there dealing with things

that I can't imagine or that I can imagine and they're just not part of my experience. But we have to lower our standards when we need to rest. We have to lower our standards when we're in situations that are outside the norm. And I am only at the beginning of this long weekend. I still have two days to go. But I'm

I'm gonna be kind to myself. Am I probably going to lose it a couple of times if not more? Yeah. yeah, I can guarantee that. But I can also guarantee that I am going to process. I am going to apologize when I need to and explain things when I need to. And I'm gonna go slow. And you can do that too.

Whether you're a solo parent, whether you're a single parent, whether you have a partner or many partners, one kid, two kids, seven kids, there are going to be circumstances in your life that are going to feel impossible. like parenting is the last thing that you want to be doing. And that's okay. It's okay that I feel that way. It's okay that I feel scared. It's okay that I feel

frustrated. It's okay that I feel incredibly exhausted because this isn't forever.

But that's where I'm at tonight. So with that, I'm going to go make myself a cup of tea, read a couple of chapters in my book. I'm reading Fourth Wing right now. The second book, I think. I don't remember what it's called, but I'm really into it. If you're reading that, send me a message. If any of this resonated with you, seriously, my DMs are open.

on all of my social media accounts. I want to hear from you. I want to hear what resonates. I want to hear what you want to know more about. And even if you just want to say hi, I want to say hi back. So from me to you, this has been Quiet Confessions, and I'll see you next week.