Quiet Confessions: Psychiatric Hospitalization Part Eight

What happens when the "help" feels just as terrifying as the crisis itself?

In this week’s Quiet Confession, Chelsea pulls back the curtain on one of the most complex parts of their postpartum recovery: the medication journey. From the first prescription of Ativan to the "zombified" feeling of antipsychotics and the grueling cycle of withdrawal, they share the raw truth about finding a balance while fighting to survive.

This isn't a medical advice segment; it’s a seat at the table with a friend who has navigated the "medication carousel". Chelsea discusses the shame of dependency, the physical toll of rapid medication changes, and the ultimate triumph of finally working with a team that sees the whole person rather than just the symptoms.

Key Takeaways

• The Complexity of Benzos: Understanding the fine line between a necessary "as-needed" medication and the unintended cycle of withdrawal and dependency.
• The Waiting Game: The frustration of the six-to-eight-week "therapeutic window" for many psychiatric medications while in the midst of an active crisis.
• The Physical Toll: Navigating side effects like "floating through jelly" or permanent facial twitches while trying to maintain the duties of parenthood.
• Advocacy is Key: The importance of finding a provider who aligns with your long-term goals and understands your unique biology. 

This episode discusses topics that may be triggering for some individuals. Please check the show notes for more information and be mindful of your own mental health and comfort levels.

Visit our Patreon to help support our mission to normalize the conversation and end the stigma surrounding PMADs!

Transcript

Chelsea Myers (00:00)
Hello! Welcome back to another Quiet Confession, a little mini episode where you and I get to share some time together. And we are continuing on our series documenting my postpartum psychiatric hospitalizations. I am hoping to wrap up my portion of the series in 10 episodes, so that would leave two more after this one.

And when I left you last, I had documented my experience with the Zulresso infusion and my discharge from UNC. And I thought today I would talk a little bit about my medication journey as a whole, because I've alluded to it several times in confessions and

in blog posts and here and there with certain guests, but I've never really gone into detail. And in terms of a content warning, I'm not going to name every single medication. I may not name any of them. I may name a few of them, but I have found when reading other people's accounts or even reading fiction or watching television shows,

Hearing the names of the medications that I've been prescribed throughout this whole process has been triggering for me and I really don't want to create that worry and anxiety for anyone else. So I'm going to be mindful about that. There are a couple of medications that I may name specifically because they are important to understand.

my journey, but I'm going to be as careful as possible when I approach this topic. And also it's nobody's business, But you'll understand a little better as we as we get into it. In terms of the timeline, let's just say we are on December 11th, 2022, because

That was my first morning home after being discharged from UNC Chapel Hill in North Carolina. So I was back in Vermont for the first in almost a month. And I was very disoriented. I was still really wanting to go back. And the thing that ties all of this together, and this is a medication that I'm going to name,

⁓ But from the very, very beginning, from very shortly after my youngest was born, throughout my hospitalizations and a little bit beyond was Ativan. And Ativan is a benzodiazepine, which there are a lot of thoughts and feelings about benzodiazepines, and I have a lot of

thoughts and feelings about benzodiazepines and just so we're fully clear and 100 % transparent, I am still on a benzodiazepine. It is not Ativan. Straight out the gate, I'm gonna let you know that it is my biggest goal out of everything that started after having my youngest. My biggest goal is to

get off of benzodiazepines and never ever ever be on them again. But ⁓ anyone who is familiar with them will know that that is an incredibly hard thing to do and it takes a lot of time. So I'm prefacing this whole medication episode with that because it's pretty critical.

⁓ So yeah, so let's go back in time before my hospitalizations. And when the anxiety started to amp up, this was when I was convinced, I don't even know if I went into full detail about this, but we can talk about it another day, but I was, my baby was only like,

a couple of weeks old and I had convinced myself that she was having seizures and that she had an incredibly rare seizure disorder. ⁓ And like I called her pediatrician, her pediatrician had sent us to the emergency room. The emergency room sent us to pediatrics and she did an overnight EEG and all of these things.

This is, I mean, things had started to spiral before that, but that was like the tipping point where I went to my primary care physician and I said, I can't function like this. I'm not sleeping. I can't eat. And he prescribed me I love my PCP. I love my doctor's office.

I trust my doctor, this particular encounter I think could have been handled differently. But at this point, I'm in this limbo between do I go see my OB, do I go see my PCP, or do I wait on this referral that I have to meet with a psychiatric, postpartum psychiatric nurse practitioner.

practitioner. All in the meantime, I can't function as a human being, let alone a parent. So he prescribed me Ativan. I had heard of it, but I did not know what class of pharmaceutical it was. I did not know anything about benzodiazepines. I did not know that they could become highly addictive or that you could

become dependent on them. ⁓ I didn't know the long-term side effects of them. I honestly just thought he was prescribing me a medication for my anxiety, similar to other medications that I had taken in the past, which were actually antihistamines, and it's very common to prescribe those, but those were not doing anything for me anymore. And so it said on the bottle, take every six hours as needed.

I needed it every six hours because of how severe my mental health crisis was. So yeah, I took it and it helped. And I found that I could sleep and I could eat. And so I kept taking it. I knew that I couldn't drink alcohol or do anything like that when I was taking it, but that was fine. I don't really drink.

so it was helping. And then I had a follow-up just a couple of days later. And he asked me how things were going. And I said, this is great. Like the Ativan's really helping. I'm taking it. I mean, I'm getting up in the middle of the night to take it, but I want to make sure that like, it's, I'm able to take it every six hours. And he kind of stopped me and he goes, well, you shouldn't be taking it.

every six hours unless you need to. And I was like, ⁓ well, I mean, I kind of need to, because when I don't take it, I'm right back to where I started. And he said, okay, well, why don't you try to only take it if you need to, try to back it down a little bit, and you have your, your consultation with the

postpartum psychiatric NP and see what she would like you to do. I said, I kind of just brushed it off as okay, it's just a prescription, it's just like anything else and I'll back it down. And I did back it down because I'd only been taking it for a couple of days, but my mental health deteriorated again. I did meet with

virtually with the postpartum psychiatric nurse practitioner who started me on an anti-psychotic. She did tell me to keep the Ativan in case of emergencies. And I believe at the time I was still taking an SSRI, which I have been, I had been taking an SSRI since I was in my very early 20s. ⁓

I should have taken meds so much sooner, but I was resistant. But that's a whole other story. Anyway, so was still on my SSRI and I was taking an antipsychotic, which made me feel a lot of feelings. ⁓ The first day that I took it, I was completely zombified. Like I remember going to the shoe store with my husband because he needed new boots and the kids needed new shoes.

And it felt like I was floating through jelly. And I felt completely just detached from reality and like I was going to fall asleep, but I also couldn't fall asleep. And I was like, I don't, I don't know if I can do this. And we both were like, okay, let's just give it some time. that sort of wore off within a day or two.

And I did find myself being able to function. I was still pretty hyper aware of everything, but I could eat. I could get up and do most parenting things. I still couldn't do night shift stuff. I don't think I did more than maybe one or two night shifts.

after having my youngest, it was really with the support of my husband and my in-laws. My in-laws took shifts living with us. But the medicine also made me tired. ⁓ So, and I'm not sure at that point, there was another medication that I was put on and it may have been at the same time, but I'm not sure. ⁓ But that specifically, it was for anxiety.

but it also, you were supposed to take it at night because it was like a sedative. It knocked me right out. When I took it, I mean, it would be like waking the dead. ⁓ So I did not do any night shifts. So I'm on these medications. I would joke all the time, like self-deprecating jokes about how I'm psychotic, I'm on anti-psychotics.

That's not to stigmatize them at all. was because I held this internal, like, fear of what is wrong with me that I have to be on antipsychotics. I was on those. I was on my SSRI. Things were okay for a couple of weeks. And then they tanked again. And just as they tanked, we switched me off of the SSRI onto a different medication.

⁓ and still taking the antipsychotic.

and the Ativan as needed. And that was when I had my first big crisis where I went to the ED and then would eventually be transferred to my first psychiatric hospitalization. At that point, I had only been taking the new medication for a couple of days. And once I was hospitalized,

They immediately changed almost every single medication, but kept the option of Ativan. So Ativan was still available to me as a PRN, which basically means when you need it, you can take it. So Ativan is still floating around in my life, and I'm finding, like I, in my journal, I'm actively saying over and over again, like, I don't want to take it, I don't want to take it, and then at the end of the day, it's like I took it, and I felt such a sense of defeat.

So they switched up all of my medications. And for anyone who's unfamiliar with any form of psychiatric medication, ⁓ benzodiazepines are pretty fast acting in terms of like you don't have a waiting period. But SSRIs, SNRIs, sometimes some antipsychotics, it can take six to eight weeks for these things to see full therapeutic effect, which means.

you're in a waiting period to see if this medication is going to work or not. And so I had just switched around meds. I'd only been on the antipsychotics for maybe a month at most and this new medication for a couple of weeks. And then they just went and switched everything. It put me on at least five different medications. And I was only in that first facility. I mean, it wasn't very long.

And I was sent home with all of these prescriptions and the schedule that I, when I needed to take them, one of them was to lower my heart rate and blood pressure. And the other one would make me drowsy. And the other one would, I don't know, it was for so many different things. And we all know I went home and was only home for 24 hours before I was back on a plane.

to North Carolina. And when I got to North Carolina, they did their assessment and they changed my meds again. So all of these brand new meds that I had only been taking for, I'm going to estimate, tops two weeks. Took me off of them, put me back on the anti-psychotic that I was on before, still kept Ativan as a PRN.

and added back the medication that I would take at night that would make me drowsy and very tired.

I'm not sure if they added anything else at that point. It's very, very hazy. I have it all written down in my journal, but it's, really, going through it, it puts me in a really dark head space. So we're gonna fast forward. We're gonna go back to where I started you on December 11th, and I'm home for the first time in over a month.

from all of these experiences. And again, I have this urge. just, said, something's not right. I need to go back to UNC. It's 845. I've taken my meds. I don't want to take the Ativan. And then at 930, I took the Ativan. And I just wrote about the feelings of shame and guilt.

And yeah, the next day was the same. Woke up in a spiral, took an Ativan. Was talking to my nurse practitioner and she was going to make some changes to my meds again, but we weren't 100 % sure. At this point, the antipsychotic that I was put back on was causing me to have facial twitches and mouth twitches, which is common.

in antipsychotics and can be permanent. ⁓ It was not with me thankfully. But again, December 13th, first thing in the morning, took Ativan, not sure if I'm gonna need it again tonight or not.

December 14th, very hard day, thoughts are very loud, took an Ativan in the afternoon.

I mean it continues like this. The 16th took an Ativan first thing. Don't think I took it again that day. 17th, I think I held off. I fought through things as much as I could. 18th took it again. 19th hard day. Tried really, really hard to not take it but ended up taking it.

at the end of the day. The ironic thing about that day is I had a representative from Zulresso call me to see if I wanted to be an ambassador for the treatment. And I said, well, I'm probably not the best candidate for that because it didn't work for me. So they just very politely were like, okay, thanks for your time. ⁓ This pattern of.

just anxiety and fighting the symptoms and the meds just not quite hitting it and the shame of like giving in to taking an Ativan. It continued. It continued accepted into a partial hospitalization program, which I.

returned to after my final hospitalization, I only made it two days there. And even there, they started changing my medications again. So tapering off of one thing to get on another thing, switching up my nighttime med.

with directions on how to take it, monitoring my BP. I don't even know. I have a whole schedule written out on how I was going to taper off of things and adjust things. And then it was the holidays. So the partial hospitalization program was not open. And I was home. And

My oldest was sick and that's incredibly triggering for me just on a typical day. So December 23rd, 4 10 p.m. took an Ativan after not taking it for a few days. Christmas Eve took an Ativan. was the first year that I did not go to Christmas.

at my mom's house. My parents are divorced. I do Christmas Eve with my mom and Christmas Day with my dad. But I was so mentally and physically ill that I couldn't go. And I just, wrote, I need to be okay. I can't ruin Christmas for my kids. Christmas Day, 3 a.m., took an Ativan called 9-8-8, and talked to them for over an hour.

sitting in the living room while the rest of my family slept.

And December 26th, I was back in the ER and I would eventually be hospitalized again where they would once again change my medications except for the Ativan. Now at this point, I had been taking the Ativan inconsistently because I was trying to survive without it. What I didn't understand

was that I not only was going through mental health crisis, I was putting myself through withdrawal over and over and over again. My husband actually recognized it first, but the doctors at the ED were not confirming that. They were treating me honestly like I was a drug addict when I didn't even understand the medications.

that I was taking and maybe that was on me and it's not for lack of research in terms of all of the other meds my OCD had me deep diving into every single medication I was taking, all of the side effects, all of the long-term side effects, like ⁓ detox programs on how I could get off of these, thinking like they'd send me somewhere, like rehab or something.

I was so lost in all of it. And at that point, thinking about the Ativan, knowing that long-term it wasn't good for me, but not understanding that because I had been taking it off and on for so long, when I stopped taking it sporadically, I was going through withdrawal. And in the ED, waiting for a bed, that third and final time, I remember being in

incredibly anxious, collapsing on the floor, stomach pains and nausea, almost unlike anything I'd ever experienced, sweating, just completely not okay. And they were giving me like anti-nausea medications and nothing was working. My mom's with me at the time. My husband would come visit me at night and

I collapsed while my mom was there and my mom was saying, like, can't you do something? Like, what can you do? And they gave me IV Ativan and I slept for a little while. And my husband talked to me that night and he said, Chelsea, this really sounds like withdrawal. And I said, yeah, but the doctors are telling me it's not, so.

that

That will lead to...

an experience that I had while I was hospitalized in the psychiatric unit at the Bigger State Hospital, which was my worst, most dehumanizing, darkest period and the days following discharge from there, where they yet again changed my medications but kept the Ativan.

at the end of this entire process.

Again, I did partial hospitalization for real after being discharged from here, and I completed the program, and I even stepped down to an IOP before I was finally, finally discharged. My meds were changed again. We did find a good balance for the time. I switched from Ativan to a extended release.

benzodiazepine that I am still currently on today along with other medications that I am currently weaning off of. As of today, I have successfully weaned off of two of the psychiatric medications that I started with in my PHP program. And I'm very proud of that. I'm still working to get off

of

one of them and switch to something that's better for OCD. And then we will begin the long journey of hopefully getting off of benzodiazepines. And the psychiatrist that I work with now is amazing. She is so realistic. She has my goals in mind. We know that this is going to be a long process. We know that it's going to be bumpy.

My whole health issues lately have not only been physical because of my adrenal insufficiency and everything that comes along with that, but weaning off of one of these psych meds has also been incredibly challenging. So I appreciate your patience with me, with my quiet confessions and for showing up as best I can on social media. But at the end of that process,

I filled two and a half gallon sized Ziploc bags with all of the medications that I had been prescribed and taken off of and put back on and switched and those bags haunted me for a very long time until I finally gave them to my husband and told them he works

at the hospital or for the hospital. Actually, it's the College of Medicine. But I asked him to please take them into work and dispose of them ⁓ in the med safe disposal area. And he did that. And that was a day that we celebrated. But as of today, I am still on quite the myriad of medications. But most of them are for my disability and chronic illness.

I say I run on synthetics because I can't make hormones or anything on my own. Only a few of them are for mental health and my hope and my glimmer in all of this is that I am now working with a psychiatrist who understands what's going on with my biology and my physiology and my mental health and we are working to get me off of as many of the psych medications as I can.

so that I can function and be at a safe, therapeutic level and feel good about that medication journey. So it is still a journey. Currently, I am on the struggle bus, but it is a work in progress.

I feel like I condensed a lot of that and I think that's the only way I can do it, to be honest with you. It is complicated and it's going to come back when I talk to you about my experience and my final inpatient hospitalization for postpartum psychiatric treatment, I'll talk more about what the impacts of the Ativan

meant, what the rapid med changes meant, and what those experiences left of me during that time. But that's where I'm going to leave you today.

I for sure need to take some time for me to breathe, to reset, to refocus, and remind myself that this is a journey. So if you need to do the same thing, I encourage you to do that in whatever way feels best for you. Thanks for being patient with me. Thanks for always being here with me through this whole journey. I appreciate you so much. And I'll talk to you next week.