Sandra F. - Not Broken, Burnt Out

In this episode, Chelsea connects with Dr. Sandra Fernandes, a family physician turned burnout coach, for a candid conversation about how motherhood shattered her carefully planned life. Sandra opens up about her experience with multiple ectopic pregnancies, breastfeeding struggles, pandemic-era burnout, and the quiet expectations that nearly broke her.

As a physician, Sandra knew the risks. As a mom, she felt every loss. Her story is one of strength, identity shifts, and learning to sit with discomfort when the path forward isn’t clear. From navigating postpartum pressure to discovering nervous system regulation, this episode is a gentle invitation to slow down, get honest, and remember: you are not alone.

To learn more about Sandra, visit her website or Instagram.

🔑 Key Takeaways:

• Perfectionism and checklists don't prepare you for the emotional chaos of parenthood.
• Ectopic pregnancies are rare but deeply traumatic—Sandra experienced two.
• Breastfeeding challenges can consume the postpartum period and trigger feelings of failure, even in medical professionals.
• Burnout can be physical, mental, and emotional—and it often goes unrecognized until it’s overwhelming.
• Nervous system regulation and mindset work can provide real tools for healing, even outside of a clinical diagnosis.
• Social media can be both a blessing and a source of deep comparison and anxiety.
• The “village” doesn’t always exist—you have to build it, and it often comes from unexpected places.
• You are not failing. You are overwhelmed by a culture that asks too much of parents—especially mothers.

🔊 Soundbites:

• “Motherhood is a crash course in learning to let go of control.”
• “I didn’t have postpartum depression—but I wasn’t okay.”
• “There’s this whole group of moms who don’t meet the criteria for a diagnosis, but they’re still silently struggling.”
• “We say it’s just a season—but that doesn’t mean you have to suffer through it alone.”
• “Start feeling comfortable with the uncomfortable. That’s where the real growth happens.”
• “I knew all the things as a doctor—but I was drowning as a mom.”
• “It wasn’t until I lost my job during COVID that I realized I was already burnt out.”

Chapters

• 3:15 The Journey to Motherhood
• 8:17 Facing Challenges: Ectopic Pregnancy
• 13:56 Navigating Subsequent Pregnancies
• 18:56 Reflections on Motherhood and Control
• 35:32 Support Systems in Motherhood
• 43:45 Empowerment Through Choice
• 51:16 Finding Meaning in Chaos
• 1:03:01 Embracing the Uncomfortable

Transcript

Chelsea Myers (00:40)
Hello, today I'm here with Sandra. Sandra, how are you?

Sandra Fernandes (00:45)
Good, thank you so much for having me.

Chelsea Myers (00:48)
Thank you so much for being here. I feel like I'm on repeat lately, but Sandra is another guest who has been so flexible with me. as moms know that life is insane and we've had to play a little bit of a schedule tag, but we're here and we're doing it on a, we made it on a Wednesday morning. So I appreciate you being here. What I really love to do is ask my guests

Sandra Fernandes (00:58)
Yup.

We made it.

Chelsea Myers (01:16)
if they or you could describe who you are today, sitting here with me, and then who you were before your parenting journey.

Sandra Fernandes (01:27)
Okay, so I am a mom of two little ones and a dog mom. ⁓ We were just talking about our dogs. I am a wife. I'm also a coach for women who are silently struggling in the stress and overwhelm of the day to day, but wanna be able to do it all without drowning in it all.

And my background is as a family where I would see patients and a lot of my experiences there, along with my personal, know, mothering experiences really kind of where I'm at and what I do nowadays. And your question about who I was before, beforehand, right? And I love that.

Chelsea Myers (02:18)
Yeah.

Sandra Fernandes (02:22)
that phrasing because I think it kind of normalizes the fact that we can be different people before there's a pre and a post and that that's normal and we're not expected to like bounce back to the person we were because I think it does change you and that that's normal and that's expected and that's okay. I for one was very type A perfectionist overachiever.

Chelsea Myers (02:44)
You

Sandra Fernandes (02:47)
That's how I would describe myself. A little background, I immigrated here when I was very little from Portugal. And so I think I grew up with that American dream mentality. I really got to see that. My parents really lived having not been educated and then really been able to build a successful life here. I think I really firmly believed that if I work hard,

you know, if I really work hard, I can achieve anything I want. And that worked for a very long time for me, you know? I did work really hard and I checked all the boxes. I did all the things that, you know, I felt like I wanted to do or needed to do. But then, you know, I think motherhood was really sort of the beginning of unraveling of all of that in so many ways.

Chelsea Myers (03:42)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, and we're gonna get into it for sure. But I also love that you highlighted that, because one of the themes that I find so often with moms, well, A, I talk to a lot of type A overachieving moms, which is interesting to me. There's a lot, yeah. But then also,

Sandra Fernandes (04:01)
A lot of us, yeah.

Chelsea Myers (04:06)
I do intentionally ask that question about who you were before the journey started, not necessarily who you were before becoming a mom, but even before making the decision to become a mom, because really you're gonna change, you're gonna evolve. And that's just the journey of life, whether you have kids or not. So I appreciate you calling that out. It means I'm asking the right questions.

Sandra Fernandes (04:29)
Yes, I think so. I like that question.

Chelsea Myers (04:32)
So let's kind of get into it. love learning about you. You were a hard worker. You saw the results of your hard work for a very long time. Did you always envision yourself having children?

Sandra Fernandes (04:47)
I did. I think I knew I definitely wanted to have children one but I had a very specific...

as I said, almost like checklist or timeframe, I would say it more so about all of these things need to happen before I can have kids. It was like, well, I need to finish all of my career training, right? And in medicine, that's a very long process, right? So I need to do that. I need to get a job. I need to be at that job for at least a year.

Chelsea Myers (05:04)
Mm-hmm.

Sandra Fernandes (05:18)
because I don't want them to think that I'm just gonna be out in maternity leave right away. No, I'm committed to this job, right? And so I all these stories I told myself. I need to buy a house. I need to be married. need to blah, blah, blah, blah, right? So I had sort of this checklist that I had created. I knew I wanted to become a mom, but it was sort of like, well, I'm gonna get to that, I'm gonna get to that, I'm gonna get to that.

and knowing very well, right, that there's sort of a time, like there's a window where things are, you know, easier or less risky or whatever you wanna call it, but very much feeling like I need to do all of these other things. So that was kind of how I envisioned it.

Chelsea Myers (05:46)
Hahaha

it was part of your checklist. was again, yeah, going back to type A, you had a plan. ⁓ So talk to me about that. So obviously you met your partner, you both, I'm assuming, had that discussion. When did you decide like, okay, now is the time. Now, like I feel like my checklist, I've checked these boxes. This is the next one to check off.

Sandra Fernandes (06:01)
Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, so, you and it's interesting because I think my husband and I, we had been together for quite some time actually before, you know, having kids and it was 100 % my call because I was like, I'm not ready yet. Nope, I gotta do this. gotta, I think he would have been fine much sooner.

⁓ So I think it really was when I felt established in my career, I felt settled in terms of where we were living, you know, I felt like I had my ducks in a row. And I think that I had also felt like, okay, I've traveled, I've done all these different things, like I'm ready to, you know, I hate to say it this way, but I'm gonna be honest about how I was thinking of it. Like I'm ready to not be selfish anymore. You know, I'm ready to,

Chelsea Myers (07:09)
Mm-hmm.

Sandra Fernandes (07:11)
you know, now kind of put my priorities somewhere else. And I think when I got to that point, that's when I felt like, we can have a kid now, you know, we can have a baby, let's do this. But, you know, it wasn't as, that part didn't follow my tech list as easily.

Chelsea Myers (07:23)
Yeah.

No, it didn't.

And we're definitely going to talk about that. Because that was interesting when I was, like I said, I always say I don't like to learn too much about my guests beforehand. I want to get to know you in the moment. But when I was kind of reading what you had sent me, I was like, ⁓ yeah, that did not check the check boxes. So yeah, and we could talk about that. I have a few different angles I want to approach that from, but

I love how you put it, though, because it is a conscious decision. You do have to decide like I'm going to focus my energy and

and myself on providing for someone else. I totally vibe with that. so you decided to start the journey and it didn't go exactly the way you planned. Can you talk to me about that a little bit?

Sandra Fernandes (08:18)
Yeah, so first of all, it was taking a lot longer than we had wanted to. Like I said, I had been at my job for a year and I was like, okay, by the time I get pregnant, it'll be almost two years or whatnot. And it was almost like another year of trying and we eventually did get...

it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy. And so that was in and of itself just, I think, a very torturous and complicated situation because this was our very, very first pregnancy and it was so desired. We had waited for so

And the way it happened for me was not clear cut. So, you know, and this is this, think everybody's birth stories and pregnancy stories are so different. And even within ectopics right. And I, you know, I'm sure we'll get to it, but I ended up having more than one, right. And even with for myself, each experience was wildly different. So for the first one, we didn't really know what was going on for a long time.

Chelsea Myers (09:26)
Yeah.

Sandra Fernandes (09:37)
I had been spotting and bleeding and you know, I saw a doctor and they were not sure what was going on. They were like, this could be a miscarriage, but it could be an ectopic, but it could be a viable pregnancy. We don't know because my dates were very irregular. There was a lot of conflicting things. My labs were going up like a pregnancy should, but not exactly at the rate it should. Like there was, you know, there was a lot of details that made it very confusing. And so it-

that sort of not knowing what is going on, but you're dearly like holding onto hope, but you know, also trying to prepare yourself for the worst was a very prolonged experience. And so it really changed how looked at everything because I, you know, I didn't know how to feel in the moment. And I think that for somebody who was very used to planning everything, right? And to...

Chelsea Myers (10:32)
Mm-hmm.

Sandra Fernandes (10:33)
⁓ having

unexplained infertility And I knew, as a doctor, I knew that miscarriage is a lot more common than we talk about and all of these different things, but ectopics are even more rare. think it's like one or 2 % of people, pregnancies end up in ectopics and I had no risk factors. I was like, but I'm spotting and I know patients who spot and go on to have normal pregnancies. Like maybe this is gonna be just fine, right? So,

that waiting period was the absolute worst. think, I you know, I think at a certain point, I was like, I'm okay, if this is a loss, I just want to know, like, I just, I just want to know, so I can kind of start to process and move on. And there was a lot of back and forth. And then the treatment, you know, when we finally got to the point where we felt confident enough that this is truly

Chelsea Myers (11:12)
Yeah.

Sandra Fernandes (11:28)
an ectopic, was also prolonged because I got a methotrexate injection. And so that takes, you know, about a month or so for your levels to actually go back down, to zero. And so that whole time you're still at risk of rupture and, know, which that idea, right, was terrifying, you know, ⁓ they're constantly like, well, you, you, can't lift heavy things. You can't do any, you know, I had all these

Chelsea Myers (11:47)
Yeah.

Sandra Fernandes (11:52)
trips and vacations and this was in the summer. had all these events planned and they're like, you can't go, you can't do this. You have to be 30 minutes from a hospital. It was a lot. It was a lot and I think it was for somebody who was in the field, who understood sort of the mechanics and the risks and all of that, the emotional component was all over the place and I was very much unprepared for.

Chelsea Myers (12:19)
Yeah, there's so much to what you just described too, that like, that's at a surface level even, it feels all consuming. But especially for someone, especially for someone with your background in medicine and understanding to a degree what was happening with your body. So you're torn between your instinct as mom with a very wanted pregnancy.

Sandra Fernandes (12:29)
Yes.

Chelsea Myers (12:45)
and your instincts as a medical professional being like, okay, well, I know what all of this means actually. So how was the decision, this is purely curiosity and you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but how was the decision made in terms of what your treatment was rather than surgical having them do

You said it was an injection? Yeah.

Sandra Fernandes (13:08)
Yes, so

at that point, because I had never been pregnant before, and I very much wanted to be, they did not want to in any way affect my ability, even if it was just a very tiny percentage risk or whatnot, decreasing my ability to get pregnant in the future. Again, I didn't have any risk factors, so they didn't really know why.

this was happening and if there was actually anything, know, physiologically going on with my tube that needed to be removed. And so they felt like this was the most conservative treatment option to protect my ability to get pregnant again. Since, you know, the good news was I could get pregnant as they would say, they would tell me not that that was a huge, you know, reassurance in the moment, but

Chelsea Myers (13:50)
Yeah, yeah.

Sandra Fernandes (13:56)
So, yeah, so I think it was just the most conservative option. And again, it sounded in theory like this is the easier way to go. I'm just gonna get this injection and it's all gonna be fine. But the mental toll, I think that that treatment option took was, I really had never considered before. I'll be completely honest. I really did not, I was not prepared for that journey.

Chelsea Myers (14:22)
that was that was going to be my next question. what how did that affect your entire interpretation of what this journey was going to look like for you?

Sandra Fernandes (14:31)
Well, it you know what for again, like going back to that wanting to be prepared and having this timeline. I mean, it threw everything off because it wasn't just okay. Now we have to grieve this loss of this, you know, very much wanted pregnancy. But it was also like now we have to wait like we couldn't even start trying again for months after because you know you have

Chelsea Myers (14:54)
Mm-hmm.

Sandra Fernandes (14:58)
like I said, first of all, my first injection didn't work. ended up like after some period I had to get another one. And then, you then you wait for, you know, the month or so for your levels to go back down. And then, and you have to wait a full three months before you can even try to conceive again because of the risks ⁓ with the, the medication. And so it just, again, it was like, all right, I want to move on. I want to move on. I want to try again and I can't. And so the,

It just threw off the timeline once again and it really made me start to learn a very important lesson, which I think in this particular case, if I'm going to look back at any positives to this, I think it was a lesson I needed to learn in terms of learning to let go of control, which I always say like motherhood is a crash course in learning to let go of control.

Chelsea Myers (15:51)
Yes.

Sandra Fernandes (15:52)
But 100%, and for me, that started way before motherhood, just in the trying to become a mother phase, in having to let go control of that too, and to get comfortable with the unexpected.

Chelsea Myers (16:07)
How did that experience, that first experience, affect your relationship with your partner? How were you guys supporting each other during that time?

Sandra Fernandes (16:18)
question. think, know, fortunately, I had an incredibly supportive partner who was really there for me. And I think it actually redefined our relationship in a really strengthening kind of way. I think it brought us a lot closer together. You know, again, I didn't really know except for maybe a few patients here and there. But that's a very different kind of relationship. I didn't really know anyone who had actually experienced an ectopic.

pregnancy and and particularly the way that I did. And so there was really no one you know as much as I could I told friends and I and I did tell family about it and but there was nobody else who could really understand the experience who had lived it and so I think that brought us together in a really powerful way.

I don't think I realized though, until my second ectopic how much of a toll it had on my partner. And I think part of that was because I was so in my own stuff that I don't even think I realized. But it was, you know, I found out later how terrifying it really was for him because in the back of his mind was, I could lose her at any moment. I could lose her at any moment.

Chelsea Myers (17:11)
Mm-hmm.

Sandra Fernandes (17:30)
Right? And that's the messaging in the warning you're getting all the time. And it was like, every ache and pain this. And he's like, are you OK? Like, do I need to take you in? So yeah, so I think that there was a lot there that was hard because, again, there is some benefit in just being able to talk about it, and vent and share with friends. But because of the rarity,

I didn't have any friends or I didn't have any people that I knew who had experienced this, you know, this particular situation. And so that brought us closer together, but that was also really challenging.

Chelsea Myers (18:09)
And that makes perfect sense. I'm curious, this is jumping around a little bit too, just from other experiences that I've had the privilege to have shared with me. Do you think that that experience and your subsequent ectopic, which is absolutely insane, they're so rare to begin with and then to experience more than one, do you think that there's a lingering

Sandra Fernandes (18:31)
I know.

Chelsea Myers (18:36)
effect from that? Do you think there's a lingering fear? Maybe not on your part, but on your partner's part of just that fear of if something tiny is wrong, everything is wrong.

Sandra Fernandes (18:49)
Yeah, and I think, know, we never got to experience the joy per se, you know, of like, you know, we're excited for it. Like we were excited, don't get me wrong, but we were terrified the entire time, you know. And I think a lot of people, you know,

Chelsea Myers (18:56)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Sandra Fernandes (19:06)
probably resonate with that based on their own losses and whatnot. I think once you have an experience like that, it's impossible to ignore the fear that exists, not just for the baby, for myself. So yeah, absolutely. It made my...

I talk a lot about like our fear center and our amygdalas and whatnot, and I'm sure it made it much bigger. it's like, I pick up on all threats now.

Chelsea Myers (19:37)
Hahaha!

Yes! No, that definitely resonates. I do, like, my main focus is you and your story, but it is interesting to me. You're not the first guest who has talked about how I didn't realize how and in what ways this affected my partner. And I think it is, it's important to acknowledge that. And I'll transparent with you. Like, my partner, from my...

birth trauma experience still experiences fear and trauma, even though I'm not having any more children, like anything like that. But so I bring it up only to sort of highlight the point that like these experiences that we go through that are so challenging and change us forever, they also kind of change our partners too.

Sandra Fernandes (20:27)
1000%.

1000%. Yeah, changes them. It changes the dynamic of the relationship, everything.

Chelsea Myers (20:30)
Yeah.

Yeah. So moving forward, I mean, and not brushing over it at all, but going through that experience with the ectopic and especially like having to wait so long and go through so much and kind of be on pins and needles for, for a while. when and how did you come to the decision of

we're gonna try this again despite the risks. We're gonna try this again.

Sandra Fernandes (21:02)
Well, it might sound crazy, but I think I was so determined that I wanted, like I said, I had always wanted to have a child. I was finally ready. I was like, we're trying again, as soon as we can. I also think, again, because they're pretty rare, I don't think it ever crossed my mind that it could happen again.

Chelsea Myers (21:14)
Hahaha!

Sandra Fernandes (21:24)
I think it was like, all right, that was one and done. We were really unlucky. That was terrible. Let's move And I do not think it crossed my mind at all that there was a possibility that it would happen again. whereas I do think that for my partner, he was a little bit more like, we sure we want to go through this? And I was like, it's fine. It was a one-time thing.

Chelsea Myers (21:24)
Mm-hmm.

Hahaha

Sandra Fernandes (21:46)
people have ectopics and they go on to have normal pregnancies. Like, you I think I was like back in doctor mode almost in terms of like trying to reassure and like, here's the data and like, you know, and this is fine. Like, so, so yeah, so there was no waiting period for me, if anything, I think it was frustrating that I had to wait as long as I did to try again. And then again, it.

Chelsea Myers (21:51)
Mm-hmm.

Sandra Fernandes (22:08)
it was not quick, you know, so it took us quite some time again, to the point where at a certain point, they did send us to a fertility specialist. And, you know, the workup, everything was fine. Luckily, as we were about to start, you know, discussions about our options, we got pregnant naturally, and then ended up having another ectopic.

Chelsea Myers (22:30)
Yes, which

Sandra Fernandes (22:36)
Yeah.

Chelsea Myers (22:33)
is mind blowing. ⁓ my gosh. What did that do? such a simple way to ask such a huge question. like, when you obviously you have the joy of finding out that you're pregnant again, you're like, OK, yes, journey begins. We're going to do this again. It's going to be great. And then the moment comes that you find out that it's another ectopic.

what was going through your mind at that point?

Sandra Fernandes (22:56)
Yeah.

So actually let me clarify, because I did just confuse things, because this is mom brain. So I actually had, I jumped ahead. I had a successful pregnancy, okay? I'm like, wait a minute, this is not right. I had a successful pregnancy, and then it was in trying for number two that we did have the ectopic again.

Chelsea Myers (23:03)
Okay.

Okay.

Okay, okay, so we'll backtrack. Because I thought so too. It is an important distinction. And I thought so too. And I was like, I'm gonna follow her lead because I think but I'm not sure. Okay, so you did you got pregnant, you had a healthy pregnancy. But like you were saying before, you weren't able to truly feel at ease. Either of you? No. How was how was the pregnancy? Was it a fairly I hate the word standard.

Sandra Fernandes (23:23)
Yeah, that's an important distinction.

Yes. Yes.

not at all. Not at all. Not once.

Chelsea Myers (23:49)
was a fairly standard pregnancy, but.

Sandra Fernandes (23:52)
I will say we were very fortunate. The actual pregnancy in and of itself was relatively smooth. No major complications or anything like that. I was very, very lucky. But yes, we were on pins and needles for everything.

Chelsea Myers (24:06)
Yeah, I can

imagine. In what ways were you able to sort of navigate that? like, were you able to find some joy?

Sandra Fernandes (24:16)
You know, I think, I think we tried, I think one of the things that changed for us, for example, you know, I had been very like, ⁓ you know, we're not gonna share until after the first trimester, blah, blah, all this stuff. And you know, my husband actually was like, no, like, we got pregnant, we're telling everybody, because if we if if something goes wrong, like,

you know what, we're probably gonna end up telling people anyway. their support is gonna be helpful. It was helpful the first time where we were almost forced to tell people because we had to cancel so many trips and events and whatnot. We kind of had to let people know what was going on. And so he was like, you know, this is our friends and I wanna be able to celebrate it while I can. And I think that was his mentality. And I loved that because he was right. It was like, maybe this isn't gonna turn out the way.

Chelsea Myers (24:44)
Mm-hmm.

Sandra Fernandes (25:05)
we want it to, we've learned that lesson, but we want to be able to celebrate it while we can. And I think that mindset reframe was actually really powerful and helped us be able to find some joy. Even though like, you know, behind the scenes, we were freaking out at everything. I definitely, you know, and I do not recommend this by any means. But you know, because I

Chelsea Myers (25:22)
You

Sandra Fernandes (25:32)
I would see pregnant patients and I would do the dot, like I bought my own Doppler and I was like, I'm checking. I'm like, I'm gonna do everything I can to like check and make sure it's okay. that kind of almost paranoia in a way, it definitely stays with you. And as somebody who tries to control everything, I was like, I gotta be prepared. I gotta be on top of this. I need to feel like there's something I can do.

Chelsea Myers (25:37)
I knew you were gonna say that, yep.

Sandra Fernandes (26:01)
So.

Chelsea Myers (26:01)
Yeah.

Yeah. ⁓ I knew as soon as you said like, I don't recommend anybody do this. I was like, she bought a Doppler. It's, I understand why they make them. And I think that it's great. And I think it's a cool way that you can kind of like bond in the pregnancy period. But it also feeds anxiety so much.

Sandra Fernandes (26:22)
yes.

Chelsea Myers (26:24)
Like every night, every night you gotta put the Doppler on and like every, ugh, yes,

Sandra Fernandes (26:29)
Like I said, don't do it, but don't follow my lead. Do not follow

my lead.

Chelsea Myers (26:36)
I'm really ⁓ glad to hear though that your husband's encouragement felt good for you and felt empowering for you because we talk so much about the cliche of the village, of building a village. And I think that needs to before, maybe even like when you're just planning to get pregnant, ⁓ to have that village surrounding you through whatever your journey looks like.

Sandra Fernandes (26:57)
Yes.

Chelsea Myers (27:02)
in this on this path to becoming a parent really makes a huge difference. And it sounds like it contributed to helping you find joy amidst a great deal of anxiety.

Sandra Fernandes (27:16)
Well, yeah, I think, you know, I love that you're saying that building the village beforehand because

Once you start sharing your story, it's amazing. mean, this is like, you know, know firsthand, but it's amazing how many people, you know, come out of the woodworks and they're like, well, this happened to me and this was my experience. And you're like, my gosh, you know, this is more common. You know, your specific situation might be different, but the idea of loss, the idea of complications, you know, all these different experiences are.

actually, everyone's got their version, or a lot of people do. so yes, think, you know.

Talk has like what you have, you know, I think there's definitely more of a discussion and there's more of this openness going on. But there is still very much you know, this reality of like, we'll keep things hush hush, you know, just your close circle until after the first trimester, make sure everything's okay. Although you know, we can all attest that that's not necessarily that doesn't necessarily mean you're in the green, you know, right? So so it's like, why are we making these arbitrary?

cutoffs in terms of opening up that support because you don't know who is going to be the person who's going to be able to support you the most. And I think a lot of times we close ourselves off to just our immediate friends and family, but we don't know that it's the neighbor or the friend of a friend or somebody who experienced the same thing that you did who actually is going to be.

the person that helps you walk through this, you know, in a way that nobody else can because they've lived it. So absolutely, think that was, you know, and I was always very open about wanting to talk about things, but, you know, even for me, I think it was almost like I closed off, actually. I had almost the opposite. It was like, well, now I felt more closed off and my husband was the one who was kind of like, no, like.

Chelsea Myers (29:04)
Mm-hmm.

Sandra Fernandes (29:11)
why like, you know, let's celebrate and they can support us if it goes great and they can support us if it doesn't go great. And you know, there's, there's, there's almost like no, there's, there's no badness to that, right? And if they're not the right people to support you, then they're just not. And they don't, you know, come forward in that way. But it's, it's okay, you know, either way.

Chelsea Myers (29:24)
Yeah!

Yeah, I love the distinguish, I love, my gosh, words. I love that you talked about too, like you never know who it's gonna be that's really gonna come through for you. Because even though I think we've come very far as mothers and as parents in terms of it being okay to talk about the hard, I think it is still very stigmatized. And I think that's part of our culture of like, shove your feelings down.

Sandra Fernandes (29:39)
you

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (30:00)
put your feelings

down and move on. all it takes is one person to just say like, this happened, or I'm not okay. And that allows these other people to be like, my God, me too. my God, me too. And then a lot of the time, those are the people that you carry with you because you understand each other.

Sandra Fernandes (30:17)
Yes. ⁓

Chelsea Myers (30:26)
Again, I'm referring to the village. We're fed the ideal that the village comes with parenting. You become a parent and this village appears, but no, you really truly do have to build it. Yeah.

Sandra Fernandes (30:37)
yeah, that village

is, if anything, non-existent, I think, in our current culture and society. ⁓

Chelsea Myers (30:43)
Yes, 100%.

It's like, I'm sorry, what? I was told there'd be a village. So yeah, so You had a successful pregnancy. Baby was born.

What was the birth experience like for you? And how was your anxiety during that time?

Sandra Fernandes (31:05)
So I think, again, so, you know, I always get conflicted in this because I do think knowledge is power. And I think because just of my background, you know, again, in family practice, part of my training was, you know, in delivering babies. So I had seen it before, you know, variations of it. I think I was not, I was not scared of the birth itself because I had that knowledge.

Chelsea Myers (31:13)
Mm-hmm.

Sandra Fernandes (31:34)
which I think was...

key because, you know, it was like one less thing off my plate in terms of like stress and, and emotional fears and all of those things, right. But that being said, I, I also

Chelsea Myers (31:40)
Yeah!

Sandra Fernandes (31:49)
I still wasn't good at expecting the unexpected. And I think that I was still very much like, I know that things can go a million different ways. I know that things are gonna go wrong. I was personally not the kind of person who had a birth plan, right? Shocking, right? Because I think I had seen enough to know that like,

Chelsea Myers (32:06)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sandra Fernandes (32:13)
A lot of times things do not go according to plan. And so I didn't want to set that expectation for myself. And yet I still found myself being things. So I actually had a pretty seamless birth experience besides the fact that my epidural

sucked. And I only experienced it. I only experienced I only like received the epidural in half my body. ⁓ Both my pregnancies, I don't know what's going on with me. Yes, it's it's a wild thing. And so like one half was cool, great, wasn't feeling anything. And the other half, I felt everything. And it was excruciating. But what was most excruciating was actually ⁓ the repair process, which is also something I don't think we talked about enough with women. ⁓

Chelsea Myers (32:33)
Hahaha! Ugh!

to me! ⁓

Mm-mm.

Sandra Fernandes (33:02)
And because my epidural wasn't very or fully effective, the repair was very painful for me. And I was so disappointed

Chelsea Myers (33:12)
It's okay.

Sandra Fernandes (33:12)
That's

when they put the baby on your chest. And so I was, you know, like I had been waiting for this moment. We had gone through so much. Like I was like, I can't wait to hold my baby. And all I could feel was pain. I was in so much pain and discomfort during that whole time. So the point where like at one point I was like, can you please take her off of me? You know? And...

Chelsea Myers (33:27)
You

Mmm.

Sandra Fernandes (33:36)
I think, again, it comes back to that, you know, these expectations, these stories that were told, you know, ⁓ the scenes we see in the movies, whatnot about this is what it's supposed to be like, you've been waiting for this, and then you don't get to have that experience. And you feel like you missed out, right? Like I felt like I missed out on this beautiful moment that was supposed to happen that I didn't get to experience.

Chelsea Myers (33:55)
Yeah.

Sandra Fernandes (34:03)
you know, after everything, like, I want this moment. And so, you know, but again, you know, I can't I don't have any major like, you know, issues, I think I got like a fever, whatever, you know, there were other stuff that happened, but like nothing super crazy. The thing that stood out to me the most was having missed out on that moment, interestingly enough. ⁓

Chelsea Myers (34:04)
Yeah!

Yeah.

Well, and it's not uncommon. It may seem like the most interesting or like, ⁓ I shouldn't be bothered by that. But that is something that is reported so often, so often of like we're, again, just like we're being sold the idea of the village, we're sold the idea of the golden hour. You have to have that golden hour. You have to have that skin to skin.

And more often than not, it's not happening. It's not happening. we do feel robbed of that. It's an experience that, especially after going through an ectopic pregnancy and a loss and going through a pregnancy that was very full of fear and anxiety, yes, of course you would feel robbed of enjoying those first few moments with your daughter. Beyond that, once you were

sort of settled and again, I don't know if you're ever settled after a baby enters the world, but no, there is no settling ever again. It's How did your village show up for you in those moments?

Sandra Fernandes (35:32)
think I had a wonderful group of friends who was there. think once I had the baby, this is something I didn't really talk about, I actually didn't really share about the ectopic at work. I had a lot of fears about them knowing that I was trying to get pregnant and what that could mean and all of this stuff. so being able to share that with my work community and whatnot.

It was, I think I had wonderful people around me, which helped. But you know,

Sometimes I feel like our worst enemies are ourselves in terms of, in terms of, you know, what, again, and I keep going back to the expectations. And at least for me, it's placing expectations on myself that I, you know, couldn't, couldn't change, I think.

Chelsea Myers (36:07)
You

Mm-hmm.

Sandra Fernandes (36:27)
and feeling very sort of stuck in like, is the plan and this is what I want to do. You know, so for example, for me, breastfeeding is a big deal. And I know it's a huge challenge for a lot of women. And I had counseled so many people and like, that is best, know, whatever maintains your sanity, like that's what you do. And I knew all of that. And I don't know why I was stuck on I have to breastfeed and I had a miserable experience. It took my entire maternity leave.

Chelsea Myers (36:36)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Sandra Fernandes (36:56)
⁓ I consumed my entire maternity leave trying to get the breastfeeding down. It was painful. I had mastitis multiple times, you know, all of these different things. And it really, really, like, I can't say, you know, I think I was pretty fortunate. I wasn't depressed. I probably had some anxiety going on, you know.

Chelsea Myers (36:57)
Mm.

Sandra Fernandes (37:16)
But it was more like that was the one thing I was like focused on. like, I need to figure out this breastfeeding. Like I have to figure this out before I go back to work. my support system was great. They were like, just do what you need to do. It's fine, give them formula. It's it's okay. And I knew that. I told patients that all the time. ⁓ And yet,

Chelsea Myers (37:35)
Yeah.

Sandra Fernandes (37:39)
we set up these expectations. I think we give meaning sometimes, right? Like there was a meaning behind that. There was a, well, I'm like, maybe I'm a failure if I can't do this, right? Or, you know, maybe I'm not a good enough mom if I can't do this. I had clearly associated some much larger meanings to this very simple act that I knew was very challenging, you know, that like,

Chelsea Myers (37:52)
Mm, mm-hmm.

Yeah!

Sandra Fernandes (38:07)
I knew was not a big deal if I didn't do it. My baby would get fed in so many other ways. So I do think that sometimes the community is really important in getting us through that. But I also think that a lot of times it's sort of our own internal work that if we've never done before, huge transitions like becoming a mom will...

put it in front of your face and force you to deal with in a way that you may never have had to do.

Chelsea Myers (38:36)
And that again, that resonates so deeply. think so many cliches and I always say I hate cliches, but I use them all the time. But like the easier said than done thing, right? Like it, I think all of us have a degree of that. And, I don't know if this was your experience maybe later on down the road, but someone asked me once, like, would you say that to your best friend?

Sandra Fernandes (38:43)
Same.

Chelsea Myers (39:01)
And I was like, no. Why would you say that to yourself? Or why would you think that about yourself? It is challenging, though. It's not as easy as switching it off and being like, oh, yeah, no, I wouldn't do that. So I should treat myself nicer. We have all of these, yeah, all of these preconceived expectations.

so the expectations thing, that is a very common thing. And I think it's ingrained in us as mothers.

again, I feel like I'm glossing over a whole section here, but you have, it was your daughter, you said you had a daughter first? Yes. So you have your daughter, you're settling in, you're dealing with the breastfeeding challenges, but again, like you're settling into this motherhood thing. You've got a, you've got a support system and a partner that are very, very encouraging and empowering. And then at what point do you decide, okay, time for number two.

Sandra Fernandes (39:55)
you know, I, it's interesting because old habits die hard. So I, I was very much like, okay, well, my clock is ticking. Like, I kind of, you know, I knew sort of medically, like at this age, you know, there's more risk, blah, blah, blah. So I think after, you know, my child and I knew like, you know,

Biologically, it's like safer to wait a full year or whatever it was. So I think about a year mark was when we were like, okay, let's start trying again. And again, throw that out the window. None of that matters. ⁓

Chelsea Myers (40:28)
Yeah! The universe

was like, you, that checklist of yours, if you haven't figured it out by now, we're not following that.

Sandra Fernandes (40:37)
Right. It's like clearly you didn't learn your lesson the first time, so we're gonna

hammer it in.

Chelsea Myers (40:44)
Oh my god, and we laugh because what else can you do? What else can you do? So yeah, so you decided to try again and again, that was when you experience another ectopic.

Sandra Fernandes (40:47)
So true.

Yes, so I had a chemical pregnancy, which is like a very early loss. I was like, okay, know, kept trying. And then I had the next ectopic which, you know, really, and again, I was very fortunate. I'm not, you know, there are tough stories where people, the way they find out is they rupture and it's a very traumatic experience. I was very fortunate in that that was not my situation.

Chelsea Myers (41:18)
Yeah.

Sandra Fernandes (41:23)
But the second time it happened, was basically like because I had had the history, whenever I got pregnant, I got seen very quickly after. It wasn't like a wait till you're however many weeks to get an appointment. It was like, okay, come on in. ⁓ And so pretty quickly we started to notice that something wasn't right, even though I wasn't having any concerning symptoms the way I had the first time where I had been spotting and bleeding and what

So I'm still holding on to hope. I'm like, everything feels good guys. And they were like, but I had a better sense of my dates at this point. And they were like, this isn't checking out. And I finally, they sent me to the emergency room because they were like, we really should be seeing something we're not. at that sono they did, which was a lot clearer. They were pretty.

Chelsea Myers (41:51)
Hahaha!

Sandra Fernandes (42:11)
pretty sure that there was an ectopic that they could see on the ultrasound. And so again, they came back to me and they're like, all right, so let's, know, we could do the methotrexate injection, blah, blah. And I just remember being like, my God, I can't believe I have to go through this all over again. think that is worse than like, I was just, can't, I can't do that. And thank goodness, the ⁓ OB,

Chelsea Myers (42:30)
Yeah.

Sandra Fernandes (42:35)
leader came in and she's like, you know what, based on your history, like if you want to just do the surgery, let's just do the surgery. And I was like, give me the surgery, like let's do it. And my husband who is non-medical and was like, you know, I think he was having flashbacks of like that, my God, you're gonna go to surgery? Like, what if I lose you? what, like, no. And, but he was, you know, he was very good about like, this is your body, it's your choice. Like, I don't even know what to say at this point. And I was like,

Chelsea Myers (42:43)
Yes, yes!

Sandra Fernandes (43:00)
take me for surgery. And so within hours, they took me in. so, you know, I had gone to the doctor that day, like hoping like, yeah, we're pregnant again, and left that night post surgery, not pregnant anymore. So, but, you know, I think having had the first up my acceptance to the, hey, this is how it went. And my gratitude that

Chelsea Myers (43:09)
Yeah.

Sandra Fernandes (43:28)
this option for me and that particular point was a much better one and felt so much easier than what I had experienced the first time. So, you know, I think if that had been my first experience, I probably would have had a very different feeling about it.

Chelsea Myers (43:35)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Right, but you felt empowered this time. Yeah, you had a little more autonomy in terms of what happened afterwards. Obviously there's grief involved. Obviously there's disappointment again and expectations that aren't being met, And you were given the choice of how you wanted to proceed, makes a

Sandra Fernandes (43:47)
Yes, yes.

Chelsea Myers (44:08)
I don't know. It's powerful. It's powerful.

I don't know why I feel today like I'm fast forwarding so much, but your story is so packed that I like, I don't want to miss anything. How old was your daughter at this point?

Sandra Fernandes (44:23)
So she was probably a little over one, maybe one and a half or so. No. And I have to say that was a relief because it was a lot.

Chelsea Myers (44:28)
Okay, so she wasn't really, she wasn't aware of what was going on.

Yeah, yeah. It's well, and it's a lot to go through. It's a lot to go through a pregnancy when you have baby slash toddlers like any of that. That's really hard. But to also experience grief during that time. it's really difficult when your kiddos are aware of what's going on. That adds a whole other layer. Yeah.

Sandra Fernandes (44:45)
Mm-hmm.

yeah, that's a whole nother layer for sure. Yeah,

fortunately I did not have to, we were able to get away with not having to really address it so much, know, besides the mommy's, mommy's recovering and you know, she can't be picking you up right now or you know, things like that, but.

Chelsea Myers (45:05)
Yeah!

And I'll have a question about that after, but I think before that. In terms of, again, going back to your checklist and your timeline, I'm assuming you were pretty eager to try again. I'm noticing a pattern here, pattern recognition. So.

How soon after, like, was it like as soon as you got the all clear from surgical? Did you start trying again? Yeah. Yeah.

Sandra Fernandes (45:31)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And, you know, and honestly, that was a big part of my decision because I was like, I don't want to wait months and months and months and months knowing that for us, it does not happen quickly, you know. So so yeah, so we did start trying as soon as we could.

Chelsea Myers (45:44)
Yeah.

because I don't think I have this in my notes, but did the next time result in a successful pregnancy?

Sandra Fernandes (45:58)
Yes, it took a while, but then we had my son and, you know, so it's amazing. You don't, you truly do not need two tubes to have a but yes. So, so then that went well.

Chelsea Myers (46:00)
Okay.

Yeah. Yeah.

What did you have some of the same feelings going into that pregnancy that you did with? Yeah. I have so listeners, listeners, the face said it all. Yes, obviously. And you add like we're I don't even think we're going to get into the full the full breakdown of it today because we need we'd need hours. But like the whole idea of burnout.

Sandra Fernandes (46:17)
thousand percent. I mean you can't not.

Chelsea Myers (46:36)
So like, so your experience, you just went through another ectopic pregnancy and loss, you have a toddler, like a tiny toddler, and you're pregnant again, and you have all the same anxieties that you did in your first pregnancy, and you still feel like you have to do it all. You still feel like you have to show up.

Sandra Fernandes (46:56)
Well, let me add on top of that, we were in COVID during that time. So as a medical provider, it was insane. And I had been working in a really hard hit area with, know, where we didn't have appropriate PPE and all of this stuff. So there was a lot of just like burnout from my work. And then I found out actually that I lost my job.

Chelsea Myers (46:59)
Yeah.

Hmm.

Sandra Fernandes (47:21)
a week before I found out about my second pregnancy.

Chelsea Myers (47:24)
my god.

Sandra Fernandes (47:26)
So because you know, a lot of medical offices like there was a lot going on with COVID and they were really, you know, struggling to, there was a lot, right? So it was a lot more commonplace. There were a lot of layoffs happening, whatnot. And so there...

Chelsea Myers (47:36)
Yeah. ⁓

Sandra Fernandes (47:43)
Yes, you want to talk about like, you know, emotional stress, the unexpected being out of control. I mean, it was it was everything kind of all at once. So there was a lot of fear around the pregnancy, but a lot of you know, I, we were talking about cliches before and how I hate cliches. And I hate this one, because I know it can be really hurtful for people sometimes. But for me, in this particular instance, it, it helped me in the whole everything happens for a reason, because

I was like, you know what, I would have had so much more anxiety had I been working in the office pregnant during COVID, feeling like I didn't have the adequate PPE and all of that, where at this point I was able to just focus on the pregnancy, obviously trying to find another job and all of that. And I ended up, you know, eventually finding a job where I was remote and worked from home. I mean, it was just like all of these pieces.

that helped to really address some of the burnout that I had been experiencing, right? So it was very interesting how the world worked in that moment, that even though it felt like everything came crashing down, looking back in retrospect, I'm able to see sort of how I was able to take that and actually make it something that worked.

Chelsea Myers (48:50)
Yeah!

Sandra Fernandes (49:04)
beautifully for my family, you know, and that I can actually be grateful for in some ways. Because I think the other thing with burnout is that you often don't realize when you're in it and you're just feeling sort of this constant stress and this overwhelm. And you might pinpoint it on one thing, right? Like I was really pinpointing it on my job.

But really, you know, it was sort of the mix of everything. was the, were trying to get pregnant again and it wasn't working. I had the ectopic and then, you know, I was trying to take care of this toddler who, you know, and not really able to give her the attention that she needed and feeling guilty about. It's like so many things, right, that all contribute to this overall sense of burnout. And I don't think I was even really recognizing it in the moment. And so,

Chelsea Myers (49:35)
You

Hmm

Sandra Fernandes (49:53)
It almost happened for me, I like to think of now. was a world one.

Chelsea Myers (50:00)
It was a whirlwind and yeah, so even with not knowing a whole heck of a lot about you, like when I was trying to break this down into an episode, A, I never try to structure things because I like, I want things to happen organically, but I'm like, holy moly, how many times did the universe have to deal her a hand of cards? And like, how are we going to even scratch the surface? Like,

my gosh. And I appreciate you acknowledging that the everything happens for a reason thing is challenging. It's challenging for me. It's challenging for a lot of people. But I do 100 % see where you're coming from. And I've had similar situations where it kind of feels like, again, I say the universe, some people say God, some people say whatever, but it's like it is forcing you to slow down.

take a step back and reevaluate. Again, like we've been talking about those expectations or those check boxes or whatever. So yeah, what was a perfect storm sounds like set you up to where you are now. Yeah.

Sandra Fernandes (51:02)
Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Yes, very much,

very, very much. I think, you know, and like I said, I think we each have to find sort of the cliches or the, you know, mantras or whatever that work for us in the season that we're in. Like, I want to be very clear about that because I do acknowledge that it doesn't work for everyone and it can be triggering for some people. But for me, that was really helpful in that moment.

Chelsea Myers (51:34)
Yeah.

Sandra Fernandes (51:43)
as I was going through it and it did set me up. I agree with you. I think the universe, you know, morally wanted to teach me a lesson and was like, you're not, you're not learning it. You're not learning it. So until I had to. Yes. So, so I'm happy to say I think I am, I can't say I've learned it 100%, you know.

Chelsea Myers (51:57)
Let's throw a global pandemic in

Sandra Fernandes (52:07)
but I have made significant progress. And yeah, that has really informed a lot of the work that I do now. One of the interesting things with practicing medicine and being a primary care provider was that I always saw women who were coming in, or people, patients, everyone, ⁓ but particularly mothers who were coming in.

and they had a lot of physical symptoms, right? Like they are coming in because their hair's falling and thinning or they're not sleeping well or they're having a lot of heartburn or indigestion or all these different things. And you do all the workup and everything's normal, right? And you tell them that and then, and then, you know, and being on the opposite end, like I understand, you know, and then you'll be like, well, are you really stressed? And they're like, they're clearly not very stressed. And they're like, well, maybe it's like the stress. And it's like, well, what the?

Chelsea Myers (52:43)
Mm-hmm.

Sandra Fernandes (52:56)
F, do you do with that? And it's very frustrating for the patient. And it was really frustrating for me because I felt like I didn't have the tools to help these women or these mothers or parents who were going through these things. And I could tell your physical symptoms are very much related to your stress, that they were also many times feeling

if not burnt out like, you know, on the trajectory. And I didn't know how to help them. And then when I went through my own journey, and I realized like, my support was not coming necessarily from the medical professionals that I saw because I didn't, you know, fortunately, I didn't meet the criteria, let's say for

postpartum, know, anxiety or depression or whatnot. You know, I would go and I would do the screeners, but I wasn't meeting the criteria. And so there was a sense of, okay, well, then you're fine. You know, this is just normal postpartum. Like, this is the season of life you're in, right? And I would hear that all the time from like, you know, even well-meaning friends who were years ahead of me they're like, well, it's just the season, right? And yes, it is the season, right? And there's a lot of challenges.

Chelsea Myers (53:56)
UGH

⁓

Sandra Fernandes (54:13)
in that season. However, I just was not okay with saying, that's just how it is, suck it up. Like, you gotta get through it, right? And for me, I felt like we're starting, starting, we need a lot more resources and support to help with, know, PMADS and other diagnosable conditions. But there is this subset,

Chelsea Myers (54:30)
You

Sandra Fernandes (54:39)
which is where I felt like I was, and honestly, a lot of my patients were too, where they're not diagnosed, know, clinically with a particular, you know, anything, but they're struggling. And they are silently struggling. And they feel like they're the only one. And they feel like everybody else has it together and I don't. how can I, you know, I want to be able to do it all. And what does that say? Because I can't blah, blah. Like we all, we know.

Chelsea Myers (54:52)
Mm-hmm.

Sandra Fernandes (55:07)
the story. And so for me, I had to do a lot of internal work because as we can tell, I had a lot of things to work through and to learn. And so when I realized that like, there are, there are tools, there are strategies, there are mindset changes, there's

Chelsea Myers (55:07)
Yeah!

Sandra Fernandes (55:27)
you know, a lot I can learn about nervous system regulation. Like I never even heard the word nervous system regulation. I mean, I went to medical school. Like that wasn't something I learned. There were all these, it was like a whole nother world opened up to me. And I just felt like I had to share this with other women. And so that really propelled what I do now in terms of the coaching that I do.

Chelsea Myers (55:36)
Yeah.

Sandra Fernandes (55:50)
And it's really informed on a lot that I learned and a need that I saw that just really wasn't being addressed because I think that a lot of times these stressors and overwhelms that women feel are just, they're normalized. And so they're dismissed. And I don't think that's okay. I think there is a lot that we can do. We can't control the lack of support and resources that exist for parents nowadays.

we can certainly advocate and fight the fight. But we, you know, we can't make it to show up, you know, ⁓ at a thin air all of a sudden. So it's like, what can you do now? What do you have control of that can make your life a little bit easier, a little bit less stressful, a little bit more manageable? Because there is a lot that we can do. And I think we have learned a lot of stories that we've told ourselves based on

Chelsea Myers (56:19)
Yes. Yeah.

Sandra Fernandes (56:45)
know, society and culture and the different beliefs, family beliefs, all of these sorts of things that keep us stuck in that place of stress and overwhelm. ⁓ It doesn't need to.

Chelsea Myers (56:54)
Yeah, my God, so many things, so many things you wrapped up in that what, like minute and 30 seconds, like that are huge, that are so huge. There is a systemic issue in terms of support for parents, especially mothers. And of course that like burnout culture, we're learning more about burnout culture and how the way that we are living our lives in this country is not sustainable.

Sandra Fernandes (57:20)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (57:21)
bounce back culture and like all of these things that just kind of set us up to fail and also set us up just like you were talking about earlier to feel like a failure. not, you may not, in all likelihood, you are not failing. You're not failing. No, but you feel like a failure because of the standards that are put on you. All of those things were like.

Sandra Fernandes (57:37)
⁓ absolutely not.

Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (57:46)
shouting in my head as you were explaining that and also just that I had another guest ages ago as of recording this, I don't know when that episode will be out but she described, she said, I didn't have postpartum depression. I didn't have mental health disorder, but I was not happy. I did not like it.

I did like becoming a mother. She's like, I didn't like it. It was not what I expected. I didn't know what I was feeling. I didn't have postpartum depression. And that is her story. that's, but like what you were saying really, I think is a great example of that. Also, I hate the Edinburgh scale that they give all pregnant people. I hate that. Let's just put that in there. But

Sandra Fernandes (58:31)
Hahaha

Chelsea Myers (58:36)
I think you're absolutely right that the overwhelm, the lack of information, the feeling isolated and the people not sharing their stories all combined create this entire generation of moms and parents that feel like failures and feel completely lost. and just like you said, we don't have the exact same story, but

It's people like you and people like guests here and people on social media opening the door and saying, hey, I'm not okay. It's okay if you're not okay, too. You can sit with me. Like we we can sit in the not okay. And in a little while, it'll be okay. and there are tools that can help us get to that point. But it really is is just cracking open that door a little bit. To let the light in so other people

can see again. You know what I mean?

Sandra Fernandes (59:28)
Yeah,

I think just to normalize it really to say that hey, can be normal that you're feeling this way because of all these things that are not your fault you don't have to keep feeling this way. there are things that can be done, right? You don't have to feel like

Chelsea Myers (59:32)
Yeah!

Yes!

Sandra Fernandes (59:50)
well, this is just it, right? And have no hope. I wanna be able to give people hope, right? And I think that that's a big part of what carries us through, especially nowadays where we are inundated. I mean, you mentioned all these external factors and the one that I just wanna add quickly is like social media while a blessing, right? That's how we found each other. But in another way, it's like this other domain of just...

Chelsea Myers (59:51)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yep.

Sandra Fernandes (1:00:15)
overwhelm right that comes in about like, well, these are all the things I should be doing all the time. And this is all that you know, and, and am I am I researching like, the clothes that my baby should be wearing and what formula they're having and am I doing this right and their sleep schedule and and that that in and of itself, right, we can get inundated in in all of that, which is feeds the anxiety and the stress and all of the things so it's, you know, I think a lot of times it's

Chelsea Myers (1:00:39)
Yes!

Sandra Fernandes (1:00:44)
It's learning how to simplify and how to really get in touch with what we know and what we want, which I don't think we give ourselves enough permission. We keep thinking like, oh, we're doing it wrong. Everybody else has the answers. And it's like, no, like you're a great mom. Let's just put this out there. you're listening to this podcast, right, it's because whether or not you've had a child yet, you care enough to like,

Chelsea Myers (1:01:03)
Like, period.

Sandra Fernandes (1:01:13)
to inform yourself, to just be aware, right? Like, you're great. Let's just put that out there. And I think that we need to have a lot more trust and faith in ourselves and our own abilities and to be more in tune with that, which we don't do enough of. sometimes that's the process is really learning how to trust yourself and be in tune with yourself and simplify the noise and all of that.

Chelsea Myers (1:01:18)
Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, I love that. I say that all the time. But a very, very succinct way to kind of sum up a very big idea. Give yourself some grace. Before I get to my wrap up question, which I...

I love, I'm trying to add a few more, but I usually have two and I wait until the end until I get to know you better and I choose the question and I think I have yours. But before I get to that, because I want my listeners to be able to learn more about you and learn more about what you're doing to help other mothers feel seen, where can they find you? And they will all be listed in your show notes. So listeners, please check the show notes. But if you don't,

Sandra Fernandes (1:02:23)
I'm

Chelsea Myers (1:02:24)
Sandra, if you could tell us where we can find you.

Sandra Fernandes (1:02:27)
Sure, so I am on Instagram, TikTok threads, and my handle is Sandra Fernandes MD. Fernandes ends with an S, not with a Z. Just to clarify, so Sandra Fernandes with an S, MD. ⁓ And then my website is sandrafernandes.com.

Chelsea Myers (1:02:39)
Yes!

perfect. So again, check the show notes because there's good stuff in there. But if you don't, now you know where to find Sandra and you definitely should check out her stuff so that you can learn more about her and learn more about what she's doing because you're doing amazing things. So yeah, so I think to bring us home, you just gave a beautiful sort of message to people listening in terms of how they can give themselves grace and how they can maybe

lower the standards a little bit or lower the expectations a little bit. let's think about you long before the journey to parenthood, like before even trying. If you could instill something within yourself, you can't tell yourself what's going to happen. I know the control part of you wants to be like, well plan for this.

Sandra Fernandes (1:03:27)
Mm-hmm.

Chelsea Myers (1:03:40)
You can't tell yourself anything that's going to happen, but you can instill. It can be a word. It can be a phrase. It can be a feeling to carry you to where you are now. What would you instill within yourself?

Sandra Fernandes (1:03:53)
I think I would tell myself to start feeling comfortable with the uncomfortable.

Chelsea Myers (1:04:01)
Mmm.

Sandra Fernandes (1:04:03)
I think that that felt like a very unsafe place for me. think, you know, that's hence the control and the perfectionism and everything. I think learning and allowing myself to kind of practice that, you know, to, know, and that's a lot of, you know, for example, in nervous system regulation and whatnot, like you do a lot of sort of that, that titrating and that practicing of

of being in these quote unquote, like, I want to say unsafe situations, but like allowing yourself to, to experience failure, to experience discomfort, to experience, you know, things going wrong. I think had I, I wish that I had been more open to that and known that

that's okay, right? And that the more I practice that, the better able I will be able to handle life. Because it was going to force me to practice that in ways I wasn't ready for, you know, and I didn't feel safe handling.

Chelsea Myers (1:04:57)
You

Yeah!

Sandra Fernandes (1:05:08)
And so I think, you know, for a lot of us where we want to, we want to have control and we want to plan and we want to learn everything and we want to do all the things and we have the checklist and we want to succeed, Being learning to be a little bit more comfortable with the uncomfortable is, is going to help us in every single facet of our life and

probably will make things not just a little bit easier, but a little bit easier to have compassion for yourself. So I think it kind of ties in with having that self-compassion, right? We were talking about, but sometimes it's hard to say, like, well, how do I have self-compassion? And I think those are the moments that we really learn it.

Chelsea Myers (1:05:41)
Yeah, yeah!

Yeah, I think that that's absolutely beautiful. And it's a journey. It's a journey I'm still on, sitting and being able to sit in the uncomfortable. Yeah, that's amazing. Very on brand. Well, like I said, I so appreciate you not only being flexible with me, but choosing to share your story with me as much of it as we could fit into this time frame.

Sandra Fernandes (1:06:03)
You

You

Chelsea Myers (1:06:18)
You're always welcome yeah, I just, thank you for what you have shared with us. I thank you for what you are doing to help others feel empowered in their journeys. And yeah, thank you for being here with me today.

Sandra Fernandes (1:06:34)
Thank you. Thank you. was such a joy to be able to talk and feel seen and heard. And I love that you're doing that for so many people as well.